


Perfect paradise, tearing at the seems

by FleetLicks



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Chan’s a sweetheart, Eating Disorders, Felix feels too much, Holdup lemme torture Hyunjin too k thnx, I am so sorry, M/M, Non-Consensual Touching, Protective Minho, Rape, They all need hugs, and jisung’s The epitome of the sun, basically me torturing Felix because he’s my bias, changbin redeems himself I swear, hyunjin is too, i’m sorry felix, maknae just wants everyone to be loved, no edits we die like men, so much crying, soft Seungmin because yes, soulmate marks? I swear I’m original, woojin the carebear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-04
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2020-01-04 21:00:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 27
Words: 53,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18351629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FleetLicks/pseuds/FleetLicks
Summary: Count to ten and smile widely.Bright. Warm. Loud. Felix.Too bright. Too warm. Too loud. Felix.Too weird. Too awkward. Too Felix.Count to ten and hope to die.





	1. In my blood

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. It’s torture your bias hours and I’m here for it. It will gradually become more angst. Bare with me for I’m a humble peasant who survives on fucked up English because it’s my third language. I’ll try to correct my mistakes.
> 
> Felix, sweety, forgive me but you will suffer :(
> 
> Also Binnie, sweety, I’ll make you redeem yourself later.

    Blue blue blue yellow blue. Green. Fingers almost curled around his wrist, too short to actually wrap around them, nails digging into the skin, leaving crescent moon shapes behind. Felix stared at the bare ground of the bathroom, the voices outside of the room ringing in his ears as he wriggled his big toes against the cold tiles.

 

    Blue blue blue yellow blue. Green. His eyes travelled from his toes up his feet to his ankles, the colors swirling on his flesh as his nails dug marks into his skin.

 

    “Oi Felix, hurry up, some of us need to use the bathroom too and we have to leave in fifteen minutes.” The boy flinched out of his thoughts as the ringing in his ears intensified and the pounding of his head made him hiss. He hasn’t even noticed that he had a headache before Chan’s too loud voice broke through the locked doors. With trembling fingers he quickly put on his fuzzy socks and patted his hair down, knowing that he already wasted too much time and couldn’t take a shower before leaving.

 

    “What did you even do in there for twenty minutes if you didn’t shower? Please tell me you didn’t rub one out?” Chan’s furrowed eyebrows made Felix raise his as he tried to dodge the older Australian and duck out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

 

    “What if I did?” He could hear Jisung’s loud shrieks knowing that he had heard what Felix had said, also knowing that Woojin was already asking the rapper what he had said that was so surprising.

 

    “Come on mate, if you want to jack off at least do it after everyone else used the bathroom.” Felix poked the elder’s shoulder to get his attention and peered at him with wide eyes, knowing that he was weak for his puppy look.

 

    “Did you forget the legendary couch incident of January?” The leader let out a loud yelp and swung the doors of the bathroom shut after himself as Felix giggled loudly at the embarrassed look on the other’s face before he disappeared.

 

    The loud shrieks and shouts from the living room indicated that most of the other members were there, so Felix was safe to sneak into the kitchen to grab something quick to eat. Woojin didn’t need to know that he once again forgot to eat something nutritious for breakfast. As he rummaged through the cupboard for anything easy and quick to snack on he could feel a hand being placed on the small of his back, making it hard for him to repress his flinch.

 

    “Lixie, what are you doing?”

 

    “How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me like that? Do you want me to die from a heart attack at the age of eighteen?” He could hear giggling coming from behind him as hands wrapped around his waist, pulling him into a warm chest, now loud laughter ringing in his ears. Felix pulled at the hand a little bit, trying to get out of the grip, but just mumbling under his nose as he gave up after a few moments and continued on looking through the cupboard.

 

    “You shouldn’t skip breakfast so much, I noticed that you didn’t eat it yesterday too.”

 

    “Hyunjinie, I just woke up too late, I swear I’ll eat breakfast with you tomorrow, I just forgot to set an alarm clock and no one woke me up.” He could feel the taller boy tensing up behind him and he raised one of his eyebrows at that. Fingers ghosted over his stomach as they drummed to a random beat, calming the boy down faster than he expected.

 

    “Sorry Lixie, I wanted you to sleep a bit longer and I guess everyone noticed how tired you were and we just forgot that we didn’t feed you yet.” The boy almost snickered at the fact that Hyunjin was talking about him like a pet they had to take care of. The boys always gushed over how he was like a cuddly and clingy koala bear. If only they would listen to both him and Chan when they told them that koalas were actually very dangerous and could pass Chlamydia.

 

    “It’s okay, I’ll eat a few granola bars and we’ll grab something on break from practice.” Felix reached over to two granola bars as his other hand curled around Hyunjin’s left one still wrapped around his waist, patting it in an attempt to reassure the other that he really didn’t skip breakfast on purpose.

 

    “Am I interrupting something?” Hyunjin almost flinched away and Felix could feel the frown starting to form on his face, his fingers once again jerking against his own wrist as his other hand clutched at the two unopened granola bars.

 

    “Binnie hyung! I didn’t hear you come.” The tallest occupant of the room grinned widely and bounded over to the rapper like an over excited puppy and Felix could only watch him with wide eyes, crescent moon shapes left on his wrist.

 

    “That’s because you were being all over Felix too much to pay attention to anything else.” Changbin frowned playfully at the taller male and the other rapper let out a loud gasp, the corners of his lips tugging up, making him look softly at his hyung.

 

    “Hyung, are you jealous? You know you have nothing to be jealous about.” Felix could feel a slight pang in his chest and he shook his head the slightest bit, his eyes still focused on the two others as his knuckles turned white and his fingers cramped painfully.

 

    “Why would I be jealous of Felix?” _What?_ The young Australian shook his head a little bit as he looked at the two rappers in confusion. He knew that the two of them had a strong relationship, but they didn’t need to flaunt it in front of his face all the time. Of course Hyunjin wouldn’t pay attention to him when he had Changbin in front of him. Why would he? Why would anyone? He was just Felix. Plain old Felix. Too loud. Too bright. Too foolish. Too weird. Just too Felix. _Why would any member look at him when he couldn’t even look at himself without wanting to cover up his freckles and without leaving crescent moon marks on his skin._

 

    He was left alone in the kitchen as the other two went to the living room, the two granola bars long forgotten as he just left them on the counter, the wrappers a bit crumpled. He could hear Chan telling everyone to hurry up and he shuffled to the hallway after grabbing his water bottle, gulping some of the water down to swallow down the hunger that was crawling up his stomach.

 

    He can go one more breakfast without eating. He doesn’t need to eat this much.

 

    As they made their way to the JYP building, Jeongin and Seungmin chatting his ear off as he smiled at them and made a few comments to make them know he was paying attention, he felt eyes on his back.

 

    His fingers curled around his wrist as he rubbed the skin until it was raw and pink, waiting for everyone to step into their places as he was already in front of the mirror in their practice room. His feet throbbed as he moved. He has tightened the shoelaces too tight again.

 

    “Hyung, are you okay?” Felix could feel a buzz going around him, his fingers dancing over his elbow and the voices stopped.

 

    “Hyung?” He could feel fingers on his shoulder and he snapped his head to the side, his eyes peering into the ones of their maknae’s. Unconsciously, the corners of his lips turned up and in seconds he was grinning widely up at Jeongin.

 

    “You wanted something Innie?” The maknae tilted his head to the side as his eyes traveled through the other’s face, staying a bit longer on his cheeks.

 

    “Are you okay Lixie hyung? You’ve been staring at the same spot for five minutes. And you look a bit pale too.” The rapper made sure to smile at the boy as he ran his fingers through Jeongin’s fluffy hair, making sure to ruffle it. The younger boy let out a small whine, trying to swat the other’s hand away while a smile played on his lips.

 

    “I’m okay Innie, just blanked out for a few moments, I’m just a bit tired it’s nothing serious.” He could hear a scoff coming from his left and he turned his head to the side, eyes trained onto Changbin’s side profile as the shorter male stared at the mirror with a blank expression.

 

    “We’re all tired but we don’t make it an excuse to not pay attention to others.” The boy had to fight back the flinch as his head turned to look in front of him too. It was better to stare at the mirror and see his feet than at the disappointed faces of everyone else.

 

    A loud _Changbin_ and _What the fuck_ was heard in the practice room as both Jisung and Chan were ready to chew the other out. Felix groaned and mumbled under his nose _how he only ever made everyone argue_ and shook his head before turning to the others and letting out a loud cough to catch their attention.

 

    “It’s okay, we are all tired and I should pay more attention to everything around me, let’s just start the practice so that we could rest more later, okay?” The boy’s tired eyes flew over everyone’s faces as he smiled widely, hoping that they wouldn’t question him, his heart slamming against his chest as he quickly skipped Changbin and looked back in front of him.

 

    “Listen Felix I-“ The boy just shook his head as he turned his body to the side, his eyes studying his own movements in the mirror.

 

    “I get it hyung, let’s just practice and forget about this, we are just tired and frustrated.” He smiled at the mirror once again, hoping not to meet anyone’s eyes.

 

    “Let’s just get this practice over with and then go for a well deserved meal.” The younger Australian almost winced at Hyunjin’s words because he knew they were meant for him more than the others.

 

    He almost gripped his blond locks as the thoughts in his head grew louder. Stop. Stop. STOP. He could feel the itch under his skin traveling up his arm and to his neck. His knees wanting to buckle under his weight.

 

    “Okay, let’s just do it qui-“ Chan’s voice was interrupted as a knock sounded through the room and all nine pairs of eyes peered at the doors.

 

    Felix could feel the tension in the air as Woojin and Chan exchanges glances and as the Australian leader was about to move closer to the doors, they swung open and their manager ducked his head in, smiling at the boys sheepishly.

 

    “I’m sorry for interrupting your practice boys, but there’s someone I want you all to meet.” And there, right next to their manager stood a man who couldn’t be older than thirty, maybe even younger than that.

 

    “No, it’s okay, we were just about to start.” Chan bowed his head in respect and the other boys followed right behind him, still confused about the new face in front of them.

 

    “Everyone, meet Yoo Seojin, your new additional manager. God knows I can’t take care of all of you alone without loosing my sanity.” The boy could hear Minho chuckling behind him but all he could do was stare at the man, Yoo Seojin, who seamed to be staring right back at him.

 

    “Hyung, that’s because you are old. I think we should be calling you grandpa at this point.” Their manager shook his fist at Jisung while his eyes shone in amusement and a few others chuckled in entertainment.

 

    “Hello everyone, I’m sure I’ll have fun being your manager, I’ll make sure to look after you well.” Felix had to surpass the shiver that was threatening to go down his spine. Yoo Seojin was still staring at him.

 

    He could feel eyes burning into the side of his face as he bit his lower lip. Curse his anxiety for playing with his brains.

 

    The itch spread from his neck down to his ribs.

 

  **Tomorrow was gonna be a better day.**


	2. Drops of Mercury, drops of poison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seungmin just cares too much, Felix is too tired to do anything else but pretend, Hyunjin wants nothing more but to show his love and there’s a storm of black clouds and an unforgiving ocean moving too fast towards Felix.
> 
> And Jisung just wants hugs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: I love Felix’s freckles please don’t kill me I swear I love them.

    **Tomorrow was not a better day.**

 

    Felix stared at Seungmin as the boy looked at him with wide eyes, his brows furrowed as the two of them were doing everything they could to not wake up the other members who were still sleeping.

 

    “Lixie, what are you doing up?” The younger boy’s voice shook the lightest bit and his fingers were curled into tight fists as he looked past the rapper.

 

    “Couldn’t really sleep anymore. Are you okay Minnie?” The vocalist tilted his head to the side as he peered past the other’s shoulder and made sure that the doors of the other rooms were tightly shut, before tugging onto Felix’s wrist, making him follow him into the kitchen.

 

    “Don’t worry about me, I think I just got thirsty, but now that both of us are up let’s eat.” Felix raised one of his eyebrows up, knowing that neither of them were gonna cook anything up for themselves unless it was plain eggs or pancakes.

 

    “So cereal? Or toast?” Seungmin turned away from the fridge with a wide grin marring his features and wiggled both of his eyebrows up and down while holding a box that had once been buried in the back of the fridge as if to be hidden by everyone.

 

    “Or we could eat Woojin hyung’s leftover chicken and blame it on Chan hyung because we both know he’ll take the fall for us if we ask.”

 

    Felix glances at the box in the other’s hands again and grinned widely back. One or two pieces of chicken couldn’t hurt him too much, he only had lunch yesterday, so he was on the right track at this point.

 

    “I’m down. If anything Woojin hyung will just be happy that we are eating something for breakfast.” Felix quickly grabbed a piece of a chicken drumstick as Seungmin averted his eyes from his friend and worried his bottom lip in between his teeth.

 

    “Lixie you know you should be eating more, right? Why won’t you eat dinner with us? And you always oversleep breakfast too.”

 

    The blond gulped down the piece of chicken he has been chewing and briefly met Seungmin’s gaze, averting his eyes to the ground as guilt prickled at his ribs and the familiar pressure started building up behind his eyes. Old and new crescent moon shapes decorated his wrist and his nails dug into the flesh.

 

    “I don’t do it on purpose Minnie. I was just so tired yesterday and I guess my sleeping schedule is so screwed up that when I have the chance to, I’d rather sleep in a bit.” Seungmin wrapped his arm around the other’s shoulders softly as he led the two of them to the couch in the living room, the older boy having his head nestled in the other’s shoulder and neck.

 

    “I know you are tired Lixie, we all are. Bin hyung was a bit of a jerk yesterday, I know you’ve been working so hard on dancing and on your Korean. Sometimes you stay up longer than Chan Hyung and that’s physically almost impossible.”

 

    Felix hook his head at the ridiculous accusations. He took one more mouthful of the chicken, almost groaning at the heavenly feeling of the meat. And the younger boy giggled when he took notice of his blissed out expression.

 

    “You know it’s impossible to overwork yourself more than Chanie does. Also I think the extra practice is paying off, I’m sure I’ll out dance Minho hyung next time.” Seungmin shook his head in disappointment at the other and rubbed his thumb over his cheek, feeling the flesh heating up and the freckles stood out even more against the barely there glow of the rising sun and the low lighting of the living room.

 

    “You have been going home literally one hour later than Chan Hyung, please tell me you don’t think it’s healthy Lixie?” The older boy simply snuggled into his side as he let out a frustrated sigh. He was sure he was being silent enough and that he hadn’t really woken anyone up at night, but apparently Seungmin has the ears of a mouse.

 

    “It’s better to practice when I can’t sleep than to just lay in bed. At least I do something good then.” His shoulders were squeezed once again as he felt a cheek pressing into the crown of his head, his hair being ruffled.

 

    “You always do something good Lixie, you just sleeping until at least five is good. I’ll force you to sleep with me tonight if it means that you won’t leave the dorms at three in the morning to come back just before everyone wakes up.”

 

    Felix let out a sigh in giving up and wrapped his arms around the other’s middle, leaning all of his weight on Seungmin.

 

    “Okay, why was I not invited into this cuddle session?” The rapper let out a loud yelp and Seungmin giggled loudly, watching all of the other’s reactions as Jisung stood over the two of them with a faux angry expression painted on his face.

 

    “Move over, let me cuddle Felix too. I need my sunshine.” Seungmin groaned loudly but let Jisung squeeze in between of them and leaned back so that his head was resting on the back of the couch. Jisung wrapped his arms around the Australian tightly and swiftly moved him to sit on his lap, making the boy look down at him with an unimpressed expression.

 

    “Really? Am I a puppet to you?” Jisung smiled even wider, his eyes crinkling up joyfully and Felix couldn’t help but to smile down at him, the itch in his ribs slowly calming down, making him close his eyes for a few brief moments. Fingers carded through his hair as another pair of fingers danced down his jawline to his chin.

 

    “I should be angry at you two for eating my chicken but I’m just happy that you two ate breakfast normally.” Woojin’s warm voice filled the room as he now carded his fingers through Felix’s blond locks, tugging at them softly and laughing when the young boy whined in protest as his head was tugged to the side, now leaning against Jisung’s shoulder.

 

    “Good, because Felix was ready to throw Chan Hyung under the bus if you would have actually been angry.”

 

    “Oi Felix, you what? I thought we had a special bond.” The younger Australian lolled his head to the other side so that he would be looking at their leader and a small smile fought it’s way across his face.

 

    “Chanie, let me explain. It was all Seungmin’s idea.” He could feel Seungmin’s fingers digging into his side as he tried to tickle him as punishment and Chan shook his head while still smiling widely, tugging Felix up and into his arms.

 

    “Come on, up you go. Hyunjin has been searching for you and I don’t know how he missed you two being in the living room.”

 

    “He didn’t even greet Changbin, he just bolted out of the bed and started searching for you.”

 

    Jisung groaned half heartedly and grinned up at Felix from his sitting position, Seungmin now wrapped in the rapper’s arm as he snuggled into his side while trying not to fall asleep.

 

    The itch started back from his toes to his knees, his fingers twitching in that familiar way as he made his way to the room that Hyunjin should be in. Changbin can’t still be mad at him, right? Felix was just tired, nothing else, they were all tired, so he wasn’t going to be still angry, right?

 

    He found Hyunjin in the bathroom, brushing his teeth, the beauty mark under his eyes glimmering under the lights, almost glowing a rose gold and Felix couldn’t help but to let his lips part open in amazement.

 

    Changbin must be close by if Hyunjin’s mark was glimmering, that’s how soul marks worked. If your destined person was close to you, your mark shone brighter. And the closer they were, the brighter the mark shone.

 

    And apparently, Hyunjin’s shone a beautiful rose gold when he was around Changbin. And Felix’s heart slammed against his rib cage, but his fingernails dug into his sides as he wrapped his arms around himself to keep himself warm.

 

    “Hey Hyunjinie, you wanted something from me?” The beautiful boy looked at him through the mirror and smiled widely, his eyes glimmering in adoration as he turned around to face him and outstretched his arms widely open to welcome the other in.

 

    “Binnie hyung?”

 

    “I can hug you and love you without getting permission from him.” Felix stared at the ground in front of himself, wiggling his toes a little bit as Hyunjin crossed the space between them and finally wrapped his arms around him.

 

    “Don’t worry about Binnie, he’ll pull the stick out of his ass at some point, he’s stressed and he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions other than blowing up on others.”

 

    “Are we still gonna go to practice earlier today? You don’t have to help me with the dance if you don’t want to Lixie, I know you are tired too, you could still sleep for a few hours before everyone has to leave.” But the Australian shook his head energetically, he has actually been waiting for this for the whole week, dancing with Hyunjin has always been an easy way to forget about everything else. About the lack of marks on him and about the itch that travels up and down his body, making him want to scratch himself raw everyday.

 

    “I want to go, want to help. I already ate with Minnie, go eat and then we can go?” Felix cursed at himself for sounding so weak, for his voice cracking and shaking, but Hyunjin simply smiled down at him and squeezed his waist, leaving the bathroom with a yell of give me fifteen minutes and then we can go.

 

    Felix gripped the marble of the sink as he stared at his own reflection. At the freckles that he wished could disappear. Maybe then he would feel like it was easier to pretend like they weren’t his mark. What good use was of them if everyone could see them but they never glowed.

 

    Stars on my cheeks my ass. Chan was wrong. They looked nothing like the constellations that he could see every night back in Australia. Nothing like the bright splatters of silver all over the night sky. His were an ugly mud brown, splattered weirdly and chaotically all over his cheeks and spilling over to his temples.

 

    Maybe they were just like him. Too many of them.

 

    Nails digging into the toothbrush as he tried to at least function well enough to get over the day. He could hear the others outside of the bathroom. Jisung’s and Chan’s loud laughter and Woojin telling them to either go back to sleep or to shut up because it was way too early for anything else but whispers.

 

    There was a loud knock on the bathroom doors and Felix’s head snapped to the side, wincing at the cracking sound of his neck. He really needed to get the tension out of his body somehow.

 

    “Are you ready Lixie?” The boy sparred one last glance at the mirror as he spat the toothpaste out and rinsed out his mouth, making sure that he looked presentable enough if anyone other than the members saw him.

 

    As he swung the doors open, he was met with Hyunjin’s grinning face and he couldn’t do anything else but let out a loud giggle as he was dragged to the doors of the dorms, Hyunjin already wearing his shoes, eagerly waiting for Felix to do the same.

 

    And apparently Felix was too slow because just as he slipped his feet into his chucks Hyunjin crouched down in front of him, tying his shoelaces up. He could feel two pairs of eyes glaring holes into the side of his face but he only focused on Hyunjin and the way the boy smiled up at him.

 

    “Oh, by the way, our new manager is gonna sit in while we practice, something about trying to get to know us better?”

 

**Today was definitely not a better day.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am disappointed in myself because this is the second chapter and it’s so lukewarm? It’s more like a filler chapter but I want to show some moments between the boys before the angst actually creeps up on you all.
> 
> Forgive me for my grammar mistakes and typos, I’m never gonna learn my lesson to read what I write. I just hope the chappie made sense.


	3. Days gone by

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Tell me Felix, what’s your place in here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I live without editing because I like to live on the edge. We will be moving into angst very very slowly. I’ll try to edit later but I’ve been posting from my iPhone so the typos and grammar mistakes are a pain in my ass, but it’s what I deserve for being an idiot.

    If that one time back in eight grade when he had to tell his classmate that her period has started was awkward, then this was pure torture.

 

    The boy shifted his eyes from Hyunjin to their new manager as the three of them stood in the middle of their practice room, the two of them not knowing what to do and the man simply staring at them as if he was expecting something to happen.

 

    With trembling fingers Felix gripped onto the hem of Hyunjin’s sweatshirt and tugged at it gently, successfully getting the attention of the two other occupants of the room, quickly feeling even more out of place.

 

    “Hyunjinie, let’s just practice our new dance and Seojin hyung can watch how we work?” They had learned that the man was barely twenty eight, it was too awkward to call him anything else but hyung.

 

    The manager settled down by the wall near the doors on one of the chairs and rested his chin on one of his palms, evaluating the boys silently as the two of them stretched and Hyunjin poked Felix in the ribs and giggled when the younger boy tried to swat his hand away but failed.

 

    “Hyunjinie come on, stop playing around.” Felix couldn’t help and whine a little bit as the tall boy grinned down at him and his fingers danced over his narrow waist, ghosting over his sides and gripping his hips gently. He turned the two of them so that they would be both facing the mirror as the music bounced from wall to wall.

 

    “Seungmin said that you are planning to out dance Minho hyung, let’s see you try to out dance me first.” Felix let out a loud cackle as his side was tickled again and leaned his head back so that it would be resting against the other’s shoulder.

 

    “Traitor. I’m okay with being the third dancer in the group, you and Minho hyung are amazing.” Hyunjin was about to protest but Felix slipped out of his hold and glanced at their new manager, a shiver running down his spine as he noticed that his eyes were watching his every move.

 

    He clenched his eyes shut for the briefest moment as intruding thoughts and visions flashed in front of him.

 

_In and out. In and out. It’s all just memories. You are safe._

 

 

 

    “Come on Lixie, you are turning too fast, you loose balance on your right leg, that’s why you keep on stumbling.” Hyunjin was watching him through the mirror as Felix tried to perfect the move, but he just couldn’t find the right rhythm. He was either too fast or too slow. The itch returned and travelled down his arms, making his fingers twitch at the want to scratch at something. At his flesh until it turned pink and raw. Until he couldn’t scratch anymore.

 

    “Let’s do it one more time from the start.” Hyunjin was about to protest, to tell the other that they should leave the dance alone for today and wait for everyone else, but one glance at Felix’s determined face told him one more try. Just one more try can’t hurt that much, right? The boy knew his limits and when to stop, right?

 

    The Australian counted the beats, his legs moving across the floor as he matched Hyunjin’s movements, occasionally catching the other pair of eyes watching all of his movements like a hawk. A shiver went down his throat and he had to gulp down the whimper that was fighting to jump out of his throat.

 

**Then lost his footing again.**

 

    Felix stumbled into Hyunjin and the boy had just enough time to catch him before he hit the ground, the two of them panting and the taller boy curled his arm around the other’s waist to steady him. Felix couldn’t even look up because he was sure he would be met with disappointed eyes staring down at him. Disappointment didn’t look good on Hyunjin. Neither did frustration.

 

    “It’s okay Lixie, we all have our days off. Changbin choked up on his rap yesterday and sounded like a dying pig.” The boy still couldn’t lift his head up to face the other but he nodded at the attempt at comforting him. He knew that the rapper chocked up, he had been there. And Changbin had glared at him when he tried to hide his giggles. Everyone else laughted too, so it shouldn’t have been that bad that he wanted to laugh too, right? Not like he was actually making fun of him either way.

 

    “Hyunjin, why don’t you go and grab something to drink for the two of you? You worked hard.” The boy looked at the manager with confusion marring his features but automatically nodded his head in agreement and gave Felix one more squeeze on his hip before bounding out of the practice room with his wallet in his hand.

 

    The Australian stared down at his feet, he could still see the bruises all over them, swallowing up the skin. Greens, purples and blues. If he loosened his shoes up would he be able to finally go through with the dance move? If the bruises didn’t press so painfully into his flesh would it be easier to move around?

 

    He had long gotten over the idea of figuring out where the bruises came from. Maybe the universe hated him so much that it gave him bruising soul marks. Maybe that’s why his freckles never glowed? Because they were simply an anomaly that should have never been there.

 

    Fingers pressed into his wrist as he rubbed at the skin, feeling his pulse under his flesh and letting out a sigh of relief.

 

    He had almost forgotten that he was not alone in the practice room, too focused on moving his toes to feel the familiar sting of the bruises, when a movement caught his attention from the corner of his eye.

 

    Seojin was standing right behind him, less than a meter of space separating the two of them and Felix couldn’t help but inch a little bit closer to the doors, praying for Hyunjin to come back quicker. How long has he actually been gone either way?

 

    “I see why you were brought back to the show after you were eliminated.” The boy snapped his head to look back at the mirror, meeting the other’s hawk like gaze. It took him a few moments to actually figure out what the other had said and he tilted his head to the side in confusion.

 

    “Thank you hyung?” The manager smiled at him and a shiver went down Felix’s spine, making him shudder the slightest bit. There was something almost artificially sweet behind that smile. As if he was trying too hard to be nice, trying too hard to make him feel comfortable.

 

    “It’s a shame tho.” There it was, the oh so familiar but he has been waiting for. Felix didn’t even bother to mask the raise of his eyebrows and the downwards tug of the corners of his lips as he focused on the forehead of their new manager to look like he was actually looking into his eyes. Fingers dug into the flesh of his palms as his head started pounding and the skin of his left cheek tingled from his nerves.

 

    “A shame? Hyung is something wrong?” He knew he needed to stay polite even if he felt weird staying in the same room alone with the older man. The way he calculated his every move just screamed trouble and danger to him and his fight or flight instinct was bordering on flight at this point.

 

    The man clicked his tongue in annoyance and ran his fingers through his short hair, making sure to not let the other out of his sight, watching with a smile as the boy covered into himself almost unnoticeably and unconsciously wrapped his arms around his torso as if to comfort himself.

 

    “It’s a shame that you just blend into the background compared to the other members.” The boy’s eyes widened as he covered into himself even more, his shoulders sagging, making him look even smaller than he already was. He could hear a chuckle traveling through the bare walls and going straigh to his brains, lodging itself deep, making sure to haunt him when it will be way too late or too early to be awake.

 

    “You dance well, but compared to both Hyunjin and Minho, you are quite average. You are an okay rapper, but your group has Changbin and Jisung. Even Chan is a better rapper than you and he is a lead vocalist. And well, there’s not much to say about your vocals at this point.”

 

    The boy could feel the pressure building up behind his eyes, wanting to press his palms up against them, hoping that the traitor tears won’t slip until he will be all alone. The manager circled around him, calculating every inch of his body, almost as if mapping it into his memory. And Felix flinched away when he felt unfamiliar fingers ghosting over his side, he swore they were there, but they disappeared as fast as they had appeared.

 

    “You are a pretty boy, but Stray Kids has Hyunjin, who you pale in front of.” Then the fingers were back again, this time pressing into his side a little bit harsher, making him freeze in his place.

 

    “Tell me Felix, what’s your place in here?”

 

    The doors of the practice room flew open as laughter filled up the awkward tension and the manager moved back to the wall, sitting down and acting like he was oh so interested in his phone again.

 

    What’s your place? What’s your place? Felix. What’s your place?

 

    He could hear the familiar music playing in the background as his body moved on reflex, filling in his space in the choreography, three pair of eyes glaring into his side profile. One confused, one worried and one entertained.

 

    All he could hear was the ringing in his ears and the now familiar laughter stuck in his head, leaving no place for anything else but anxiety and overthinking.

 

    “Felix pay attention.”

 

    “I, what?” The confused boy looked around himself and he noticed that Chan was looking at him with furrowed eyebrows and Jeongin was standing a little bit closer to him than the choreography needed him to be.

 

    “Please tell me you noticed that you almost slammed into Innie a few moments ago.” He turned his attention to Changbin and the other boy simply stared at him with a frown marring his features and his eyes squinting the slightest bit.

 

    “I’m sorry, I got dist-“

 

    “Distracted. We noticed.” Felix threw Minho a guilty smile and the dancer simply smiled back at him, understanding that the boy wasn’t doing this on purpose. Everyone had their off days.

 

    “Pay attention, you weren’t added back after you were eliminated just to drag us down.” Changbin’s voice cut through the air like a knife and Felix couldn’t help but to cover into himself again as he glanced at the manager and saw that he was smiling as he watched his clear discomfort.

 

    “That was so uncalled for hyung, you know that Felix tries so hard at everything, so what if he made one mistake?” Jisung wrapped his arm around the Australian’s shoulder as he gave him a soft smile and warmth spread over his chest for a few seconds before it disappeared.

 

    “What’s good in trying if he keeps on screwing up?” He could hear a loud _what is your problem_ leaving Minho’s lips and he almost wanted to hug him. He never liked it when the two of them fought because of him.

 

    “You need to back down. Don’t make me point out every single step you fucked up today.” Felix physically flinched at Minho’s cutting voice and he looked from him to Changbin before letting out a soft groan and shaking his hair away from his forehead.

 

    “It’s okay hyung. I’ll try a little bit harder.” He was about to step back into his place when he was stopped once again.

 

    “A little bit? Try a lot.”

 

    “Changbin! You either apologize or shut up.” Felix covered back into Jisung and had to fight the urge to hide his face in his chest too. He didn’t want to cry. He wasn’t going to cry in front of everyone.

 

    “Let’s just run through the dance one more time and then take a break.”

 

    Felix looked back at his reflection in the mirror, watching his Adam’s apple bob up and down as the beat started again.

 

  _You don’t have one, do you?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changbin, sweety, I swear I will make you redeem yourself, you are not the evil in here :( I just love making my second bias wrecker a bit mean before he turns softish.
> 
> Also I’m not sure if I will be updating this story almost every day with 2-2.5k chapters or if I should post 2-3 times in a week with a 4-5k chapter.


	4. Young hearts run free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How glad Felix was that the granola bars he had taken were in the trashcan outside the building, untouched and still in their wrappers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the angst is gonna start slowly and TW: Non consensual touching, and hints at a starting eating disorder. I'm gonna be updating tags little by little because I'm a shitty person and forget to do that all the time.

    The boy avoided looking at the clock on the wall behind him. If he didn’t know what time it was exactly then maybe his body will stop wanting to shut down on him?

 

    He avoided looking at his phone too, his knees almost buckling with every ring of it until it stopped ringing at around 1pm, his head pounding, but he was sure that it was only the exhaustion pulling at his limbs and flesh. If he just pushed through maybe then the itch would stop spreading through his body. Maybe then something would start glowing.

 

    He wasn’t even sure what was supposed to be his soul mark. Was it his freckles? Or the random birth marks all over his body?

 

    He had avoided all of the members since their dance practice ended, pulling up the excuse of wanting to practice a little bit more and begging both Minho and Hyunjin to go home without waiting for him. Something about him working better when he was focusing on his own movements and nobody else being around him. He could recognize the hurt in Minho’s eyes when he rejected his offer to help him with the dance, but it was there only for a few seconds because Minho also understood Felix a little bit too well.

 

    Hyunjin had made him promise that he was going to only stay in the JYP building until midnight the latest, but Felix has never been good with keeping up with promises. Not even to Chan or Hyunjin.

 

    His phone rang again and the boy cursed loudly, scrambling to grab it, only to turn it off. If anyone asked, he’ll just say that it died because he forgot to charge it. It wouldn’t be the first time it had happened either way.

 

    His dark eyes focused on the top that was stuck to his body, his chest heaving up and down and his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down nervously. A frown played upon his features as his fingers gripped at the bottom of his top. Of course they would be ugly and short, making it hard for him to look at them for long enough. Is that why their stylists avoided putting rings on him? Because they knew that he wouldn’t fit them? Of course they knew. They were just too polite to tell him that.

 

    Slowly, he lost his top, letting it fall somewhere by his feet as he stared at his chest and stomach, frowning as he took in every single flaw that he had.

 

    With two fingers, he pinched the little fat he had by his side, barely concealing the sobs that were threatening to slip through his bitten lips. (And if anyone would tell him it wasn’t fat but muscle, he would only scoff at them because it’s impossible.) Maybe that’s why the stylists almost always gave him shirts with long sleeves and oversized tops? Because they knew that the fans deserved to only see the best, and Felix in a form fitting shirt was not the best they could offer?

 

    His fingers traced his ribs and he pressed into them, hissing at the mild discomfort, but still pressing his blunt nails into the skin, scratching at it until it was pink and raw, tingling from the now familiar sensation. The itch didn’t go away, it just spread all over his body until it stopped at his toes.

 

    What good was it if his ribs weren’t even noticeable? (And if anyone would tell him that his ribs were already sticking out, he would just laugh at them, telling them to stop joking around because he still weighted a little bit too much.)

 

    With his body now glistening in sweat and heavy from exhaustion, he finally took a glance at the clock on the wall. 3pm. Guess it was good enough. Felix smiled a little bit to himself as he nodded in approval. Two more hours of practice than he had yesterday.

 

    He snuggled into the hood of his jacket as the wind prickled the flesh of his cheeks and his nose, dusting his face over in a soft shade of rose. His members loved the shade on him, but he couldn’t help but hate it. It only brought out his freckles and made him want to cover into himself even more. Made him want to ask the make up artists to put even more concealer on his cheeks to cover up the abominations that he was cursed with.

 

    As he stood in front of the doors of his dorms, he couldn’t help but to pinch the skin of his wrist, gasping softly as pain traveled down his spine. What if someone was still up? Seungmin already knew about him coming and going at late and early hours, he didn’t need anyone else knowing about this too.

 

    Relief flooded his stomach and his heart stopped ramming against his ribcage as he stepped through the doors and into the hallway, taking notice that all the lights were shut off and he could hear some snoring coming from the rooms of the members.

 

    With heavy limbs he took off his shoes and hung his coat nearest to the doors. He was going to be the first one out of the dorms tomorrow either way.

 

    He stared at the food left in the fridge, knowing that it was Woojin who left him the bowl of kimchi stew with the side dishes and the fried rice. His stomach turned unpleasantly and he had to fight down the urge to gag at the thought of eating all of that food.

 

    He almost laughed at himself as his stomach also let out a loud growl, Felix feeling sickly giddy about the fact that he hasn't eaten for more than ten hours. Now if only he could push it to fifteen. Maybe then he could push it to twenty without anyone noticing.

 

    His fingers brushed against the apple he had unconsciously picked up and was about the press it to his lips, his heart once against slamming against his ribcage, screaming at him to stop.

 

    He could control it. He didn’t need to eat at 3am, right? It would only go to his tummy, and then he definitely couldn’t wear all those pretty shirts for their fans because he simply wouldn’t be able to fit into them.

 

    He gulped down two glasses of cold water and went straight to bed, knowing that he shouldn’t take a shower before going to sleep, it will only keep him awake. If he will sleep until five it should be enough for him to take a shower and slip out of the dorms without waking anyone up.

 

    His eyes were dropping heavily as he looked at Jisung’s resting face for a few seconds, a soft smile making it’s way across his features.

 

    He missed cuddling Jisung to sleep, but he knew that he didn’t deserve the other hugging him, not when he couldn’t even go lower than 110 pounds on the weighting scale. (And if anyone would tell him that it was unhealthy for him if he weighted that much, he would just shake his head and tell them that he was just that thin naturally.)

 

 

 

    A low groan slipped through his chapped and dry lips, his hand quickly shooting out of the covers of his bed to silence down his alarm clock. He was happy that at least he was rooming with the members who seemed to not be sensitive to sounds, which made his job of getting out of the room and the dorms even easier than it should be.

 

    With hot water hitting his back, leaving red marks of heat on his flesh, Felix let himself relax for a few moments. His mind went blank and he could only hear his ragged breathing and the sound of water hitting his skin, his cheek pushed up against the cold surface of the shower wall, absorbing the foreign chill.

 

    His lips bitten raw as intruding thoughts made him slam his head against the wall to get rid of them for at least a few seconds, at least until he managed to get out of the dorms so that no one would see the mess he had become.

 

    He hissed at the feel of the soft towel brushing against the still raw marks he had left on his hips and left side when he was digging his nails into his flesh a little bit too much yesterday. But maybe he deserved this discomfort?

 

    If he danced better maybe then the fans would like him more. If he rapped better then maybe Chan wouldn’t have to give him pity lines in their songs, maybe he would actually be proud of giving him lines. If his Korean was at least a little bit better, maybe then the members wouldn’t have to explain every single thing to him as if he was a child.

 

    Maybe, if he tried hard enough, he wouldn’t feel like he didn’t belong.

 

    He slipped through the doors of the dorms at five in the morning sharp, having only slept for one hour and clutching onto two granola bars still in their wrappers, thinking that he will eat them after practicing, right before the members will come.

 

    His body hit the ground for the first time precisely at 6:57 as he stumbled over his own feet while trying to rotate while dancing.

 

    The boy hissed loudly and cursed under his nose, clenching his fingers into tight fists until his knuckles turned white and his palms throbbed in pain.

 

    The second time his body hit the ground was at 7:45 as he tried to go over the dance he had created with Hyunjin.

 

    Sweat was rolling down the side of his head and he felt too hot, maybe he should get rid of the sweatshirt he was wearing. But if any member walked in on him without a sweatshirt, they would have to stare at his ugly and fat body. And Felix couldn’t let them suffer through that.

 

    The third time his body hit the ground was at 8:03 as the doors of the practice room slammed open and a person stepped in. It was their manager. Seojin.

 

    Felix scrambled to his feet, his knee and ankle sore as he landed on them and bowed in respect, his cheeks dusting over with pink in embarrassment.

 

    “Ah. I see that you took my words seriously. Good. You need to work harder to get on the level of everyone else.” Felix could only nod his head as he could feel the now familiar pressure building up behind his eyes, bitting down onto his bottom lip to make sure that the embarrassing sound of his cries wouldn’t slip through.

 

    No one needed to see him like that. No one needed to see this ugly side of him.

 

    Felix could only shiver as he pressed the buttons on the speakers, restarting the song as the manager sat down on the same chair he had sat on the day before. The boy had to fight back the unwelcome memories and whispers of the cold and bitting words floating in his head.

 

    The faster he got used to them the better. The manager only told this to him because he wanted him to become better. The manager was here to watch over him and make sure that he became the best Felix he could ever be.

 

    With his head bent down so that he wouldn’t have to look at his own reflection the boy took his place in the middle of the practice room. If he didn’t lift his head up then he won’t be able to see the disappointed and probably disgusted expression on the older man’s face.

 

    With shaking knees he took a few steps to the side, his thoughts running a thousand miles per hour, making him want to scream to shut up. To leave him alone.

 

    A soft gasp left his parted lips and he bumped into a body standing right behind him. When did the manager move? Was he so lost in his own thoughts that he couldn’t even hear him moving around? The boy scoffed at himself. Of course, he wouldn't hear him, not everyone walked as loudly as an elephant. Not everyone walked like Felix.

 

    He flinched away without thinking as he felt cold fingers pressing into his sides through his thick sweatshirt, making his heart sink down to his stomach. If it was one of the members then maybe he would be okay with it, but he didn't know Seojin.

 

    He could feel his body starting to tremble as the fingers slipped up and pressed against his ribs, poking at them, probing them as if to see just how much they were sticking out.

 

    He could feel warm breath ghosting over his exposed neck and he had to suppress the shiver that was threatening to travel down his spine.

 

    An almost cruel chuckle filled his ears and brains as the fingers traced down his sides, now gripping onto his hips, a little bit too tight for Felix’s liking. If anyone would have asked him, he would say that he would have preferred cruel words over this, anything over this.

 

    He was sure that there were going to be bruises marking his hips, shaped like long and thin fingers.

 

    “You see how pretty you are like this? Sweating and exhausted, wanting to please everyone around you?”

 

    The fingers traveled down until they were grazing the top of his thighs and now the breath ghosting over his neck made him want to empty his stomach right in front of him, right on the same ground he had danced on.

 

    How glad Felix was that the granola bars he had taken were in the trashcan outside the building, untouched and still in their wrappers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have decided to be updating 2 times a week starting the next chapter and the lenght of every update should be between 4k - 5k, maybe more. I should be updating Wednesdays and Sataurdays, so the next update should be on Saturday, unless I will again have a sleepless night and will say fuck it.


	5. The pills won't help you now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t deserve to have gold. All he had were blues and greens and purples.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a 2k update before I update with the actual update tomorrow, it's Friday right now and I felt like updating before Saturday, so here ya go, hope it's good. I guess angst is rolling in slowly. This is a very not active chapter, more about Felix and his thoughts?

    The feel of those cold fingertips pressing into his hips didn’t leave him for days.

 

    Felix went to sleep with his mind being haunted by the cruel and watchful eyes of their new manager and he woke up covered with cold sweat, his chest heaving up and down as he tried to breathe silently enough to not wake any of the other members up.

 

    Felix was not having a good day.

 

    Felix hasn’t had a good day for, well, quite a few days. He lost count after the fourth day and he thinks now it’s been more than a week since the manager has touched him for the first and last time. He had tried to avoid meeting his eyes when he was in their practice room or with them during recordings. And it helped that their main manager didn’t think it’s weird that he always came to him and not Seojin.

 

    The soft sounds of some random show playing on the TV drowned out the hushed whispers in the living room and Felix leaned his head against the marble surface of the cupboard. His head has been pounding painfully for the past three hours and all he could do was hide away from all the sounds that were irritating him.

 

    The coldness seeping through his flesh didn’t help him much, making him sigh in annoyance every few seconds as he thought if he should slip out of the dorms now when no one was looking or if he should join everyone so that Jisung wouldn’t have a reason to tell him that he has been overworking himself lately.

 

    The whispers in the living room grew louder and Felix winced in frustration, his fingers tangling in his hair, tugging at the stray locks, making him hiss in the now familiar sting.

_Why couldn’t they just be more silent?_

 

    Of course, how much silence can you hope for when there are nine boys living in an over cramped apartment? Felix was lucky enough to have those few hours until sunrise only to himself. He loved his members so much, but sometimes he felt too overwhelmed, as if they were slowly suffocating him.

 

    Sometimes Felix couldn’t help but roll his eyes when Hyunjin and Changbin would cuddle on the couch or would be hugging each other, only for Changbin to turn to Felix after a few moments as if to watch him being alone, sometimes even mocking him with that beautiful smile that seemed to always tug at his heartstrings.

 

    And sometimes Chan worrying about him was just a little bit too much. Sometimes Felix didn’t want to be babied by the other, it only made him feel like a child more than he already did, as if he was always going to depend on him.

 

    He let his hands drops to his sides as he pressed his eyes shut tightly, hissing at the light still seeping through his shut eyelids.

 

    Today was definitely not a good day.

 

    The Australian boy’s head snapped up and to the side as a loud shout could be heard from the living room, a few more voices following after it.

 

    “I don’t fucking care about it!” The boy’s head pounded even more as he could easily recognize the familiar bite in the voice, the familiar tone when it had been directed at him lately. He didn’t even try to hold in the whine that left his parted lips, feeling his heart sinking into his stomach and twisting in that disgusting way, making him want to empty out everything he had eaten the day before.

 

    “Well you should, he’s a member! Your friend!”

 

    With shaking fingers, Felix swayed a little bit to the side as he tried to hold onto the wall that seemed to be slipping from his grasp. He couldn’t even function well enough to hold onto a fucking wall. How fantastic. How was he going to function as an idol if he couldn’t even hold his emotions in, if he can’t even stand on his own two feet without feeling like he was going to crumble down?

 

    _How pathetic._

 

 _Look at yourself. Just look at yourself._ The nasty voice in his head laughed at him, mocking the way his knees wobbled as he tried to make his way out of the kitchen and into the hallway, everything ringing in his ears.

 

    “If he can’t take care of himself then it’s not my problem!” Felix parted his lips again, leaning against the wall as his head spun and his vision swam for a few seconds, no sound leaving him as he tried to focus on the members in the living room.

 

    Chan was all up in Changbin’s face, the two of them glaring at each other as the younger male’s chest heaved up and down and his lips were pulled up into a straight line.

 

    Felix could only hold onto the wall behind him, slowly loosing the grip on it as his eyes darted from one member to another, his cheeks tingling again as he watched everything that unraveled in front of him. His heart slammed against his chest as if it was trying to escape and he wished he could escape with it.

 

    His gaze briefly met Woojin’s, who was looking at him with wide eyes, lips already parted and seconds away from calling his name out, wanting the others to know that the Australian was also in the room, that they weren’t alone anymore.

 

    “Maybe that’s why he doesn’t have a mark on him. Because no sane person in this world would ever take care of him.”

 

    Felix hissed in pain as he instinctively jerked backwards and slammed the back of his head into the wall, a loud thud echoing through the room, making six pairs of eyes fall upon the boy who was now trying to cover into himself, his eyes darting down to the ground that was suddenly so interesting. Wow, was the flooring in their dorms always this uneven?

 

    He pressed himself into the wall as a cautious palm pressed up against his arm, trying to get his attention. With stiff shoulders, the boy shrugged a little bit, just enough to make the hand fall away from him, leaving a burning path down his skin.

 

    “F-felix? I-“ The freckled boy couldn’t even fathom why he thought it was a good idea to raise his head at that moment, his eyes fleeting over everyone’s faces as they landed on Jeongin’s wide and visibly hurt pair of orbs.

 

    “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.” Incoherent mumbles and pleas left his lips as he couldn’t help but to rub at his cheeks, his fingers staining with tears as he tried to chase away the tingling on his flesh, a soft hiss of please stop leaving his chapped lips.

 

    He watched as Jeongin’s eyes widened even more, and in any other normal situation he would have laughed at him, but he could only let out a soft whine as the maknae’s trembling fingers pressed up against his own fingers, pulling them away gently.

 

    Felix tried to tilt his head down, the traitorous tears still slipping down his cheeks as he felt eyes focused on him. Too many pairs of eyes focused just on him. _Please look away. Please don’t look at me. Why are you looking at me?_

 

    “Felix.” The boy shook his head gently, as much as Jeongin’s fingers let him as they once again found their place back on his cheeks, pressing against them as if they were the eight wonder of the world.

 

    “Please don’t touch them Innie, can you please not touch them?” He could barely make out his own voice, the words sounding so foreign to his ears as he heard a few gasps around him. A frown made it’s way across his features as he had to fight back the urge to scoff at the few members. They’ve seen his freckles every day for the past almost two years and Felix almost laughed at that, did they just figure out how ugly they actually were?

 

    “What are you all looking at? Have you not seen freckles before?” With his eyes now finally focused on every one in front of him. He could see that they were all staring at his freckles and he had the urge to cover them up with his hands.

 

    His cheeks tingled from embarrassment and he was sure that he was bright red too, making his freckles stand out even more.

 

    “Lixie, your freckles are glowing.”

 

    The loud bang of the doors of the dorms echoed through the otherwise silenced space as Felix could only stare in front of himself, at the spot that a few seconds ago Changbin was standing in.

 

    “Oh my God Lixie, your freckles are glowing!”

 

    Felix’s eyes flew over and met Hyunjin’s wide ones for a few seconds before he slipped out of Jeongin’s lax hold and bolted out of the dorms, dodging Jisung’s hands that were trying to grab at him to make him stay.

 

    He could hear panicked shouts of his name behind him but all that was on his mind was to get out and away, his cheeks burning as he tried to cover them up as he flew down the stairs, knowing that if he waited for the elevator someone would catch up to him.

 

    Felix only stopped to catch his breath as he stood in front of the JYP building, hissing at himself for coming to the one place that the others would definitely search for him at. But he didn’t have any other place where to go.

 

    Spending all of his time in the training rooms ended up with him not actually knowing a lot of places in Seoul other than the hiding places in the JYP building when everything got a little bit too loud and he needed to disappear for a few hours.

 

    The Australian boy avoided the familiar third floor as he had a feeling that Changbin would be locking himself up in the recording studio, opting to go to the fourth floor, his hair already matted and sticking to his forehead from him running.

 

    Only when standing in the middle of the practice room did Felix finally feel the ache in his feet, looking down and letting out an ugly bark of laughter.

 

    His vision was met with his feet only clad in the orange socks that he had stolen from Seungmin in the morning when he wasn’t watching. How weird he must have looked to everyone when he was running through Seoul, shoeless and with the ugliest and brightest pair of socks on his feet too.

 

    Unconsciously, his fingers flew up to press into his cheeks and as he felt the skin burning up, he whipped his head around to stare at the mirror wall in front of him, a loud and broken sob leaving his lips.

 

    Why now? Why when he had finally been starting to get used to the idea that maybe he wasn’t supposed to glow at all?

 

    And then Felix’s eyes widened in fright and hurt. His chest sunk even lower, to the pits of his stomach, as his knees wobbled and he sank to the ground, not being able to hold himself up anymore.

 

    Someone from his group was his soul mate.

 

    Someone knew that he had a soul mate and just watched him beat himself up, thinking that he was too damaged for anyone to actually care about him.

 

    A chuckle broke through him as his body started shaking, his arms wrapping themselves around his torso as if to protect him from everything and everyone.

 

    His own soul mate, whoever he was, didn’t even care enough to tell him about their bond.

 

    His eyes focused back on the mirror in front of him, on the specks of gold splattered all over his cheeks and spilling onto his temples. He had to know. His soul mate had to have known that Felix was supposed to be his.

 

    There’s no way he didn’t.

 

    No one was as damaged as Felix to not glow next to their soul mate.

 

    Another sob wracked his body as his arms tightened their hold onto his torso as if to hold himself together.

 

    His soul mate didn’t want him.

 

    His own soul mate didn’t want him.

 

    If even he rejected him, then how was Felix supposed to love himself, when even the one meant for him didn’t want to be with him?

 

    His fingers flew up to his cheeks, the nails digging into the flesh painfully as he scratched at the gold until he could only see pink.

 

    He didn’t deserve to have gold. All he had were blues and greens and purples.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly love Binnie but I had to sacrifice someone for a bit, and he drew the short end of the stick. I'm probably not gonna edit for awhile because I'm a shithead who has no control over her english and I'm running on 2-3 hours of sleep again so this is just a chapter of me getting out all the exhaustion and stress out of my system probably. Kids never take life advice from me because you will probably end up dead in a ditch.


	6. Dudes and dudettes, I swear I did not die

Yet. I feel guilty over not updating when I have figured out a schedule to do so but I have rotten luck and I have been in the hospital for the last almost two weeks and just got my laptop a few days ago because apparently my shithead of a flat mate can’t be bothered to bring it to me when he comes over every fucking day so fun fun. 

But yeah, I live peeps. I’m slowly working through the next two updates because I want to post two chapters in two days because Saturday and Sunday will be a no show again and yeah. You are welcome to scream at me anytime because I truly deserve it =(


	7. Heaven knows I'm miserable now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost like Felix was the only thing in existence. 
> 
> Almost like Chan was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short 2.4k chapter. I know I promised longer ones but rotten luck pulled a strike and I've been stranded in the hospital for two weeks without my laptop and only got it a few days ago. I'm honestly getting used to hospital food so hey, that's aight? 
> 
> The angst train is chochooing through the stations, so buckle up? I hope you love having SKZ suffer because I know I love angst.
> 
> Also TW: non consensual touching and hints at an eating disorder.

    Time flies by really fast when one is trying to avoid his own members.

 

    Felix didn’t even notice it when the time on the wall clock changed from 11:43 to 5. The only reason why he figured out that he had in fact been in the practice room for long was the increasing rumbling and churning of his stomach.

 

    The boy almost grinned at his own reflection masochistically as he counted the hours he hasn’t had anything to eat.

 

    _Twenty two._

 

    A strained chuckle left his chapped lips, fingers digging into his cheeks as he counted all of the spots marring his features.

 

    Once tan skin was now a little bit too pale, and where gold was painting his flesh not even half a day ago, everything was covered in raw pink spots. Lines going down from his lower eyelids to the corners of his lips, glaring against his otherwise fair skin.

 

    If he can go twenty two hours then he can go thirty. It’s not that hard. The boy hissed at himself as his fingers dug into the raw lines on his face. His stomach rumbled loudly and he let out a laugh in response. He could control this. If he can’t control his own emotions then the least he can do is control his own body.

 

    He swayed from side to side as Voices started playing through the speakers, the boy automatically fell into the choreography.

 

    The practice room filled up with the sounds of the Australian’s harsh breathing as he moved and slid through the floor, his knees hitting the ground a little bit too hard as his chest heaved up and he tried to take in huge gulps of air.

 

    He could feel his cheeks tingling and his fingers flew up to the flesh, rubbing at it, wishing to take away all the marks, to make them disappear.

 

    The itch all over his cheeks intensified and he couldn’t do anything else but to let out a broken cry, his fingers twitching in the need to make the marks bleed out all of the gold until they were an angry red and pink.

 

    His head snapped to the side as his heart threatened to jump out of his chest as the doors of the practice room were once again slammed open.

 

    “Does anyone know how to actually knock before barging in?”

 

    “That’s no way to talk to your hyung.” The Australian’s eyes widened as he could only stare at the boy in front of him, meters of space and ground separating them, giving him the much needed sense of security that at least he couldn’t touch him.

 

    “Since when did you care about being called a hyung?” And Felix watched the other’s blank expression, not used to seeing the other be so controlled.

 

    “I’m surprised it took you so long to come and check up on me. I’m not a child Chan, I can go a day without being babied.”

 

    A soft sigh traveled through the space between them, making Felix flinch away the slightest bit. The frustration and bitterness was the only thing running through his veins, pushing the guilt back.

 

    Not everything that shines is Gold. Ugly blues and greens ran through his veins and he had to fight back the wince as he heard Chan taking a cautious step over to him, as if he was a hurt and lost animal, ready to flee at any given moment.

 

    “What have you done Lixie?” The mentioned boy just hung his head in embarrassment, his shoulders sagging as he knew that the older noticed the rawness of the flesh of his cheeks and that the normally mud brown freckles were barely showing behind the lines.

 

    “Baby, please talk to me.” He could feel his skin tingling and the itch spread down to his toes, and the boy pushed all of the intruding thoughts as far back as he could.

 

 _You are so pathetic. Reacting like this to a simple pet name._ And he couldn’t help but to freeze up as he felt gentle fingers pulling at his chin, guiding his face up so that he would be facing his leader. And with eyes clenched shut he had to fight back the urge to scream at the other to let go.

 

    The burning the fingertips left behind on his skin was too pleasurable, Felix didn’t want to have to wake up everyday just to know that no one would actually touch him like this. Not with this much softness and care at least.

 

    “At least look at me Lixie.” The younger Australian stubbornly clenched his eyes shut even tighter as the other’s fingers danced across his cheeks, barely touching, almost as if Chan was too afraid to hurt the other.

 

    “Please?” And he didn’t know what it was. Was it the begging tone that was bleeding through the simple word? Or was it the way the fingers were rubbing against his temple, as if tracing the spilled over marks? Whatever it was, Felix slowly fluttered his eyes open, blinking a few times to let the light swallow up his vision before he focused back on Chan.

 

    And oh how Felix wanted to slam his eyes shut again.

 

    The itch spread all over his body, making his fingers twitch against his sides as Chan looked at him with an expression that the boy knew shouldn’t be reserved for him. The leader looked too soft, too gentle, too mesmerized.

 

_Almost like Felix was the only thing in existence._

 

**_Almost like Chan was in love._ **

 

    And Felix let out a bitter chuckle slip through his parted lips. _As if someone like Chan would ever fall in love with him._

 

    If his own soul mate couldn’t love him, then how can someone else love him? An anomaly like him was not meant for anyone.

 

    Gentle fingers pressed against his cheeks, rubbing at the raw pink lines and the freckles softly, too cautious to press into the flesh, not wanting to hurt the boy.

 

    “So pretty.”

 

_What?_

    Felix’s eyes snapped back to the boy in front of him, Chan’s gaze trained on the boy’s cheeks, flying all over his face as if he was trying to map him out into his memory.

 

    And as the leader’s fingers left his skin for just a few seconds, Felix caught the unmistakable glint of gold against the other’s fingertips.

 

_What?_

    And apparently he couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself as he felt those fingertips back on his cheeks, brushing against his right temple, leaving marks of gold glinting under the harsh lights of the practice room.

 

    “You’re so pretty Lixie. Your marks are so pretty.”

 

    “M-marks?” The boy’s voice trembled as he could only look at the other with wide eyes, his mind running a thousand miles a second.

 

    Chan’s smile dimmed down noticeably as he glanced at his own fingers too, the gold glittering traitorously and he slowly turned his head to the side to look at the mirror wall, at the two of them. He studied the way Felix bit down onto his bottom lip as he tried to figure out just what exactly was happening around him.

 

    A loud gulp could be heard and Felix’s eyes flew down, landing on the other’s exposed collarbones and neck, the shirt not leaving much of his upper body to imagination.

 

_Silver_

 

    Felix could see silver. Wrapped so prettily around the other’s neck in a thin line, almost as if he was being presented to his soul mate as a gift.

 

    With trembling fingers, he ghosted over the other’s skin, making Chan shiver at the feeling of the other against him, against his mark. He tilted his head to the side, craning his neck the slightest bit in order to let the other do as he pleases.

 

    Within a second Felix had his back pressed into the wall, his wide eyes staring at Chan who was still standing in the middle of the practice room as he curled up into himself.

 

    “Lixie, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to freak you out.” The boy shook his head in disbelief as the one he had trusted the most tried to explain himself, tried to get the other to look at him without the hurt and betrayal clearly visible in his eyes.

 

    “Why?” He could barely recognize his own voice as he gripped onto his left wrist, his thumb pressing into the veins, counting the pulse.

 

    “I, I freaked out.” Felix had to fight back the urge to actually glare at the other. _He freaked out? How hilarious._

    “When?” Chan gulped loudly as he took a step closer to the other and Felix could only let out a loud hiss as he covered into himself, trying to get the other to stay as far away from him as possible.

 

    “When did you find out?”

 

    “Three months ago. When you came to me because you were missing Australia a little bit too much and you fell asleep in my arms.” Felix nodded his head dumbly, cursing at himself under his nose. Of course it would happen when he was asleep. He couldn’t even stay awake long enough to meet his soul mate.

 

    “You didn’t glow Lixie. My neck glowed when you pressed into me, I could feel the marks all over my skin, choking me.” Felix could only stare at the other with a blank expression, his heart ripping into pieces as he had to witness Chan start crying in front of him. His sweet and loving leader, what has he done to him? Soft and cuddly Chan was crying because of him.

 

_How could Felix do this to his own soul mate?_

 

    “You didn’t glow when I touched your cheeks and I thought that maybe I was broken. I couldn’t tell you that you didn’t glow around your own soul mate Lixie. I hid behind turtlenecks and scarfs, I didn't want you to feel even more like shit just because you didn't glow back.”

 

    With a blank face, the younger Australian parted his lips and his heart shattered to a million pieces as the words broke Chan.

 

    “I think you should leave Chris. I will be back in the dorms later tonight. Go back.”

 

    Chan stumbled back as he tried to hold in the plea towards the other to not push him away. Felix would rarely call him by his English name when they were alone, saying that it felt a little bit too harsh, that it only made him miss Australia so much more. So hearing the other call him Chris only made him feel like the ground was slipping from beneath him.

 

    Felix almost wanted to stop the other as he stumbled out of the practice room, leaving only unheard pleas and broken begs behind himself.

 

    “Well that was entertaining.”

 

    His traitorous mouth couldn’t even keep shut as he let out a surprised gasp and could feel the foreign yet familiar touch against his ribs, a palm pressed up against him.

 

    “You didn’t have to go and break his heart like that doll.” The hot breath ghosted over the shell of his right ear as he tried to cover into himself but ended up unwillingly pressing himself closer into the man behind him.

 

    How long had he been there? How much did he see? _How did Felix not notice that there was someone else?_

 

    “Chan didn’t lie, you are a pretty one doll. Too bad even your own soul mate ran away from you.”

 

    “Please let go of me.” Felix once again cursed at himself for sounding so weak. Where was that deep and Satan like voice when he needed it?

 

    “What was it? You want me to hold you closer?” The palm that was pressed into his ribs traveled down to his right hip as the man’s other arm wrapped around his waist, pressing himself into the backside of the much younger boy.

 

    “How does it feel knowing that you won’t have Chan like this?”

 

    “Please stop.” A soft sob left Felix’s parted lips as he could only beg the other man to let him go, his skin burning everywhere he touched. He wanted Chan’s fingers back of his cheeks, on his temples, his jawline, anywhere. _Oh how stupid Felix was._

 

    “Oh but angel, we are just getting started.”

 

    Felix let out a low groan of pain as the other pressed his palm into his ribs, pushing against the bones, leaving bruises behind himself.

 

    And for a few moments he had thanked whatever God there was when the doors of the practice room slammed open again, only to be met with Changbin’s eyes narrowed into a glare, a pair of shoes clutched against his chest.

 

    The older rapper’s eyes were glued to the arm on Felix’s hip as the younger boy spent a second to get out of the manager’s hold.

 

    “Brought you shoes but apparently you don’t need my help.”

 

    Felix had crossed half of the room when Changbin had left, the pair of shoes still clutched to his chest, an angry growl leaving his lips as he glanced at the other one last time.

 

    He could hear the mocking laughter behind him, enjoying his misery.

 

    “Have fun with your soul mate. That is if he will even want to be near you.”

 

    Felix could only stare at the ugly orange socks as he had fled the practice room, escaping from the cruel laughter and into the empty and silent hallway.

 

    Ugly blues and blacks ran through his veins as he stumbled down the street, people staring at him, a kid who was shoeless and clearly spacing out.

 

    It was a miracle that he had managed to find his way back to the dorms, his mind completely blank and his nose red from the chilly cold.

 

    His heart dropped to the pits of his stomach as he heard loud arguing in the living room. It was almost like he hadn’t left the dorms.

 

    He could only watch as Woojin looked back at him with a helpless expression as Hyunjin was holding onto Changbin’s wrist, holding him back from lashing out at an obviously distressed Chan.

 

    “Why don’t you tell us why you were so close to the manager after just finding out about your soul mate, _Lixie_?” Changbin spat his nickname out as if it physically disgusted him to say it out loud, making Felix almost cover into himself.

 

    Chan’s head snapped to the side, his eyes wide and wild, shining with unmistakable confusion and the slightest bit of hurt, still red and a bit swollen, eyelashes still damp and tears clinging to them.

 

_Oh God. What has he done?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise surprise, I ship the Aussie line ;-; Soul mates aren't like automatically romantic, but they are a pretty big deal so yeah, Felix is a bit dramatic and so is Chan, but they are lost and hurt bby's. 
> 
> I pity Chan in here, I really do. I love the boy, such softness, but ya know, if Felix suffers = everyone will suffer. Also Binnie, bby, I will make you redeem yourself, he's not even that much of a dick, just very misunderstood and ya know, people are jerks sometimes. 
> 
> I am not promising much when it comes to updates, but I think I will stick to 1 - 2 updates a week that will be around 4-5k from now on, I'm getting back on track with writing so yeah. 
> 
> Also I have another story in draft because ya girl really can't stick to one thing so I will be working on it too and maybe I will even post it around this or next week.


	8. Love, not lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it was the link between the two because of their elimination. Or maybe something just grew after all those nights spent in the practice room, just the two of them dancing until their bodies laid pliant against the ground, the two of them smiling at each other dumbly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have promised a long chapter but watch me comeback with a barely 2k chapter ;-; surprisingly it's not as angst as the others, I was in a fluffier mood I guess? Enjoy me pushing my own 2-3 hours sleeping schedule onto Felix.

    If Jisung wouldn’t have been standing right behind him, blocking him from the doors, Felix would have bolted out of the dorms within seconds. He could barely keep himself standing as he tried not to look at Chan, at the hurt that was swallowing him up. Or at Changbin, who was buzzing with anger and frustration.

 

    So Felix decided to focus his eyes onto the wall right behind Minho, the older boy always being capable of reading his emotions the best.

 

    “Cat got your tongue?” Felix clenched his jaw, his teeth gritting, making Seungmin stare at him with worry written all over his features.

 

    “I don’t know what you are talking about?” And Felix knew that he should have kept his mouth shut, tongue already being bitten as he finished his sentence. He saw how Changbin’s expression changed from anger to disbelief and then to something close to bitterness.

 

    Hyunjin tried to push the rapper back, noticing that both Chan and Felix were freaking out, and that Jeongin was slowly creeping backwards, almost like he was scared of Changbin. And Hyunjin would have been lying if he would have said that during that moment he wasn’t a bit spooked too.

 

    “Oh? So when I walked into the practice room you weren’t all over our new manager? And right after Chan told you that he was your soul mate?” The boy’s eyes widened as he shifted to look at Minho, the dancer already looking at him with a frown marring his features, his eyes questioning, yet still holding a certain softness.

 

    “Can you chill? You probably misunderstood something.” Sweet Woojin, always the peacekeeper. Felix could feel his insides twisting and turning as he watched the gears working in Minho’s head, as if he was trying to figure out just what exactly was happening.

 

    “There’s nothing to misunderstand? I walked in and Felix was all over manager Seojin.” He could feel hands on his shoulder, he knew that they belonged to Jisung, he was the only one who always managed to get the itch to disappear. But now the familiar touch only made his heart drop to the pits of his stomach.

 

    He could feel eight pairs of eyes focused on him, on every single inch of his body. And the boy covered into himself, his fingers digging into his sweater paws and the sweatshirt he had been wearing felt too heavy against his body.

 

    “Changbin hyung, can you please stop?” Felix knew that he shouldn’t have talked again when the mentioned rapper was in his face within seconds, the neckline of his sweatshirt balled in his fists. For someone who was so short, he definitely could be intimidating when he wanted to be.

 

    “Let go of him!” Seungmin’s voice was laced with unmistakable panic as they all watched the rapper push Felix backwards and straight into Jisung’s chest, the boy barely managing to catch the Australian before he fell.

 

    “I knew you were trouble the moment Chan introduced you to us. You have a fucking soul mate and you go searching for love in another person? And some one who is almost ten years older than you at that too?” There were loud yells telling Changbin to shut up, Woojin forcefully dragging the rapper away as he had to fight his urge against punching him in frustration.

 

    “Or are you this desperate that you will cling onto anyone?” Felix let out a pained cry as he ripped himself away from Jisung, the boy gripping him a little bit too hard, leaving marks on his wrists.

 

    “Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!” He could feel his head pounding as his knees shook, barely keeping him up from sinking onto the ground. Maybe that two hours of sleep schedule really wasn’t his smartest idea?

 

    Changbin stared at the other with furrowed eyebrows, not wanting to back down, his thoughts swimming all over the place. Did he miss something? Why was Felix reacting like this?

 

    “I can’t deal with you at this point, sort yourself out and then come and apologize.” With that being said, Minho maneuvered around everyone else and grabbed onto Felix’s wrist as gently as he could, tugging him to walk with him, a few pairs of eyes leaving a burning feeling at the back of his head.

 

    Felix didn’t even notice that they had moved to a room as he was sat on the bottom bunk of Minho’s bed, the other boy kneeling in front of him and tilting his head so that he would be facing him.

 

    “Lixie, are you okay? Don’t listen to that idiot, I swear he needs some therapy or to get laid or something.” Felix could only shake his head in disbelief as he starred at the boy in front of him. The loud yelling and shouts coming from the living room didn’t help his racing heart.

 

    Minho noticed the other’s pale and freaked out expression, his thumb rubbing against the boy’s left cheek, thumbing over the now faint pink lines still sitting prominently against his flesh.

 

    “Oh Lixie, I’m so sorry.” The Australian didn’t know what the other was apologizing for. Was it for the fucked up way the universe decided to tell him that he in fact did have a soul mate? Or was he apologizing because he knew that Felix didn’t deserve Chan? Not after everything that had happened?

 

    “Come here baby.” Minho opened his arms up widely and Felix smiled at the other bitterly, tears already clinging onto his eyelashes as he fell into the other’s chest, burying his face into his shirt snuggly.

 

    Woojin’s hugs were the warmest, but Minho had always managed to give him that sense of security whenever he had his arms around him. Maybe it was the link between the two because of their elimination. Or maybe something just grew after all those nights spent in the practice room, just the two of them dancing until their bodies laid pliant against the ground, the two of them smiling at each other dumbly.

 

    Whatever it was, Felix felt a little bit more at home whenever Minho had him in his arms. He felt a little bit like he did when he was nine years old and in Australia, his father taking him and his sisters to camp and watch the stars. Oh how he had missed the stars he could see while laying on the sand in his hometown at 2am. Now 2am’s were reserved for sneakily coming back to the dorms and trying not to wake anyone up.

 

    “If you are going to believe what that idiot said then I will have to keep you in my arms until you will be forced to admit that he is wrong.” An unintelligent grumble left the younger boy’s parted lips as he tried to burry himself deeper into the other’s chest, stealing his warmth, feeling it all over his flesh.

 

    “Speak a little bit louder Lixie, or I will actually have to beat him up.”

 

    “With those arms? No thanks.” Minho squeezed the other a little bit tighter, fighting back the smile that was threatening to make its way over his features. If there was one thing he hated the most, it was when his members cried. Well, when Jisung, Felix and Jeongin cried. The others can deal with it themselves. So make it three things.

 

    “Watch me.” Felix snuggled into the other as the two of them didn’t bother to move up and sit on the bed, Minho’s muscles aching from all the practices and the hard floor, but if it meant that the other was going to be happy, Minho was going to attempt falling asleep on the hard floor too.

 

    “What about Sungie?”

 

    “What about me?” Both Minho and Felix whipped their heads to stare at Jisung with wide eyes as the boy stood near the doors, smiling at the two of them softly.

 

    “Sungie, it’s not what you think, I swear.” And the barely older boy frowned at the Australian, his eyes shining in disappointment, the freckled boy taking it the wrong way, thinking that he was in fact disappointed because Minho was hugging him.

 

    “Lixie, you think I believed whatever Changbin was saying? I know you, you aren’t like that. We spent hours talking about soul mates, someone who talks about love and soul mates the way you do would never do that.”

 

    The Australian’s eyes softened as he watched Jisung cross the room, falling to his knees in front of the other two, wrapping his arms around them without saying anything else.

 

    Beautiful bronze bloomed over Jisung’s forearm as Minho’s fingers brushed against his skin, his mark shinning brightly, leaving pretty sparkles on the dancer’s fingers for a few seconds.

 

    Felix couldn’t help and smile as he watched the bronze against his friend’s skin, his fingers brushing against the now dulling mark as Minho retracked his hand, fearing that it was going to trigger the upset boy.

 

    “I love you two so much, you know that right?” Jisung let out a loud shriek as he threw himself on top of the other, Minho barely managing to catch the two boys as they landed on the ground, a painful wheeze leaving his parted lips.

 

    “If Minho wasn’t my soul mate and I wasn’t in love with his ass I would kiss you right now.” Felix let out a soft giggle as he felt the dancer moving against him, craning his neck so that he would be able to look at his soul mate, Jisung already looking at him with a shit eating grin.

 

    “Listen, is my ass the only thing you love about me?”

 

    “That and your stupid smile, but go off I guess.” Minho let out a gasp, faking a hurt expression as he made Felix snuggle into him, Jisung whining that his own soul mate loved Felix more than he loved him.

 

    “Oh God, I really do love you both.” He was tugged back into Jisung’s chest, his arms wrapping around his waist as soft cheeks pressed into his neck, Minho smiling at the two younger boys with love shining through his eyes, honey pouring out of them.

 

    “My two adorable boys, where would I be without you?”

 

    “Probably still a backup dancer for BTS.”

 

    “I, wow. My own boyfriend?” Jisung let out an evil laugh as he pressed his nose into Felix’s hair, the freckled boy letting out an ugly laugh as for a second his mind was taken to a calmer place, Minho’s fingers ghosting over his back in a comforting way.

 

    “This is adorable and all that, but can I talk to Lixie for a few moments?” Felix snuggled into Jisung, knowing that Hyunjin didn’t need to be invited to join them, he knew that he was always welcomed around him.

 

    Minho gave the other dancer a questioning look but Hyunjin only had eyes for Felix, a soft smile gracing his features as he couldn’t help but coo at the three boys cuddling.

 

    “Come on Lixie, let’s leave these sickening fools alone.” Hyunjin practically had to fight his way through Jisung to get to Felix as Minho watched the three of them with an amused and adoring glint in his eyes. Oh how he loved his boys.

 

    Felix clung onto the tall dancer as he was carried out of the room and into another one, Hyunjin closing the doors behind the two of them.

 

    With arms wrapped around his waist and a chin nestled into the junction between his shoulder and neck, Felix felt like nothing bad could ever happen to him again.

 

    “So, talk?” Hyunjin snuggled into the other, tightening his hold onto him, letting out a content sigh, making Felix giggle as warm breath brushed up against his neck.

 

    Hyunjin couldn’t hurt him.

 

    “Later, let’s just cuddle and sleep for now.”

 

    He could never hurt him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you feel my love for Minho and Jisung? I love them. I needed a bit of a break from angst so here you go fam, hope you enjoyed? The next update should be around Monday? I have actually started really enjoying writing, so I might spend more time doing that?


	9. He's got to hide his love away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan stood in the middle of the entrance, his phone with a now broken screen on the ground, tears streaming down his face freely.
> 
> Felix knew that he should have trusted his gut feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My birthday is in less than two hours, have an actual 3.8k update, wow look at me being productive?  
> TW: Non consensual touching, again, and a hint at purposely not eating?  
> I swear I tried to stick to my original plan of how this story goes but I took a trip to fuckthisshitville and ended up winging it again.

                Waking up to being wrapped up in Hyunjin’s warm arms should have been a blessing. And it was. Felix snuggled back into the boy, listening to the soft breathing hitting the shell of his ear, a small smile played against his features.

 

                The two of them had decided to take a nap while snuggling into the warm blanket that once belonged to Woojin, but the older boy gave it to Hyunjin when he had said that it reminded him of the warmth his mother would provide him with when she hugged him.

 

                Felix had both dreaded and anticipated the talk with the other boy. He knew that Hyunjin was going to ask some uncomfortable questions, but if they had to be asked, then he’d rather it was either the mentioned boy or Chan. And given his current situation with Chan, the dancer was the safer option.

 

                And the freckled boy felt blessed as he woke up wrapped up in the other’s arms, that was until he turned his head in front of him and was met with Changbin’s unreadable expression. How long has he been here? And how much was he going to regret ever listening to Hyunjin?

 

                He could almost feel the other’s glare seeping into his skin, through his flesh and muscles and settling in the middle of his bones. The itch turned to a burning, making him press back into Hyunjin unconsciously, Changbin noticing that and grimacing at his movements.

 

                “Hyung?” The rapper almost flinched into himself as the Australian’s voice trembled and made him sound so small, so unsure of himself and Changbin.

 

                “I’m only here to wake the two of you up, dinner’s ready and Woojin said he will burn my headphones if you don’t come and eat.” With that being said Changbin turned around and practically ran out of the room, pretending not to notice the way Felix’s shoulders relaxed when he knew that he didn’t have to talk to the other anymore.

 

                With a clenched fist the rapper turned on his way to walk to the kitchen, ignoring the glare Minho had directed at him and the worried eyes of Jeongin following his movements.

 

                “Are they coming down?”

 

                “Felix woke up so I told him to come eat dinner or else my headphones will suffer and we all know that you will actually cut their wires.” Woojin shrugged his shoulders as he continued on putting the fried rice and beef onto separate plates, showing Seungmin away playfully when he tried to sneak some food out of it.

 

                “Away pup, these are for Hyunjinie and Lixie, you have your own plate of food.” Seungmin grumbled under his nose and he pressed a kiss onto the older’s cheek, dodging Jeongin almost barreling into him as he let out a loud yodel at the affectionate display between his two hyungs.

 

                “One day you will find your own boyfriend and then we will see who will be disgusted.” Jeongin fake gagged at that and shook his head at Minho, his eyes narrowed into tiny slits as he tried to look intimating.

 

                “Not if I join a monastery and declare celibacy because Jesus Christ is the only man I will ever love.”

 

                “Innie, you’ll still love a man.” Jeongin stared at Minho for a few seconds, Seungmin’s giggles being heard from the other side of the kitchen.

 

                “If loving Jesus means I’m gay, so be it.”

 

                “Are we going to see Lixie and Innie battling it out who loves Jesus more? Because I’m not sure I want to be here for that?” Jisung dodged a spatula as he talked with his mouth full, Minho cringing back in disgust from his boyfriend.

 

                Hyunjin groaned and tried to turn away from the fingers gently probing his cheek to wake him up. With his arms still wrapped around the boy in front of him, he ended up simply turning onto his back, dragging Felix to lay on top of him. The Australian managed to brace himself on his elbows as to not crush the other under his weight.

 

                “Lixie let’s sleep a little bit more?” And the Australian had to fight back the smile that was threatening to make it’s way across his features. Hyunjin with his flushed skin because of sleeping and eyes half open was a sight that was about to give him either a heart attack or make him do something he was going to regret. And Felix have had enough regretful moments to want to avoid having new moments for at least one day.

 

                “Binnie hyung said that we have to go down to eat dinner.” The older male frowned at the other as he noticed the way Felix’s voice made him sound so small, almost like he was trying to cover into himself, to make himself look smaller than he already was.

 

                “Don’t you dare call him Binnie until he actually apologizes. He was a dick and he needs to own up to his mistakes.” The freckled boy tried to fight back his blush as Hyunjin pressed one of his hands onto his cheeks, covering up his freckles, making his skin heat up.

 

                The boy had to fight back against the urge to close his eyes shut as the pleasurable burn licked at his chest and lungs, begging his own fingers to dance against Hyunjin’s fair skin. He could only stare down at the other as the dancer’s eyes flied all over his face, mapping out his features and smiling at him softly.

 

                “Hyunjinie, don’t talk about your soul mate like that.” Felix almost cringed away as the other glared at him halfheartedly. He also would have fallen out of the bed as he unconsciously tried to roll away from him, but Hyunjin’s arm still wrapped around him kept him safe and pressed up against him snugly.

 

                “Soulmate or not, he was a dick and I love you too much to let him hurt you.” Felix was about to protest but Hyunjin lifted his head up to close the distance between the two of them. His eyes widened as soft lips pressed up against his other cheek, lingering against the burning flesh a little bit too long to be anything but romantic.

 

                “You are so pretty when you blush.” Felix could only press his face into the other’s neck as he tried to hide his glowing skin, Hyunjin letting out soft giggles at the other’s reaction, his fingers stroking the other’s hair gently.

 

                “Okay but we should go down before Woojin comes here to look for us himself. If that happens we blame Changbin.” Felix let out a lout yelp as he was showed away from Hyunjin, barely catching himself before he fell onto the ground. He had a few seconds of staring at the soft sheets of the bed before a pair of arms wrapped themselves up around his knees and his back, lifting him up effortlessly.

 

                “Let me down you overgrown tree.” Hyunjin only laughed at that and shook his head, pressing Felix up into him as much as he could as he maneuvered the two of them downstairs. The Australian grumbled under his breath about being too heavy to be lifted up and the other actually scoffed as he managed to hear it.

 

                “I could carry you all the way to the JYP building and I still wouldn’t be tired.”

 

                “Who’s carrying who to the JYP building?” Hyunjin and Felix whipped their heads around as they noticed that they were already in the kitchen, Chan’s voice sending chills down both boys’ backs.

 

                “Don’t worry hyung, I won’t steal your soul mate away from you.” Hyunjin sang out and then bit down onto his tongue, feeling the way the boy in his arms tensed up and seeing the way their leader actually looked down at the table, letting out a soft hiss at the innocent jab.

 

                “Let’s just eat dinner okay?” Hyunjin looked at the oldest occupant of the room in gratitude as he avoided looking at both Chan and Changbin, planting Felix down on a chair to Jisung’s right and Minho’s left. He tried to send the Australian an apologetic look but all he was awarded with was a bittersweet smile from Felix.

 

                The freckled boy avoided looking at Chan who he knew was staring at him not so secretly. He could feel a few more pairs of eyes on him and he could bet on his lines that either Woojin or Minho were looking at him. The two had unofficially proclaimed themselves as his parents when the boy had entered the practice room for the first time.

 

                “Put those chopsticks down or stop threatening to stab Innie with them.”

 

                “Hyung you are supposed to be on my side! You are my boyfriend!”

 

                ”Not when you threaten our maknae I’m not. If it would be Changbin I’d let it go.” A loud yodel was heard from Jisung as he tried to keep his laughter in, Seungmin letting out a loud wrong victim I guess as Changbin only flipped the other off, continuing to eat while secretly watching Felix not eating at all, just playing with his food.

 

                Chan was staring at the side profile of his soul mate, his eyes covered with liquid regret as he tried to hold in the tears threatening to spill over his cheeks. He noticed everything wrong and how he had wished that he would have been able to help the other out a little bit more. But now that the boy didn’t even want to look in his direction, Chan could only pray that Hyunjin would do a good enough job at not fucking up.

 

                The leader had to bite down onto his bottom lip as he noticed the way Felix’s shoulders tensed up when Jisung accidentally brushed his hand against his thigh, the movement making him frown softly. He took notice of the three spoonfulls of fried rice the Australian had taken into his mouth before he started playing with his food again.

 

                “Hyung, I think I forgot my phone in the practice room, I’ll be back in an hour or so?” Woojin grimaced at the young dancer as he too took notice of the fact that he had barely eaten anything from the plate he had prepared. He shared a concerned look with Chan as the leader nodded his head at him with a bitter expression painted all over his features.

 

                “Okay, but you’ll eat the leftovers when you will come back.” And the stubborn tone Woojin had used on him made Felix almost flinch in response. He knew that he was going to puke if he was going to have to swallow another mouthful of the rice. Be it naturally or by force.

 

                He could feel pairs of eyes burning holes into his backside as he put the plate into the sink after putting the barely touched food back in the pan.

 

                “Do you need me to go with you Lixie?” On any other given day Felix would have been overjoyed by Seungmin’s offer, almost never being able to say no to the younger boy, but his gut feeling was screaming at him to get out of the dorms.

 

                His gut feeling only intensified as his eyes met Changbin’s for a few seconds before he averted them to look at Seungmin again.

 

                “It’s okay Minnie, I won’t take too long, I’ll just take my phone and that’s it.”

 

                “Are you sure?” Felix could feel his heart sinking to the pits of his stomach as he turned around and made his way over to the doors so that he could put on his shoes as fast he can before anyone stopped him.

 

                “Yes.” He couldn’t even turn around and face the other Australian as he spat out the simple word at him. Looking at Chan, even thinking about him and about what they could actually be hurt him, both physically and mentally. The moment he closed his eyes all the could think about was how would it feel to have Chan wrapping his arms around him to comfort him, how it would feel like to have him call him pretty again. And then Felix would hiss at himself, at how stupid he was, tugging at the stray locks of his hair.

 

                He took the first jacket he saw as he put on his worn out dock martens, running out of the dorms before shouting at the others that he was leaving, Woojin’s worried stay safe barely reaching his ears as he let the doors slam shut behind him.

 

                Felix could only let out a joyful laugh as he praised his forgetful self for the first time. If he hadn’t have actually left his phone in the practice room he would have probably stuttered back in the kitchen.

 

                He could still see Seungmin’s ugly orange socks peaking from the top of his shoes, glaring at him as he felt guilty for shooting down the other’s offer to go with him.

 

                He snuggled into the jacket as the chilly wind kissed his cheeks, making them blush a pretty rose, the skin tingling at the chill.

 

                People rushed all around him, rushing home to loving families and warmth. Felix observed a woman who had a beautiful icy blue cross like mark on the side of her neck as her one hand was holding onto a small child and the other was wrapped around a man’s elbow. And a soft bittersweet smile made its place on his lips, knowing that he was probably never going to have anything like this with Chan.

 

                The boy bowed to the security guard he had passed as he flew up the stairs, knowing that the elevator was going to only make him more anxious.

 

                He had tried to duck into the first room he saw as he recognized the now familiar features of their new manager. His arms shaking as he shut the doors closed behind himself, lips trembling and mind going blank for a few seconds before he heard those familiar footsteps right outside of the room.

 

                “I know you are in there angel.” The boy’s body shook as he pressed himself into the wall right next to the doors, thanking for the automatic locks that were installed in some of the rooms.

 

                “I have a little something that belongs to you.” And dread filled up his body as he felt like emptying the contents of his stomach. Those three spoonfuls of fried rice not sitting well anymore, making him let out a soft whimper.

 

                “Wouldn’t want everyone to know that you are being disrespectful to you manager, right angel?” Felix let out another soft cry as he knew that he couldn’t just hide away all day, his flesh already burning at the memory of the other’s hands all over him.

 

                “Wouldn’t want people to talk bad about your group now, would we?”

 

                With his heart heavy and his lungs feeling like they were full of water, the boy turned the handle of the doors, not daring to look at the other man as he stepped inside of the room.

 

                “That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Felix bit down onto his bottom lip, flinching away as an unwelcome hand crawled its way from his side to the top of his thigh, making him gag and turn his head to the side, too afraid of the reaction of the other man.

 

                “When I talk to you you better look me in the eyes angel.” Felix fought back the whimper that was threatening to leave his swollen and bitten until they were raw lips.

 

                The boy let out a loud yelp as his face was jerked to the side and up by rough fingers gripping his chin a little bit too tightly. His eyes watered as he could only stare at the man helplessly, his arms too heavy from the lack of sleep, his body aching all over from all the practices and hours he should have spent inside his bed, in Hyunjin’s arms, sleeping.

 

                A loud gasp echoed through the room as a smack left him stunned and with his head turned to the side, his cheek bright red from the force put on it. The stinging that was left behind made the once unshed tears glide down his cheeks, a silent sob leaving his parted lips.

 

                “Now look what you made me do. If only you would have listened.” He could feel those cold fingers pressing up into his arms cruelly as his nose was hit with the foul smell of the other’s mouth. Rough lips brushed up against his forehead in a mockingly soft way, the manager whispering soft praises that only made the boy want to curl up into himself and disappear.

 

                His head jerked backwards as he felt the other pressing into his lips, letting out a soft cry of help as the fingers dug into his hips, leaving a burning path where they went. The back of his head hit the wall and for a second he could only see white flashing before him before he heard the telltale sound of the handle of the doors turning, only to be met with cursing from the person behind the doors because they were locked.

 

                “Felix, are you in there?” The Australian could only widen his eyes and let out a soft whine of help as the manager pressed his palm up against his mouth to drown out any sound he wanted to make.

 

                “Listen, I just wanted to make sure that you are okay? I couldn’t let you walk to here alone.”

 

                Felix met the manager’s eyes for the briefest moment before he slammed his palm against the wall, praying that the other had heard him, heard the sound and wouldn’t leave him alone.

 

                “I know you are mad at me, I would be too, but please don’t lock yourself up. I know you are in there.” The manager let out a silent curse as he realized that the other wasn’t going to leave without Felix, glaring down at the covering boy in front of him.

 

                “If you tell him anything about what happened I will make sure that your group suffers. Seungminie and Jeonginie sure are pretty, don’t you think?” The Australian gagged at the thought of the vile man going for anyone else and he nodded his head frantically.

 

                “Good boy.” The manager stroked the boy’s abused cheek, cooing at the way he curled up into himself as he went to the doors. He gave him one more glance before opening the doors. This was way too easy.

 

                “Hello Changbin, I was just giving Felix back his phone, found it in the practice room.” The rapper looked at the manager with narrowed eyes for a few seconds before he turned his head to look at Felix who was standing near a wall, staring blankly in front of himself while his right hand was clutching his phone tightly.

 

                He let the manager slip past him as his brains were screaming at him to run away, that something was wrong, so wrong that he couldn’t fix it.

 

                With shaky legs, the older boy made his way over to Felix, debating if he shouldn’t just run away. Running away felt like the only thing he could do when it came to the pretty boy in front of him. He stared at the other’s freckles for a few seconds, his heart sinking even lower as he noticed the lack of the glow.

 

                Trembling fingers brushed up against the marks, making the Australian boy snap his eyes to look at the other, his mind swimming all over the place.

 

                “Binnie hyung?”

 

                “I don’t hate you I swear I don’t hate you, I could never feel anything else but love to you.” Felix could feel the other’s fingers softening out the frown marks on his forehead, his head spinning in confusion and fear.

 

                “Then why do you look at me like me being eliminated should have stayed that way?” The dancer didn’t know where he got the strength to even look at the other, more so talk to him. And it looked like Changbin was surprised at the question too, at least from the way his lips formed incoherent words as he tried to work his thoughts out.

 

                A forehead pressed up against his own as Changbin closed his eyes shut, taking in a deep breath, unconsciously breathing in Felix’s earthy scent.

 

                “Felix, Lixie, my sweet little Lixie. I could never hate you. How could I when I love you?” The boy reeled backwards as his jaw almost hit the floor, forcing out a few mumbles before he finally found his voice, the other staring at him with hopeful eyes. Only to have that hope die on him.

 

                “Hyung, what the fuck? You literally called me a whore not even a day ago?” Changbin winced at that as if he was burned and stroked the other’s cheek gently, making Felix try to dodge his touches.

 

                “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t mean any of it.” Felix could feel his heart slamming against his rib-cage and his tongue sticking to the back of his roof.

 

                “How could I tell you that I love you when all you ever hoped for was a soul mate to love? It hurt so much to listen to you talk about how perfect Minho and Jisung are for each other. Or how you love the way Woojin’s mark is a literal heart and that it glows when Seungmin touches it.” Felix could only open his mouth as tears clung onto his eyelashes, the world spinning around him, slipping right from under him.

 

                “How Hyunjin is so perfect for me. I had to listen to you talk about me and Hyunjin when all I want is to have your mark on me.”

 

                A pair of soft lips pressed up into his, making Felix freeze up once again as Changbin mumbled into his mouth.

 

                “How I don’t have your mark but Hyunjin does.”

 

                Felix could almost hear his heart breaking as the words hit him, as a phone clattered onto the ground. A soft Lixie melted into the air as both boys whipped their heads around, only to be met with the wide and tearful eyes of their leader.

 

                Chan stood in the middle of the entrance, his phone with a now broken screen on the ground, tears streaming down his face freely.

 

                Felix knew that he should have trusted his gut feeling.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I broke three hearts and I'm about to break more. I feel like my style is more into describing what happens rather than dialogue, but I'm trying to mix it up too? Get ready for a lot of crying and sadness in the next update.


	10. Don't go away mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am, a shithead. Enjoy this very not angst chapter? Let me clear things up a bit, Changbin and Hyunjin are soul mates, so are Hyunjin and Felix, but not all soul mates are romantic, you know what I mean? There are platonic soul mates too. People can have two soul mates, it's just rare.

                The silence in the dorms had freaked Felix out so much that he contemplated turning around and bolting out of the room, out of the dorms and the building. Anywhere where there would be loud voices that could drown out the dark thoughts clouding up his mind.

 

                He glanced around himself for a quick second, taking notice of the way Jeongin was pushing the food around his plate, the corners of his lips pulling downwards. The maknae would usually be the first one to start eating, followed by either Jisung or Felix, but the three of them were sitting silently.

 

                He could feel his throat closing up on him, his lungs about to give out as he tried to breath as silently as possible as to not disturb the others. His hyungs were all sitting around the table silently, Felix knowing that he was going to have to talk to someone at some point.

 

                When he came back home last night, he had managed to sneak into his shared room without disturbing anyone except Woojin. The older boy simply asked him if he was alright, and when the freckled boy simply stared at him, the vocalist just opened his arms up widely for the other to fall into them and snuggled him closely.

 

                Felix woke up cold because Woojin had went to start preparing breakfast, feeling a little bit weird that he hadn’t slept in his own bed for almost a week. It was a given that when there are eight other boys in the apartment and five of them, him included, loved giving cuddles, he was going to be sleeping wrapped around someone else every night.

 

                He could feel a pair of eyes on him as he laid on his back, his skin tingling uncomfortably, an itch running through his veins. His neck was cramping up but he was too afraid to stretch out fully, too afraid to tilt his head to the side.

 

                “Lixie?” The called boy flinched into the covers of the bed and curled into himself, his heart skipping a few beats. With an aching head and raw bitten lips the boy shook his head in response.

 

                “Please Lixie.” The normally gravely and rough voice sounded so beaten and soft at that point, almost like he was too afraid to break the boy even more.

 

                “You can be mad at me, I get it, I really do. But please don’t think that I hurt you on purpose. I really didn’t want to. I thought I was going to be able to keep my feeling to myself.” Changbin’s voice traveled through the room, only Felix’s shallow breathing being heard afterwards, the two boys staying silent for a few minutes.

 

                Changbin had to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill down his cheeks. He knew that he didn’t deserve any sympathy. Not after everything that he has done. Not after how he had treated Felix and not after betraying Hyunjin like that.

 

                His fingers clutched the side of his head as he stared at the boy still laying in Woojin’s bed, his heart sinking low and his right leg shaking from the anxiety. He had woken up to the two being close and snuggling, and he almost wanted to rip Woojin away from the younger, but he knew that he had no actual right to do that.

 

                “You knew about Hyunjin and probably about Chan too. You knew that I had not one but too soul mates and you went and kept it away from me.” Changbin cringed at that, knowing that he had hurt the boy by keeping silent, by always taking jabs at his insecurities because he had to keep everything a secret until Chan and Hyunjin were going to be brave enough to confess.

 

                “I’m sorry, I really am.” The freckled boy scoffed at that, finally facing the older boy fully, noticing the flushed cheeks and the glistening eyes, almost feeling bad for making the other so emotional, but also a part of him whispered in his brains cruelly.

_Let him suffer. He let you suffer for so long, let him eat his own medicine. Do it._

 

                “Does Hyunjin know?”

 

                “About me kissing you? Or about me having feelings for you?” Felix hissed at the questions, his brains running a mile a second, too fast for him to catch up. He was still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Changbin didn’t really hate him, quite opposite actually. And a part of him screamed at him that the older boy was just pitying him, pitying him for the fact that his own soul mates probably didn’t tell him in the start because they themselves didn’t want him.

 

                “Is there a difference?”

 

                “He doesn’t know about the kiss, but I think he has a hunch that I like you.” Felix nodded at that, finally sitting up in the bed and swinging his legs over the edge, watching Changbin’s movements as the other boy leaned a little bit closer to look at him. He took notice of the puffed from sleeping cheeks that the boy sported and that his eyes were a little bit red and swollen.

 

                Felix turned his head away as he stood up and stumbled over to the wardrobe, ignoring Changbin’s whisper of his name as he almost crawled to the bathroom.

 

                And that’s how the boy found himself sitting in between of a silent Chan and Seungmin, Woojin being persistent that he sit near his soul mate, and Felix had to fight back the urge to ask which one? But he knew that the last thing they all needed was a new fight to break out.

 

                “Innie stop playing with your food.” The maknae scoffed at that and stabbed the steamed vegetable with his chopsticks, wiggling the offending piece around a bit before he settled it down back onto the plate.

 

                “I’ll eat when Lixie hyung eats.” The freckled boy’s head snapped to the side, Chan letting out a soft please be careful as he almost slid out of the chair by accident. He could feel the leader’s hand ghosting over his elbow to keep him steady and he almost sighed at the feel of the other’s skin against him.

 

                “Eat, Lixie hyung.” The boy stared down the maknae, but Jeongin was not backing down, staring back just as stubbornly.

 

                “You little brat.” Felix let a soft smile travel across his features as the younger boy stuck his tongue out at him in a mocking way, the two of them picking their chopstick up in unison.

 

                “Right back at you hyung.”

 

                “If anyone’s a brat, it’s Jisung.” A loud shriek traveled through the kitchen as Felix could feel Chan’s palm now resting against his back, him leaning forward the slightest bit so that the older Australian wouldn’t be crushing his hand between him and the backrest of the chair.

 

                “Minho you are supposed to be my boyfriend, what is wrong with you?”

 

                “Maybe if you weren’t so annoying I wouldn’t have to call you out all the time. You are like a cringy fifteen year old white boy stuck in a body of a Korean.”

 

                Felix shook his head at that, watching the maknae watch him as the two of them slowly chewed on the food. He knew what the other was doing. He knew that his lack of eating was going to be noticed by someone other than Woojin and Seungmin. But the problem was that his stomach had been too full since last night, churning simply at the idea of eating anything else but air and the few pieces of fruit he had been fed by Woojin right before eating breakfast.

 

                The boy pushed the plate away from him, cringing in regret as it scrapped against the wooden surface of the table, making everyone turn their heads to look at the now guilty looking boy.

 

                “Hyung I think I’m full, I’m gonna go wash up before we have to leave.” He noticed that Minho had opened his lips to say something but Felix didn’t stay long enough to hear what it was. He dumped his plate into the sink and basically bolted out of the kitchen, stopping as he reached the bathroom and pressed his head against the doors of it.

 

                “Lixie, what’s wrong?” He could feel his body starting to shake in response as those arms pressed up into him, rubbing against his stiff back, making him want to become one with the doors so that he could disappear.

 

                He had been doing so well, ignoring Hyunjin since he came back home. His cheeks tingled again and now he knew that it was his mark. He let out a few curse words as the other’s hand worked down to his lower back, pressing against the muscles as if he was trying to ease the tension away.

 

                “Why didn’t you tell me?” He could almost physically feel the other flinching at his cold tone, being surprised himself that he managed to hold his emotions in quite well. His heart was threatening to jump out of his throat and right into the hands of one of his other halves.

 

                “Why did you have to hide it away? You were there when I talked about meeting my soul mate and you stayed silent.” Felix fought back the traitorous tears that were about to spill over, feeling Hyunjin’s hand starting to shake against him.

 

                “I was afraid. I didn’t know how to deal with having two soul mates so I tried to pretend like I only had Changbin.” Felix let out a now loud curse as he found the strength to turn around and glare at the taller boy. He almost stopped in his actions as he saw how small Hyunjin looked. How he was covering into himself and not looking him in the eyes.

 

                “Yeah, well how do you think I felt when I thought that I didn’t have even one soul mate?” Hyunjin let out a painful whimper at that, backing away from the freckled boy. Felix almost wanted to go after him as the dancer backed away until he was out of his sight, probably going to Changbin, and the boy curled his fingers around his wrist as his hand started to shake.

 

                He couldn’t do anything else but hurt his soul mates no matter what.

_You should be thankful that you even have a soul mate and they even take the time to talk to you. And here you are, making them cry. No wonder they didn’t want to tell you._

He banged his head back and into the doors, groaning as he saw Chan peering from behind the wall to look at him with worried and guilty eyes.

 

                The Australian knew that he couldn’t ignore Chan and Hyunjin forever, but a part of him was angry at the dancer for the fact that he found out about this from Changbin and not even him.

 

                His eyes darted to the side as the older boy stepped out from behind the wall and closer to him, stopping just a mere foot away from him. He could almost feel his warmth melting into him, hugging him, lulling him into a sense of security.

 

                “Minho was going to say that the practice was canceled today before you ran out of the kitchen.” Felix nodded his head at that after a few seconds, his eyes focused on the other’s neck, taking in the pretty silver it was wrapped in. How had he not noticed this before?

 

                Chan had barely enough time to catch the other as Felix swayed to the side, wrapping his arms around the other to make him lean against him.

 

                “Okay you are not going to do anything else but sleep and eat today.”

 

                Felix shook his head in response, feeling the exhaustion clouding over his brains, but his eyes tried to stay open as he tilted his head to look at the other. His heart skipped a beat as he met the other’s eyes. He had only seen the other look at his family in that soft way before, not even at the other members.

 

                “Come on Lixie, let’s get you to bed so you can try to take a nap.” The freckled boy whined against the other as Chan lifted him up in his arms as if he weighted nothing, not noticing Hyunjin and Changbin hugging in the hallway, both boys having their eyes focused on the two Australians.

 

                He could feel the softness of the mattress against his back, arms that were wrapped around him merely seconds ago leaving his body, leaving him cold and wanting.

 

                Chan let out an embarrassing yelp as he felt a soft tug against his wrist, making him turn back around to look at the other with a gentle yet surprised smile.

 

                “Do you need anything? Water? Are you cold?” Felix simply shook his head that the silly questions, outstretching his heavy arms towards the other, curling his fingers at him in an inviting manner.

 

                “Stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna be including loads of Chan, Hyunjin and Changbin from now on and will probably focus a bit more on the other two ships than I did before, plus Jeongin+happiness. I'm a bit disappointed in this update, but I'm also not that disappointed? It's a filler chapter again, feelings and all that you know?


	11. The district sleeps alone tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wherein Chan notices and Felix wants to run away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back from hell with a shitty update that I wrote at 3am instead of sleeping and never bothered to edit. Cringe away at my mistakes. I have included quite a bit of fluff in here. What happened to me?

Waking up to warm arms being wrapped around him definitely wasn’t something the freckled boy wasn’t used to. Out of seven days he would usually wake up to someone snuggling up to him for at least four or five mornings, and usually it would either be Hyunjin or Seungmin.

  
But what the boy was not used to, was to waking up to his cheeks tingling pleasurably and the itch gone away, not in his toes and definitely nowhere on his arms.

  
The strong arms wrapped around him pulled him back into an equally strong chest and the Australian couldn’t help but to snuggle back, his eyes still clenched shut tightly and fingers unconsciously pressing into the heated skin over the wrist of the koala clinging onto him.

  
As the boy snuggled back, he was met with a soft giggle, warming his already heated insides up, making his heart want to jump out of his throat.

  
“Hey Lixie.” The still sleep affected voice of Chan made Felix’s cheeks tingle even more, dusting over with a soft and pretty rose, his lips curling up into a tired but somewhat relaxed smile.

  
He leaned his head backwards until it was pressed into the side of the other’s neck, feeling the other gulp down as arms tensed up around him. The boy cracked one of his eyes open as he turned his head to the side, trying to look at the other.

  
“Chan?” He could feel more than see the older Australian letting out a relieved sigh, the arms around him relaxing noticeably, yet still holding onto him tightly as if he could disappear at any given moment.

  
“You can’t imagine how happy I am that you didn’t call me Chris.” Felix was met with an overly soft smile, it made him almost melt into the other, his brains still not capable to comprehend the fact that he was actually with his soul mate, that Chan, sweet and gentle, sometimes too excitable and energized Chan, was his soul mate.

  
“I was just shocked, I believed for so long that I have no soul mate, and it turns out that I have two?” The older boy had to fight back to not flinch at the words that cut him deep, trying to hold the frown back from showing up on his face.

  
“I’m really sorry Lixie, I didn’t mean to hurt you even more. I knew how stressed you were and you would have been even more stressed if you would have known that I’m your soul mate and you might not be mine.” Felix could feel the other’s guilt and desperation to be understood basically rolling off of him in waves, melting into his skin, his veins and blood until it settled into his heart.

  
“I can still call you Lixie, right?” And Chan sounded so unsure that Felix fought back the urge to whimper, the natural call of protecting your soul mate calling at him to hug the other close to him. And that’s exactly what the boy did, he struggled against Chan to turn around in his hold so that they would be facing each other, arms wrapping around the older Australian cautiously.

  
“You can call me Lixie, Chanie, I don’t mind.” The older boy smiled down at him gently, his eyes crinkling up into soft crescent moons as he rubbing his palms over Felix’s lower back, fingers massaging the muscles and kinks out.

  
“Okay, while I’m happy that you too are making progress and are cuddly, lunch is ready and I’d like it if Felix ate.” Minho’s voice surprised the two distracted boys, the dancer wincing as he could hear Felix’s neck crack at the speed and force of his head turning. Chan had a blank expression adorning his features, plump lips pulled into a straight line that made him look odd. Felix always thought that a smile showing off gorgeous dimples always fit their leader the most.

  
“Wait, are you implying that you don’t want me to eat? Stop playing favorites.” Felix had to fight back the giggle bubbling up in his throat, fingers dancing against Chan’s elbow in order to calm him down.

  
“You can come eat too I guess.” Chan let out a few grumbles as Felix struggled against him to get out of his hold, sleep still clouding the boy’s mind as he tugged the older one up by his elbow, almost making him fall.

  
While Felix’s stomach churned and turned in guilt at the thought of another mouthful of rice, he knew that he needed to keep the others seeing him eat at least something. And if it meant that Chan and Jisung were going to stop giving him those pathetic puppy eyes, then that’s exactly what he was going to do. Even if he had to fight against his body and instincts to run to the bathroom and empty everything out into the toilet. Or the sink. He wasn’t really that picky.

  
“Come on Chan, let’s go eat before Jisung and Jeongin actually gobble everything down because they can and they will.”

  
He could feel the other’s eyes on him as the two of them followed after Minho sleepily, the normal itching in the back of his throat a simple tickle at this point.

  
He could see Seungmin and Woojin guarding two plates of food from Jisung and Jeongin, knowing that the two boys will eat their food if they don’t hurry up.

  
“Finally! I was scared that Innie will actually try to chew my arm off to get to your food.”

  
“Hey! It’s not our fault those two decided to take a long nap and had to be raised from the dead by the grim reaper himself.” Minho let out a loud I swear to God I will break up with you and break your nose at some point.

  
Jisung simply cackled at that and let out a loud how do you like your boyfriend talking back to you now? And Felix simply shook his head at that, a soft smile spread over his features. No matter how much Jisung and Minho teased each other, by the end of the day they were just as much, if not more in love with each other than they were the day before.

  
He pointedly tried to avoid looking at Hyunjin and Changbin, not quite ready to face the two yet. He could barely handle Chan sitting by his side. His soul mate’s warmth seeped into him without actual skin on skin contact. He almost sighed in relief when he felt that familiar touch against his nape, fingers massaging into his skin and muscles, making him un tense his shoulders.

  
He could see Woojin smiling at the two of them from his right when he tilted his head, raising one of his eyebrows in response.

  
He tried to push the food around in his plate, the rice looking as unappealing as it usually did, his stomach dropping in discomfort when he cough the watchful and worried eyes of both their maknae and Seungmin. He mentally cursed himself out for worrying the two young boys.

  
His determination to show the others that he was in fact eating almost came back to bite him in his ass as he fought back the urge to gag. His hand flew up to his mouth and he could feel Chan’s hand tensing up against his nape, not having left since it was placed there.

  
Felix coughed into his hand, praying that at least his acting was good enough to pull it off. And it seemed like it worked on the younger members. But the hand still on his nape was tensed up, making the boy apologize mentally to his soul mate.

  
With four mouthfuls or rice, vegetables and side dishes gulped down and food pushed around his plate, Felix turned his head to the side, waiting for Woojin to notice him, painting a small smile on his face.

  
“Hyung, I’m full, is it okay if I go and practice a bit? I promise I won’t stay for long this time.” Woojin furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, staring at the boy for a few moments, silence swallowing up the whole room before he lifted his gaze to communicate with Chan mentally.

  
“Lixie, I told you that you were only going to sleep and eat today.” The Australian sounded determined to not let the freckled boy out of the dorms, making the young dancer frown for a few seconds before he turned his head to glance at him, the small smile quickly coming back.

  
“But Chanie, I feel rested enough after napping and I like practicing.” Which was only a half lie. Felix did feel more rested than before, even if his body was still aching, and he did like practicing, or rather he liked improving and knowing that he was doing better than he did when it was decided that he was going to be eliminated.

  
“Last time you went to practice for a little bit you ended up being in the practice room for six hours.” The younger boy frowned at that, his eyes not leaving Chan’s as he mentally pleaded for the other to understand his twitching fingers and legs that were begging him to do something, anything.

  
“Then come with me?” Several heads turned to look at him in surprise, the Australian never really willingly inviting anyone to practice with him ever. Chan let out a few splutters as his eyes widened in disbelief.

  
“I just want to practice so come with me if you don’t want me to go alone?” Felix had to ignore the offended gasp that Hyunjin had let out. And he was pretty sure that Changbin was glaring holes into the side of his face. But that wasn’t important at that point. All he wanted was to get out of the dorms and into a practice room.

  
“I, okay, yeah. We can do it like that.” Chan hurriedly stood up, tugging Felix up with him so that the two of them could get ready. The dancer didn’t shy away as he was tugged into the bathroom, the two of them brushing their teeth while avoiding looking at the mirror in fear of catching the other’s eyes.

  
He could feel warm hands hovering over his hip as the two of them made their way to the JYP building, the warmth both making him shudder in pleasure but also making him want to flinch away when it became too hot.

  
His eyes flew to the elevator as they stood by the doors of the practice room on the fourth floor, Chan digging through his pockets for the key he was sure he took.

  
Felix’s fingers twitched in fear as the elevator dinged and the doors parted open, slowly, as if they were in a very predictable d list horror movie.

  
His whole body started trembling in horror as his eyes met the mocking gaze of Seojin, the older man stepping out of the elevator, quickly noticing the two boys by the doors a bit further away from him.

  
“Oh, hey hyung, what are you doing here?” And Felix was ready to curse Chan’s friendly nature out. He was hoping that they would be able to sneak in without the other noticing the manager.

  
“Just came by for some paperwork, that’s all.” His heart slammed against his ribcage painfully as he almost let out a whimper, his elbow jerking as Seojin came closer to the two of them, putting a seemingly innocent hand on his arm as if he was greeting him.

  
Felix tensed up, his other hand flying to Chan’s wrist, squeezing it unconsciously. And the older Australian turned a bit to look down at his soul mate, a frown etched onto his features at the other’s freaked out expression.

  
Felix prayed that Chan was going to let it go as he turned and smiled at Seojin, his cheeks aching from the force he had to put into his smile. He could almost feel the plastic of it on the tip of his tongue.

  
“We are gonna go practice hyung, have a good day.” He literally dragged Chan into the practice room the moment the other had managed to unlock the doors and shut them after them. He could feel fingers rubbing into his shoulder cautiously, a soft and worried voice filling up his ears and mind.

  
“Lixie? Why were you so tensed up just now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chanlix is rising. You can curse at me but don’t ever tell me you are not soft for Chanlix.


	12. Far too young to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan makes a promise that Felix is not sure he will be able to keep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am. Soft? I love Chanlix? Another very short update because I am actually inspired? What has happened to me? An existential crisis? It probably is. Has anyone noticed I use song titles as chapter titles? I have never said I was original.

The silence that followed after almost made Felix regret asking Chan to come with him. Curse his twitching fingers and restless brains.

  
He could feel the older Aussie’s eyes following all of his movements as he tried to steady out his breathing, Chan’s fingers still holding onto his wrist gently, his thumb rubbing against his flesh as if he was trying to calm him down.

  
And the curly haired blonde couldn’t help but to jump to conclusions. Was Felix uncomfortable with other people knowing that he was his soul mate? Was he still angry at him for keeping silent about all of this for so long?

  
His mind ran all over the place, eyebrows furrowing as he recalled the way Felix basically flinched when their new manager came closer to him.

  
And then Chan’s eyes widened the slightest bit, his lips pulling into a straight line as his grip on the other’s wrist tightened noticeably, making Felix snap his head to look at him too in caution, alarm bells ringing through his brains.

  
“Lixie, were you tensed up because of me? Am I making you uncomfortable?” The boy’s voice sounded so soft that Felix had to press his palm against the other’s cheek in order to reassure him that no, it was not Chan, it could never be Chan.

  
His own brows furrowed as he watched his soul mate’s face, confusion and something close to protectiveness running through it freely. His fingers stroked over Chan’s right cheek, marvelling at the softness of it, making him forget about the manager for a few seconds.

  
Maybe if he touched Chan enough then his fingers would forget the feel of being held forcefully by Seojin. Maybe then the urge to scratch his skin raw pink would disappear, it would be changed with the want to glow gold for Chan.

  
The older boy leaned into his touch, letting out a groan of frustration as he peered at the freckled dancer, his lips still pulled into a straight line.

  
“Chanie, I could never be uncomfortable because of you. You’d die before doing anything that would make me tense up.” The leader let out a relieved sigh, closing his eyes for a brief moment, basking in the golden glow of his soul mate.

  
But the silence only lasted a few moments, before Chan’s brains started turning again, overthinking every moment and possibility.

  
“If it’s not me, then what happened?” Felix stayed silent, fighting against the urge to withdraw from the other and to curl up into himself. He could feel stress rolling off of the older boy and he cursed himself out for once again making the other restless.

  
“It’s nothing Chanie, it’s really nothing.” Felix shuddered as images of his back pressed against the wall and the manager all over him entered his brains. If it hadn’t been for Changbin, he’s not sure what would have happened.

  
“Lixie, it’s not nothing. You tensed up as if you were afraid of something.” And the dancer shivered at the memory of Seojin’s hands on his hips, his waist, his thighs, printed so deep into his brains that even if he closed his eyes he could still see it clearly.

  
“Chanie, I, I’m sorry.” And the boy didn’t really know why exactly he was apologizing. Was it for being weak? For not being able to deal with everything himself? For the fact that if it wasn’t him, then Seungmin and Jeongin would suffer his fate? Or was it for the fact that he once again managed to worry his soul mate. Chan had enough worries, and Felix shouldn’t be another problem he had to solve.

  
“Baby, why are you apologizing?” Felix simply shook his head rapidly, willing the gathering tears to go away as he bit down onto his bottom lip, worrying it until it was red and raw.

  
He could feel fingers ghosting over his heated cheeks softly, tugging at his chin so that he would be looking at his soul mate. And the usually gentle action made Felix almost flinch back, the action too familiar to the rough way the manager had tugged his chin to face him too.

  
“Angel, tell me what’s wrong?” Chan could feel his heart breaking all over again as he saw Felix flinch away, as if he was physically burned. His thumb pressed against the side of the boy’s neck, rubbing at it. He could see the gold all over his cheeks, spilling over and onto his temples, making him remember the beautiful constellations he would see back in Australia.

  
Felix let out a soft Chanie please don’t call me that as his mind was filled up with the memory of their manager calling him angel as his hands ran all over his body.

  
And the older Australian let out a loud gasp, watching his soul mate crumbling in front of him, his heart being crushed under the weight of the world.

  
“Baby. Baby tell me what’s wrong, please?” Felix shook his head again, shying away from the other’s touch as his skin burned with a scorching heat. The soft tickling in the back of his throat now a full on itch, making him feel like sandpaper was being rubbed against the muscles.

  
“If you don’t tell me I’ll have to ask the manager.” Chan knew that something was horribly wrong the moment Felix let out a loud and broken sob at hearing the word manager. An unreasonable amount of anger and furry curling up in his stomach, all around his heart at the sight of his boy breaking down in front of him.

  
“No. No no no. You are not asking the manager.” And Chan curled his fingers into a fist, his eyes narrowing into a glare as he focused on the boy in front of him, now on his knees. He crouched down in front of the other, his right arm shaking from anger and his left hand and fingers carding through Felix’s blond hair.

  
His mouth was shut tightly, tongue feeling a little bit too heavy, making him incapable of forming words, simply left to stare with a heartbroken expression at his soul mate. Even when crying, Felix was the most beautiful boy he had ever seen.

  
The tears rolling down the boy’s cheeks only made him look even more like an actual angel in his eyes. He pressed his thumb onto Felix’s bottom lip, pushing at it in order to set it free from the boy’s teeth, wincing at the mark that was left behind.

  
His heart dropped into the pits of his stomach, making him curse out loud, scaring Felix because of the sudden sound.

  
“It’s the manager isn’t it? What did he do?” Felix let out another sob as he clawed at his left wrist, nails digging into the skin, leaving a burning path of sorrow, making Chan let out a choked up sob in response at the sight of the boy he wanted to protect from the world.

  
“Lixie please tell me what he did or I will go and ask him myself.” And maybe punch him once or twice left the older Australian’s lips, his heart bleeding black as both anger and protectiveness drowned him.

  
“No no no, please don’t ask the manager. He will hurt them then.” Chan cradled the boy’s face in his palm, tilting it up so that he would be forced to face him. Tears clung to Felix’s long eyelashes, making him look so much younger.

  
“Hurt who? Lixie, did he hurt you?” Felix whimpered at the question, feeling too weak to hold himself up, his body aching from the mental and physical exhaustion he had been dealing with. He could only let out a soft thank you as Chan caught him in his arms, circling them around his body to hold him close.

  
“What did that bastard do to you?” The younger boy pressed his nose into the space where Chan’s neck met his shoulder, breathing in the other’s scent, willing it to lull him into a sort of calmness that helped him drown out his own cries of help.

  
He could feel fingers running through his hair, tugging at the loose strands gently, his lips pressing up into Chan’s neck, making the older boy shiver in response.

  
“Lixie I need you to trust me.” Only silence could be heard after that for what felt like hours, but it only lasted a minute or two, the two boys clinging to each other, holding on to the last bit of sanity that was left around them.

  
“Do you trust me?” Felix could only nod his head in response at that, nose still burrowed right under the other’s jaw, lips pressed into the skin of his neck, right under the pretty silver line, his lips tingling at the feeling of silver on them.

  
Chan gently coaxed the other to look at him, one arm still wrapped around his back while the other cupped his jaw, fearless and determined eyes meeting the shy yet trusting gaze of the freckled dancer.

  
“Trust me.” He whispered those words against the boy’s golden marks, his lips brushing up against the soft skin, tasting the colour on his soul mate on his tongue.

  
“I can’t tell you Chanie. He will hurt them if I do. He will hurt the group if I do.” The older boy frowned at that, leaning backwards to look at the boy still wrapped around him, his tongue heavy in his throat and his heart placed neatly into the hold of the other. He knew that he would do anything to keep Felix safe.

  
“He actually threatened you? That fucking asshole.” Felix curled himself tighter against the other, arms pressing into his back, cradling Chan into him as he felt his furry against his skin, seeping into his flesh and bones.

  
“I’ll find out one way or another. Until then I am not leaving you alone anywhere, especially near that bastard.” Felix could only let out a soft whine as a nose was pressed into his right cheek, fingers grasping onto his waist softly, making him melt into the familiar touch.

  
“I’ll protect you. I won’t let you go now that I have you in my arms.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is this bittersweet fluff? My heart is weak and I am weak for Chanlix, I really am. Other ships will come too, but let me just have this for a chappie ;-; ya’ll thought I was gonna make Felix not say anything tho, didn’t you? The boy’s scared, but Chan’s a secret detective and will scope everything out either way.


	13. One for the road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything is a little bit better until it isn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back with the constant update that is more like my frustrations being taken out than me actually thinking about plot. Plot? What plot? We only have angst in here. I might be updating a bit less because I just restarted treatment and it leaves me very exhausted physically afterwards, so I might be writing less for some time.

If anyone noticed that Chan has been basically glued to Felix’s side for the past few days, no one said anything. The younger Australian would feel eyes focused on him, questioning the situation, but even Jisung and Jeongin kept their mouths shut.

 

He had to beg the other to not tell the others about the manager, Chan not liking the idea of keeping it away, but when Felix practically started crying from stress, tugging at his arms in despair, he couldn’t do anything else but to nod his head, agreeing to keep the issue between the two of them, at least for some time.

 

Hyunjin had his arm wrapped around Changbin’s waist, the two of them sitting on the couch in the living room, his eyes zeroed in on Felix and Chan who were sitting on the ground with Minho, the three boys talking about their last showcase.

 

He could feel Changbin tensing up in his arms, turning his head to the side to look at the short rapper. He smoothed the furrowed eyebrows out, fingers lingering against the other’s skin, leaving a tingling sensation behind them.

 

The dancer knew that Changbin didn’t have any romantic feelings for him. Quite frankly, he wasn’t sure if what he felt for the other was platonic or not. His skin would tingle whenever the other touched him and his heart would skip a beat or two when the other simply looked at him with that childlike smile gracing his features.

 

Confusion lingered all over his brains, leaving him dazed and lost in his own feelings. While Changbin made him nervous in a pleasurable way, Felix made him relax the moment he was near him.

 

The tingle whenever Felix touched him, simply brushed his arm against his, made him feel like he had died and went to heaven. He could feel his body go lax the moment the freckled boy was in the same room as him, the young Australian being his comfort and safety blanket.

 

Changbin burrowed his head into the other’s shoulder, his lips pulling up into a straight line. He could feel tears gathering at the corners of his eyes, clenching them shut tightly. The arms wrapped around him squeezed tightly, giving him the smallest bit of comfort he has been craving.

 

It broke his heart whenever Felix would avert his eyes when their gazes met by accident. The tension was killing him mentally, his heart wanting to hold onto the freckled boy, while his body’s automatic reaction was to seek out warmth and love from his soul mate.

 

He could hear Felix’s sunshine laughter filling up the room, painting the walls a bright yellow and orange, making Changbin want nothing more but to look at the other for hours. His heart prickled, brains screaming that the boy had Chan now, and within no time he will also be forgiving Hyunjin too, and then he will probably loose his own soul mate.

 

But Changbin couldn’t hate the boy for this. He couldn’t hate the bright smiles and twinkling eyes directed at everyone else but him. If it meant that Felix was going to be happy, even if he was going to have to share his soul mate with him, then so be it.

 

If he was going to be able to see the other’s smile, even if not directed at him, then maybe all this heart break was going to be worth it.

 

Felix could feel his anxiety building up even when Chan’s fingers were pressed into the back of his neck, thumb rubbing over the smooth skin. His knees jumped up every few seconds as he sat cross legged on the ground in between of Minho and Chan, Jisung giving up on them and calling them boring.

 

His head swam with the want to move, the need to do something, anything. Chan has been making sure that he didn’t leave his side at any given moment, sticking to him like glue during breakfast, lunch and dinner.

 

And Felix’s stomach turned in disgust. He had forced himself to eat three times in a day during the last two days, his body feeling too heavy and too fat. He barely managed to trick Chan and Woojin into believing that he was full during breakfast after a few spoonfuls of the omelette and fried rice.

 

“Lixie, what are you thinking about?” The freckled boy tilted his head to the side, eyes now focusing on the curly hair of the other, so messy and sticking out like a soft halo. He focused on the dimples that showed as the other had smiled at him softly, his insides churning at the thought of how different the touch of Chan was compared to the touch of Seojin.

 

The older Australian poked his cheek with his pointing finger, drawing out a soft whine out of the other, liquid honey eyes meeting a dark yet soft pair of loving ones.

 

“I want to go practice.” And a smile made it’s way across his features, finger still pressed into the other’s cheek. He could feel his chest fill up with pride and his blood run warmer just at the thought of the other working so hard. He worried over the other daily, knowing that Felix was over working himself, but it also made his heart swell up with adoration.

 

The determination that burned so bright in Felix made him just that much lovable. Chan felt like sometimes he didn’t deserve someone like the bright eyed boy as his soul mate. He was still confused and thankful that he had been forgiven so easily, although Felix had made it clear that he was still upset with him and his decision to hide something like the fact that he was his soul mate away from him.

 

“Baby you know that I won’t let you go alone.”

 

“I still gag at the idea of you calling anyone baby, hyung.” Chan simply turned to look at Seungmin with an unamused expression, one of his eyebrows raised up in a judging manner.

 

“But baby, isn’t it cute?” Seungmin let out a loud gag at the older boy, curling into himself and whispering for Jeongin to take his pain away. The maknae simply cackled at the fact that Chan would call Seungmin baby just to rile him up.

 

Felix patted Minho’s knee as the other wished him luck with the apparent cringe fest that was his soul mate, turning his head to look at the curly haired blonde again.

 

“Come with me Chanie, I just want to practice for a few hours and I hate being stuck in the dorms.”

 

“I am offended. Do you not like spending time with us?” Felix turned his head to stare Jisung down, the two of them holding eye contact for a few seconds before the rapper pouted at him cutely.

 

“It ain’t about you Sungie.” The rapper pouted even more if that was possible, making the Australian groan in despair. Jisung knew that everyone always gave into his pout no matter what he wanted.

 

“It could be tho?” Felix simply shook his head as he could feel Chan’s arm being wrapped around his waist, tugging him the slightest bit, and he smiled at Jisung widely.

 

“Come on Lixie, if you want to practice so much then we can go, but we will be back before dinner.” And the freckled boy nodded his head eagerly at that, Chan pulling him up softly, not letting go of his waist as he manoeuvred them through the living room.

 

Felix met Hyunjin’s eyes briefly, holding his gaze for a few seconds, his fingers twitching and his heart sinking lower until it felt too heavy. The boy looked so fragile and lost, clinging onto Changbin, who was hiding away into the dancer. He couldn’t help the guilt that was swallowing him up, surely he was the cause of the distress of the two boys.

 

His eyes shifted over to Chan who had let go of him at some point, going over to his room to get spare clothes for them.

 

As the older Australian made his way over to him, Felix couldn’t help but to curl his fingers into fists, his knuckles turning snow white and his palm stinging from the crescent moons being left behind.

 

The jacket felt a little bit too big on him, but it also belonged to Chan, who had broad shoulders and defined muscles, so Felix simply snuggled into the warm material, being tugged into the JYP building and down the hallway, into their regular practice room.

 

Felix sat down on the floor, stretching his legs out, following up with his arms and then his whole body, feeling the familiar ache of his muscles. He could hear Chan somewhere behind him, rummaging through his backpack as the boy let out almost inaudible curses.

 

“Something’s wrong?” The leader looked down at his backpack then back at the freckled boy, his eyes drowning with guilt and confusion.

 

“I swear I took our water bottles with us.” Felix laughed at that silently, it was so like Chan to forget something in the dorms.

 

“It’s okay Chanie, you can go buy them from the vending machine?” The older boy frowned at the offer, shaking his head the slightest bit.

 

“I told you I’m not leaving you behind.”

 

“It’s just for a few minutes Chanie, just to get us water.” The curly haired boy groaned in frustration and nodded his head at the other, casting a longing glance at him before moving over to the doors.

 

“Okay, but don’t leave the room then.” With that said Chan disappeared behind the doors, leaving them cracked open behind him, and Felix turned back to look at the mirror in front of him.

 

He was so lost in his thoughts and the song that was playing that he didn’t hear the door opening more and the person stepping in, stalking over closer to him, watching all of his movements in sick fascination.

 

His head snapped up from where it was focusing on his moving feet to look at the mirror, heart stopping for a few moments as he was met with a mocking smile.

 

“I though he was never going to leave you alone.” Felix’s body froze, limbs feeling too heavy again as fingers burned a path down from his chest to his hips. The t shirt he was wearing was thin enough to make him feel every drag of the other’s hand.

 

“Did you miss me angel?” Fingers dipped lower, ghosting over the basketball shorts he had changed into for practicing. He tried to jerk away as the fingers rubbed against the top of his thigh, but a strong arm was wrapped around his waist, his arms trapped between his own body and that arm.

 

He tried to slam his head back and into the other’s face or neck as those fingers bunched up the leg of the shorts, lifting the material until his thigh was naked and hit with cold air. Fingers pressed into his flesh, moving up, too close for comfort.

 

Felix managed to elbow the other in his stomach, making Seojin hiss in pain as he fled to the other side of the practice room, pressing his back against one of the walls, watching the furry swallowing up the manager’s face.

 

“You will pay for this angel.” Seojin took a menacing step closer to him, his lips turned up into a twisted smile. Felix could feel his body about to hit the ground from the anxiety and fear that was building up in his stomach, moving up his chest and into his throat, making it impossible for him to scream.

 

“What the fuck do you think you are doing in here?”

 

Felix’s eyes flew to the doors of the practice room.

 

There stood Chan, with two water bottles in his hand and his eyes narrowed into tiny slits, nostrils flared up and glaring at the manager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya’ll thought I was gonna let ya’ll live peacefully and see Chanlix thriving? SYKE. I appreciate ya’ll leaving so many sweet and warm comments, it really is precious, so thank you.
> 
> Also, Changjin/Hyunbin(?) is a mess of feelings, boys are hurting and I am a shithead.


	14. Talking to the moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We’re still gonna have to talk about this later baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fam I am back because I never went away. This is like a more fluffy update with a bit of anger and angst and Chan is an angry and protective boi?

The tension in the room could be cut with a blunt knife, both the manager and Chan staring each other down as Felix curled up into himself, making himself look as small as possible.

  
The silence was killing the dancer, his eyes focused onto the ground as his skin buzzed from anxiety and fear. He knew that Chan could sometimes be unpredictable, and he prayed that he was not going to do something he was going to regret later on.

  
“I asked you what the fuck you are doing in here?” Seojin simply turned his head to the side, staring Chan down, towering over his form with his 6 feet tall physique. But the older Australian didn’t look like he was ready to back down.

  
“I just came here to give little Felix a short visit.” The boy shivered in disgust at the other’s sugar coated tone, his spine curling as his palms pressed down into his thighs so try and stop them from shaking so badly.

  
Chan scoffed in disgust at the manager, his shoulders squaring up as the two of them stood with merely five feet in between them. He could barely wrap his brains around the fact that that bastard didn’t look like he regretted scaring Felix. Hell, he looked like he enjoyed tormenting him.

  
“Stay away from him.” The manager only smiled back at him widely and then looked at Felix shortly, taking in his shivering and sobbing form.

  
“How does it feel like knowing that you will have to share your soul mate with your own member?” The older Australian hissed at that, knowing that Felix was going to have to talk everything out with Hyunjin at some point. And then there was the whole mess between Changbin and Felix and he knew that he was going to have to talk about it with the freckled boy too.

  
“Yeah, at least I’m not scaring him every second I’m near him.” Felix flinched at that, burrowing his face into his hands as he could feel the fantom touches all over his body, the mocking smile bleeding into his brains and the cruel laughter poisoning his veins.

  
“You should be more respectful to your elders.” Chan couldn’t help but to hiss at the other, taking a step closer until merely one feet was separating them, Felix shaking like a leaf in wind because of the fear gripping at him.

  
“I give respect when it’s needed, not when someone demands it.” Seojin’s wide smile fell and Chan’s eyes narrowed into tiny slits as he had to fight against his body’s reaction to punch the other. He didn’t want to scare Felix even more.

  
“You little piece of shit. I could ruin you and your group.” Chan simply chuckled at that in response, his eyes still glaring heatedly at the other, fingers curled into tight fists and hands shaking from the want to burry his knuckles into the other’s flesh.

  
“Yeah, and I could ruin your life. You really think people won’t be disgusted by you when they will know that you are harassing an idol? Even worse when he is barely legal?” The manager now fully glared at the Australian, Felix letting out a whimper as he witnessed Seojin grabbing onto the collar of Chan’s sweatshirt.

  
“Let go of him!” Seojin only cackled maniacally at the broken voice of the freckled boy, Chan growling at him almost animalistically. The curly haired Australian grabbed onto the manager’s wrist tightly, digging his nails into the flesh as the two of them stared at each other.

  
“I will deal with you later angel.” Chan growled at the other for calling Felix with a pet name and pushed at him harshly, making the manager stagger back a few centimetres.

  
“Don’t you dare call him that! I’ll fucking kill you if you do anything to him.” The manager simply laughed at that before his arm curled back and his fist met Chan’s cheek, too fast for the two Australian’s to react before Chan’s head snapped to the side, eyes wide.

  
The boy’s whole body trembled in furry, arms shaking as he looked back at the manager, lips curled into a snarl as he closed the distance between them, their noses almost pressing as they glared at each other.

  
The furious Australian pushed at the manager’s shoulder, making him stumble back, ignoring the stinging on his left cheek. He pulled his own fist back, ready to paint the other in black and blue, his body buzzing with adrenaline.

  
He could feel a trembling hand pressing into his elbow, trying to tug his arm down and to his side. He snapped his head to the side and met Felix’s wide and frightened gaze, his breath hitching in his throat, heart skipping a beat or two.

  
“Such a sweet soul mate you have.” Chan snapped his head back to glare at the manager, still feeling Felix’s fingers gripping onto his elbow, trying to tug him back wards.

  
“Stay the fuck away from him. If even one hair will fall from his head I will kill you.” Seojin simply laughed at the other’s threat again, Felix gripping onto Chan’s hand, finally managing to drag him a bit further away.

  
“Chanie don’t, you’ll only get in trouble.” The older Australian stared at his soul mate, his eyes softening the slightest bit and his fingers flying over the other’s cheek, making the marks glow a soft gold.

  
“Listen to your sweet soul mate, Chanie.” The freckled boy had to wrap his arms around Chan’s waist in order to manage to hold him back, struggling against the other’s raw strength.

  
“Don’t fucking talk about him. Keep Felix out of your rotten mouth.”

  
“I’d watch your mouth if I was you.” Chan struggled against Felix as the manager made his way over to the doors, giving them a nasty grin as he turned around to look at them one more time.

  
“You won’t be able to be around Felix all the time.” He could feel something burning up his chest and in the back of his throat, jaw clenched shut tightly as he struggled to grit out a response.

  
“Fucking watch me.” Chan fell back into Felix’s chest when the doors slammed shut after the manager, his breathing laboured and whole body shaking in the other’s hold. The freckled boy ran his fingers over the other’s curly and soft hair, a frown marred his features.

  
“I think we should go back to the dorms.”

  
“Lixie.” The younger boy shook his head as his arms were still wrapped around the other, pulling Chan tightly against him, making the other feel his rapidly beating heart against his back.

  
“Let’s go back Chanie, I don’t really want to practice in here right now.” The older Australian could only nod his head, still in a daze of furry as he was tugged up to follow the other, Felix grabbing onto the backpack and locking the doors after the two of them.

  
“Lixie, we need to do something about this.” The freckled boy glanced at the other, his heart skipping a beat at the soft look the other was giving him.

  
“Not here, in the dorms.” Chan could only agree as he was tugged down the street, the wind brushing against their cheeks harshly. The fingers wrapped around his wrist left a pleasurable burn after them, making him crave the warmth to surround his whole body, to swallow him up.

  
Felix unlocked the doors of their dorms quietly, hoping that the other members were going to be either in their rooms or maybe out and enjoying themselves.

  
Chan shuffled in after him, slipping out of his shoes and letting Felix help him out of his warm jacket, following all of his movements with soft and concerned eyes.

  
“Hey guys, I left some food in the ov – Chan is that a bruise on your cheek?” Felix’s eyes widened in fear, darting to look at his soul mate and the leader shook his head at the other, already feeling disappointed with himself at what he was going to do.

  
“I was clumsy and slammed into the speakers face first.” Woojin raised one of his eyebrows, not quite believing the other, but not knowing what to actually say, noticing the frightened expression Felix was sporting and that Chan’s shoulders were tensed up.

  
“I, okay? Food is in the fridge, we already ate lunch and dinner will probably be pizza because Seungmin wanted it.”

  
“Okay, we’re gonna go hang in one of the rooms.” The oldest member nodded his head at that, giving the two of them the softest smile he could muster up.

  
“Yeah yeah, soul mate bonding and all that.” Felix spluttered at that as Chan dragged him up with him and into his room, thankful that no one else seemed to be inside. It looked like the youngest members were out of the dorms and God knows where Changbin and Minho had disappeared to.

  
“Lixie we need to talk.” The freckled boy brushed his fingers over Chan’s cheek, grimacing at the bruise that was forming on it. Hopefully make up was going to be enough to cover everything up.

  
“Baby don’t shut yourself out please.” His voice trembled, breaking at the end of the sentence as Felix peered at him through his eyelashes shyly.

  
“Okay.” The freckled boy nodded his head as if to reassure himself that everything was going to be okay, Chan making the two of them sit down onto one of the beds, his fingers brushing against Felix’s shoulders and travelling down to grasp onto his hands.

  
“Baby, did he hurt you?” Felix tilted his head to the side, chewing onto his bottom lip as he furrowed his eyebrows.

  
“What did he do?” Chan’s eyes flew all over the other’s features, taking in the distressed look the other was sporting, his stomach churning in fear and panic.

  
“How did he hurt you?” Felix could feel the other’s thumb rubbing against his wrist, soothing the heated up skin. Chan’s other hand pressed up against his cheek before his fingers tugged the boy’s chin up to look him in the eyes.

  
“Tell me baby, I promise I will keep you safe.” Felix studied the other’s face for a few seconds, eyes slipping down to glance at the other’s lips for the briefest moment. And Chan’s eyes followed the movements of his gaze, tongue peeking out to lick at his lips.

  
The older Australian leaned his head down, pressing his nose against Felix’s freckled and small one, a soft smile tugging at his features.

  
“Hey baby, you are safe here.” The dancer’s breath ghosted over Chan’s parted lips, making him wet them again nervously.

  
“Can you just make me forget?” The curly haired blonde looked at the other with a confused expression, tilting his head to the side the smallest bit and Felix couldn’t help but to press his own pouty lips onto the other’s. The two of them didn’t move, simply pressing closer to each other.

  
Chan’s fingers pressed into the other’s shoulder, massaging into the skin as he pulled back to look at the other with half lidded eyes.

  
“Lixie?” The freckled boy shook his head, pressing his lips against his soul mate’s again, whispering a soft please Chanie as he pressed a chaste kiss, strong arms wrapping themselves around his waist.

  
“We’re still gonna have to talk about this later baby.”

  
Felix whined as he pressed his nose into the other’s neck, his fingers gripping onto Chan’s hips for comfort.

  
“Let’s sleep for now, I know you haven’t been sleeping well lately.”

  
“Chanie you literally comeback home at two in the morning.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: no, for now there will definitely be no smut or whatever you call it, kisses might happen more because I am weak but Felix is actually traumatised and I am sorry if I didn’t emphasise it well enough because sexual assault/harassment and in general any kind of assault/harassment is never okay.


	15. Run with the lions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin looked at him with so much adoration and care mixed up in his orbs that it made his fingers twitch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back with a mostly fluffy update? But also I made Felix cry? I'm sorry? As always, I don't edit because I have no self respect.

For once, the freckled boy actually enjoyed the dorms being filled up with loud noises and Jisung and Seungmin giggling loudly. He had his head pressed into Minho’s chest, the dancer carding his fingers through his hair softly, watching their band mates make fools out of themselves.

 

Felix had noticed that all day there had been tension between Hyunjin and Changbin, the two of them have been keeping a distance between the two of them. When normally he would walk into the room seeing them cuddling, today they always had at least a few feet in between them.

 

A groan left his parted lips, his head being tugged upwards by Minho so that he would be looking at him, meeting soft chocolate brown eyes. The older dancer smiled at him sympathetically, patting his shoulder in guilt, feeling bad for disturbing the peace the boy had been in for once.

 

“Come on Lixie, we gotta go eat before we leave, you know the managers will be mad if we will be late to the recording.” The boy shuddered at the simple thought of having to put food into his mouth. He still felt way too full from the dinner from last night.

 

His shoulders tensed up, alerting Chan who was running around the dorms, trying to gather Jeongin’s belongings as the maknae had been too exhausted to do anything else but lay on Woojin, falling asleep too quickly.

 

The leader of the group stopped right behind Felix, pressing a comforting palm into his shoulder, making Minho look from him to Chan with one of his eyebrows raised and his eyes shining with confusion and interest.

 

The freckled boy tensed up even more if that was possible, drawing out a very soft and almost inaudible question out of Minho, the older male looking down at him with worry swimming in his eyes. The Australian could only nod his head in response, giving the other a short but sweet smile as he moved off of him, Chan’s palm still pressed into his shoulder blade.

 

“Come on baby, we gotta go and get you ready and then eat.” Chan dumped Jeongin’s belongings onto Minho, making the boy hiss in surprise, drawing out loud laughter from Jisung and Seungmin, the maknae simply shrugging his shoulders in response to the mocking glare the dancer had given him, snuggling up into his side, taking Felix’s place.

 

“I swear you only like me when you are exhausted.” The maknae sighed at the warmth the other was emitting, nuzzling his nose into Minho’s neck.

 

“You are so warm hyung. Let me sleep for a bit.” Felix could hear Minho sighing in defeat, but everyone knew that they would do whatever Jeongin had asked. If he asked one of them to help him burry a body, he was almost one hundred percent sure that at least two of them would show up with shovels and the others would have already carried the body anywhere the maknae wanted to.

 

Chan led Felix up to his shared room, the freckled boy raising both of his eyebrows up in question.

 

“Don’t try to fool me baby, I noticed how relaxed you get when you wear my sweatshirts.” The younger boy could feel his cheeks heating up at that, Chan simply cooing at him and brushing the tips of his fingers against the glowing constellations splattered all of his skin.

 

“I cannot believe I managed to survive almost two years without telling you just how badly I wanted your freckles to glow for me.” Felix could only press into the other’s palm that was placed against his rosy left cheek.

 

“You are so beautiful, I can’t take my eyes off of you no matter what.” He could feel soft lips being pressed into his skin, against his cheeks and his nose, avoiding going near his lips. And Felix fought back the pout that was about to form. He was glad that Chan respected his wishes to go slow, to not rush into anything.

 

“How about that sweatshirt?” Chan’s voice felt like warm spring sun washing over him, Felix could only watch as the other dug through his clothes, searching for something warm for the other to wear. He couldn’t help but smile as he snuggled into the sweater he was given, remembering how Chan had told him that the bright yellows and oranges reminded him of Australia, of Sydney at 6pm when he would be going for walks with his mother.

 

The sweater felt soft against his skin as he tugged it over his head and down his body, feeling Chan’s fingers brushing against his sides to smoothen out the wrinkles, lingering for a few seconds. Felix smiled at that, sighing in comfort and letting his eyes fall shut as strong arms wrapped around his waist, tugging him into an equally sturdy chest.

 

His own arms wrapped around Chan’s middle, gripping a little bit tighter as he breathed in the other’s scent, his nose tingling as the now familiar sensation and his lips pressing into the other’s neck, right above the pretty silver line that always left a tingling sensation in his stomach whenever he saw it.

 

He could feel lips ghosting over his bleached and dyed hair, lingering a few seconds before moving to press into his temple.

 

A pleasurable burn traveled from his chest to his stomach, leaving a tickling sensation all over his skin, electricity sparking all over as Chan’s fingers dug into his back, moving against the material of the sweater, working his kinks out.

 

Felix sighed as he unwrapped his arms, pushing up against the other’s chest, taking notice of the glimmering silver against the other’s neck and the soft rose that colored Chan’s cheeks, making him smile at him softly, eyes crinkling up.

 

He dragged the pads of his fingers over the older boy’s neck, rubbing at the mark wrapped around it, his eyes filling up with warmth as his fingers tingled with electricity.

 

“So pretty. My soul mate is so pretty.” Chan couldn’t help and blush even deeper at that, the corners of his lips tugging up and a single dimple showing itself, making Felix lean closer again, brushing his own lips upon the other’s jaw.

 

Felix felt a burning sensation in his heart, pride swelling up as he called the other his soul mate. Chan had been nothing but loving to him, nothing but understanding  and caring, making sure to not leave him alone with Seojin, making sure that he was always comfortable.

 

“I wanna stay here all day, but Channie we have to go.”

 

The older boy nodded his head reluctantly while a bright smile still played against his features, the two of them showing up in the kitchen with elbows linked and seven pairs of eyes watching them. Three pairs looking at them with soft adoration, one with pride, one with concern yet still something close to happiness shining through, one brimming with guilt and the last overflowing with bitterness and jealousy.

 

Felix showed a spoonful of the soup into his mouth, his tongue tingling at the slight bitterness. He could feel a hand on his knee, rubbing it gently, knowing that it was Chan encouraging him to eat a little bit more.

 

The leader of the group watched as his soul mate ate slowly, eyes glazed over with liquid worry as he counted how many spoonfuls the other had taken.

 

His shoulders sagged in sorrow as he counted up to five and then Felix’s hand just stopped moving, making it clear that he was done with his food.

 

Chan rubbed his hand into the other’s knee, making sure not to move upwards, his fingers drumming over the boy’s kneecap.

 

Changbin watched the two of them, eyes taking in the way Felix almost glared at his unfinished food, the way Chan could only look at the other with worry swimming in his eyes. And his stomach turned with an unpleasant combination of guilt and realization.

 

Guilt at the fact that he hadn’t tried to get Felix to eat more. That he hadn’t been able to hold his own feelings in. And now the boy was avoiding even looking into his eyes when they were alone in a room. Hell, he avoided being alone in the same room with Changbin as much as he could.

 

Realization at the fact that he really was not the one Felix was going to open up to. He was not the one who was going to hold the other in his arms at night.

 

Felix could only snuggle into Seungmin’s side as they sat in the back of the van, his head tilted to the side and pressed against the other boy’s, the two of them too tired to do anything else but listen to their hyungs talking, Jeongin fast asleep while cuddled up into Hyunjin.

 

He could only feel a soft nudge as the van stopped, Jisung whispering that they were already there, telling him that if he didn’t want to be carried in then he should get a move on.

 

The young Australian bowed at the stylists that were running all around the room, trying to get them ready for the recording, his eyelids heavy. He let out a soft laugh as he saw Chan being scolded by their main manager for letting the members stay up so late, making everyone exhausted.

 

Chan made eye contact with him for the briefest moment, apologizing silently as he was dragged out of the room by the manager, something about leader duties and having to talk about their changed schedule. And Felix simply smiled back tightly and shrugged his shoulders tensely, his heart sinking into the pits of his stomach at the thought of Chan not being around him.

 

Felix cursed at himself for becoming so dependent on the other. It felt like he couldn’t even breathe without the other around him. His chest would clench painfully whenever Chan wasn’t anywhere in his sight.

 

He could feel the hot breath hitting the back of his neck, his already tensed shoulders jumping up in fright. He could recognize that sensation anywhere, he could recognize the scent of the other even if he stood a couple feet away from him.

 

Lips pressed up against his left ear, fingers gripping onto his hips as his eyes clenched shut. His lips pulled up into a straight line, eyebrows knitting into a furrow.

 

“I missed you angel, missed feeling your body against mine.” Felix could feel tears building up behind his tightly shut eyelids, fingers digging into his palms painfully, almost drawing out blood.

 

“So pretty.” The now trembling boy almost gagged at the two words. Chan would make him feel so warm with those two simple words, and now he wanted nothing more but to claw at his ears until he couldn’t hear, fingers burning marks into his hips.

 

He cursed at himself for deciding to stay in a more secluded corner, hidden behind the racks of clothes.

 

He could feel those fingers ghosting over his stomach until they moved lower, to brush against his pelvic bone, against his inner tight before moving up, up and center, making the boy let out a soft sob through his bitten lips. His body froze, limbs too heavy as if he was paralyzed.

 

He could feel the other laughing against his ear, cruelly whispering how soft and pliant the other was against the older man.

 

And then the arms were gone, making the boy capable of breathing again, his chest heaving up and down, arm being pulled after a few seconds, pulling him to somewhere more silent. Felix shook in fear, limbs trembling, lips shaking as he plead mentally for Seojin to let him go.

 

_No no no. Where’s Chan? Where was he?_

“Lixie, shh, calm down, it’s just me.” Oh. _Oh. It’s not Seojin?_ Felix could feel warm fingers pressing against his cheeks, right under his eyes.

 

“Lixie look at me please?” The boy shook his head, mouth tightly shut and fingers now digging into the other, into the other’s elbows painfully.

 

“I know you are still mad at me, but sunflower, why are you crying?” His heart clenched painfully at the nickname, lips parting the slightest bit as those hands cupped his cheeks, brushing his tears away. Red and puffy eyes met liquid honey ones, ones filled with so much love and concern.

 

_Hyunjin looked at him with so much adoration and care mixed up in his orbs that it made his fingers twitch._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Therapy has hit me full force and I will try to update as much as I can because it does give me joy and it's like the only way I get my feelings out, but I'm not promising anything? Half of the time I feel too nauseous to move and the other half I'm determined to at least do something even if it doesn't involve anything physical. 
> 
> Also yes fuck yes Hyunjin will be finally moving in and Changbin is the last boi left to try and pick his shit up.


	16. Let's kill tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt anger. Anger at himself. At Chan. At Felix. How could they keep something like this from him? From the other members? What was he supposed to do now?
> 
> He felt sorry. For Chan. For Felix. For the other members. What did that bastard threaten the two Australians with for them to keep silent?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a fucking trainwreck of a chapter. Hyunjin has entered the chat and God said hey, why not fuck shit up?

The boy’s tongue was stuck to the roof of his mouth, he could only stare into those eyes, filled with so much concern and love that it almost took his breath away. His heart skipped a beat or two when he felt those fingers brushing up against his cheeks again.

 

His bottom lip trembled as he saw a lone tear rolling down Hyunjin’s smooth skin, his own shaky fingers chasing after the tear, brushing it away, lips pulled up into a sorrowful frown.

 

“Sunflower, why are you crying?” Felix could feel his heart clenching painfully, tongue too heavy in his mouth, arms going lax as he shook his head, hair swinging around his face wildly.

 

Hyunjin pressed the other into his chest tightly, arms wrapping around the boy’s shoulders and he pressed his lips into the blonde hair softly, muttering sweet nothings and promises that the boy was safe and to breathe.

 

The freckled boy could feel his stomach clenching, dread filling him up from inside. His vision became tunneled as his breathing became shallow, fingers clawing at Hyunjin’s sides, clawing at anything to hold onto.

 

“Lixie? What’s wrong? You are scaring me.” The mentioned boy clenched his eyes shut tightly, his wind wipes feeling like they were being crushed under an imaginary weight, making it hard for him to breathe, leaving him gasping for air.

 

Electricity ran all over his skin, making his arms tingle and the boy let out a loud and panicked sob, air not entering his lungs, one of his hands now clutching at his neck painfully, clawing at it to loosen the skin up.

 

Hyunjin panicked, more tears brimming at the corners of his eyes, the panicking boy still in his arms. He could only press the other against his chest, whispering softly to follow his breathing, to try to calm down as he worked soft fingers into the other’s sides, right under his ribs.

 

“Shh sunflower, follow my breathing, feel how my chest moves.” Felix tried to zero in on the other’s words, to focus only onto the sweet voice of Hyunjin, his chest heaving up and down painfully, lips cramping from the force of his efforts to gulp in air.

 

“There you go Lixie, just like that, in and out.” He could feel himself being placed on something warm yet sturdy, arms curling around his waist as his breathing even out little by little, thoughts starting to run a mile a second.

 

His fingers uncurled, tingling with electricity and a little bit numb, Hyunjin’s own fingers intertwining with his as plush lips brushed up against his ear, littering soft pecks everywhere the dancer could reach from his position of Felix sitting in his lap.

 

The boy felt like he was on the verge of passing out, his body aching from the mental and physical strain, body plastered all over Hyunjin’s, too exhausted to move.

 

“What the fuck happened?” Felix could only let out a pathetic and low groan as he could feel himself being lifted into another pair of arms, this pair holding onto his tighter as Hyunjin stood up right after him.

 

“Hyung I really don’t know. I swear I didn’t hurt Lixie, he was crying and I didn’t want him to break down in front of everyone.” Chan nodded his head at that, his eyes not leaving the other Australian’s face and Felix pressed closer into him, body still trembling and cheeks wet from the tears that seemed to run non stop.

 

“I know you wouldn’t hurt him.” Chan stared at the boy in his arms for a few more seconds, fingers cradling the boy’s head into his neck before he snapped his head to the side to look at Hyunjin, the tall boy sporting a freaked out expression.

 

“Was Felix near our manager?” The dancer frowned at that, confusion lingering in his eyes and he shook his head.

 

“No? Manager Midam was talking with you?” Chan bit down onto his bottom lip, left arm curling around Felix’s waist.

 

“Wait, you meant manager Seojin?”

 

“Hyunjin, was Felix with him or not?” The dancer gulped audibly, shrinking into himself at the glare the Australian was directing at him, his heart clenching painfully.

 

“I, yes?” Chan cursed loudly, carding fingers through Felix’s hair as he looked back at Hyunjin with eyes full of anger and frustration, lips curled into a nasty snarl.

 

“Hyung, what’s happening? Why was Lixie crying?” The leader shook his head at that, his heart sinking to the pits of his stomach, knowing that it would be easier to tell Hyunjin everything. But he had promised Felix that he was not going to do anything in a rush.

 

“I, I can’t really tell you, but you’ll take care of Lixie, right?” The dancer could only nod his head at that, eyes following Chan’s body as the two Australians cuddled up for a few seconds, Felix’s cheeks being wiped clean from the remaining tears, the older boy making sure that no one could see that he had been crying.

 

Hyunjin couldn’t help but to watch Felix through out all of the recording, Jisung nudging his ribs a few times for him to pay attention to the host.

 

He took in the way the freckled boy’s shoulders would hunch forwards sometimes when his eyes would stare for a few seconds to his right. The way the boy’s left leg bounced up and down in anxiety and the way his eyes were just so droopy, as if the boy was on the verge of passing out.

 

It took his about forty minutes to figure out just who Felix would stare at for a few seconds to get so tensed up.

 

_Manager Seojin?_

Hyunjin’s brows furrowed, lips curling into a frown as he tilted his head to look at the older man. His fingers drummed against his right knee as he studied their new manager.

 

He had noticed that Seojin would look at Felix a little bit too long sometimes, but he had brushed it off as simple fascination. Who wouldn’t be fascinated by the pretty boy? But now that he thought about it a little bit harder, those stares became a little bit too weird, a little bit too predatory and Hyunjin had to fight back the gasp, muffling it with a soft cough.

 

Anger and confusion bubbled up in his stomach, up his chest and into his throat, lips cramped into a painful smile as he tried to answer the question. But his mind was in the practice room, two weeks back, when Felix flinched away when Seojin had complimented his dancing. Now that he thought about it, the freckled boy did tense up whenever he was around the man.

 

He could barely keep his fury in as he bowed at the host with all the other members, whispering to Chan softly that he was going to go to the bathroom, that he was going to meet them in the van.

 

With fiery eyes, the tall dancer stalked out of the room, lingering just behind the wall, watching everyone fill out and disappear down the hallway.

 

His lips curled into an angry snarl as his eyes focused on a face that made his vision go blood red with fury. It took him only a few seconds before he was standing in front of him, making sure that no one else was around as he hissed at the other, their faces a little bit too close for comfort.

 

“What did you do to Felix?” Manager Seojin smiled at him cruelly, eyes filled to the brim with a sick joy as he let out a few chuckles.

 

“I don’t know what you are talking about?” Hyunjin let out a loud fuck as his insides twisted, right arm shaking from the force of his fingers curling into a tight fist.

 

“I’m not as stupid as I look. What did you do to him?” He had to growl out the words, his voice barely coming out of his mouth and his whole body started shaking.

 

“You aren’t that smart too then. It took you almost a month to figure out.” Hyunjin’s eyes widened as he stuttered, heart clenching painfully, chest feeling too empty. He was so late. 

 

Fingers curled around his wrist, a thumb pressing into his pulse, rubbing against it gently, running over the smooth skin.

 

“But I guess you can’t have both beauty and brains.” The hand traveled up his arm, Hyunjin stuck in his place, stunned as fingers ghosted over his shoulder, brushing up against his chest, against his stomach. He could feel the other’s breath against his cheek, a tongue flicking against his skin before it disappeared.

 

“You are just as pretty as Felix.” Hyunjin let out a loud gasp as a hand pressed into his lower back, slipping lower, lower until a handful of his backside was groped, making him flinch back, face snapping to the side as his cheek burned with a sting.

 

“You better keep silent, don’t want your soul mate to be in trouble, do you?”

 

“Stay the hell away from Lixie.” The manager chuckled in amusement, stepping further away from the frightened yet furious boy.

 

“How cute.”

 

Hyunjin could feel his whole body still shaking as he climbed into the van, head spilling over with screaming thoughts. His eyes couldn’t leave the back of Felix’s head, lips bitten raw and heart bleeding for his soul mate.

 

He felt anger. Anger at himself. At Chan. At Felix. How could they keep something like this from him? From the other members? What was he supposed to do now?

 

He felt sorry. For Chan. For Felix. For the other members. What did that bastard threaten the two Australians with for them to keep silent?

 

Chan had to know. He had to have known something.

 

With shaky hands, Hyunjin gripped onto the doors of Felix’s shared room as the others lazed around the dorms, the dancer’s insides twisting and heart in his throat.

 

He didn’t have time to think as he cracked the doors open, taking notice of the boy curled up into a small ball under the blankets, his legs too fast for his brains to keep up with what was happening. Within seconds, he had crossed the room, cautiously sitting down on the soft bed, hand pressed into the boy’s shaking shoulder.

 

“Sunflower?” He blinked only once before he had an armful of an Australian boy clinging onto him tightly, sobs being muffled by his chest. Hyunjin would only press the other tighter into him, heart breaking as a sob left his own lips.

 

“Lixie I’m so sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin, bby, I'm so sorry. This was heavily concentrated on him and baby will suffer too. I'm sorry major angst is gonna come later on because I'm a trainwreck and so is this fic.


	17. Say hello to heaven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something was terribly wrong and Felix could feel his soul breaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. Like for real. Forgive me. This isn’t even the end of their suffering.

Hyunjin could feel a cold nose pressing into the side of his neck, rubbing into his skin, making him shiver at the feeling. His arms tightened around the other boy, the two of them too exhausted to leave the bed.

 

Their legs were entangled, the sheets wrapped around the two of them tightly, Felix’s elbow digging into the dancer’s ribs painfully but he didn’t dare to move away. The heat seeping from the younger boy’s body made him shudder.

 

“How is your nose so cold but you are so warm?” But Hyunjin didn’t need an answer. He had a theory that Felix took the Australian heat and sun with him when he moved to South Korea, bringing warmth and sunshine everywhere he went.

 

Felix drummed his fingers over the other’s waist as he moved up, placing his chin onto Hyunjin’s chest so he would be looking up at him.

 

The freckled boy traced patterns on the other’s cheek softly, fingers grazing just under Hyunjin’s mark that now glowed. The beautiful rose gold shone against his skin, glittering in the morning sunlight as the two boys stared at each other. Drank each other in.

 

Hyunjin leaned into the other’s touch as fingers grazed over his mark, staying there for a few seconds before moving away.

 

“Sunflower, we need to talk.” Hyunjin hates the way Felix flinched away from him, the way the younger boy curled up into himself a little bit more. He pulled his arms away as he studied the boy, lips pulled into a sorrowful frown.

 

“Please don’t.” The freckled boy looked like he was about to jump out of the bed and bolt out of the room, about to leave everything behind.

 

Hyunjin tugged the boy closer again, into his arms as he worked his brains through a plan.

 

“How about we go practice for a bit and then we will try talking?” Felix could only stare at the other for a few seconds, heart almost stopping at the thought that he was going to have to talk to someone else about everything. It was already making him anxious and the fact that Chan already knew enough made him freak out.

 

“I’m not a child, you don’t need to go everywhere with me.” Hyunjin wanted to protest, feeling like he was suffocating the younger boy, his chest feeling too full as he gazed at Felix who trying to avoid looking into his eyes.

 

“I know you aren’t, I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

“I know Jinnie, but you need to let me breathe too.” But how can I let you breathe and be alone when that monster is so close to you?

 

“I’m also going to the recording studio with Chanie today because he needs me to record something.” Hyunjin nodded his head at that in dejection, lips curled into an adorable pout, making Felix giggle at him, cupping his cheeks into his tiny hands.

 

“Don’t pout at me Jinnie, we’ll talk, okay? After I’ll record my lines.” The older older couldn’t do anything else but to let the other go and the two of them heard foot steps coming closer to the room.

 

 

 

 

The freckled boy avoided looking at the dancer as he got ready to leave with Chan, the leader giving him side glances as he waited for him by the doors.

 

Chan had his arm wrapped around his shoulders as the two of them walked down the street, Felix nuzzling his nose into the scarf he was wearing. The older Australian rubbed his shoulders in comfort as the two of them stepped into the studio, Felix quickly ditching his coat and making himself at home on one of the couches.

 

He older boy chuckled as he sat down in front of the computer, feeling the other moving behind him so that he would be standing close enough to look at what he was doing.

 

“I just need to pull up the track, we won’t take long, just need a few lines from you.”

 

Felix could feel his stomach twisting as he stood in the recording booth. Something was wrong. Something was terribly wrong but he was in here, safe with Chan. But his heart slammed against his ribcage painfully and head pounded.

 

“Baby? Are you okay? You look a little bit pale?”

 

 

 

 

Hyunjin huffed and puffed loudly as he stood in the middle of the practice room, sweat dripping down the side of his head and eyes glaring at the doors. He had to restrain himself from punching the man who was standing in front of him.

 

Seojin slowly stepped into the room, closing the doors behind him, making sure to lock them, before turning back to face the tall boy in front of him. A cruel smile plastered itself across his features as he took a step closer, taking joy in noticing how Hyunjin stepped back.

 

“Was hoping to find Felix, but I’m happy that you are here.” The dancer let out a soft protesting whine as the other stepped closer, eyes burning up and fists clenched tightly, shaking by his sides as he glared up at the other.

 

“What do you want?” The boy spat at the other, lips curled into a grimace as he could almost feel Seojin’s breath against his cheek.

 

“Felix, But you’ll do too.” Hyunjin pushed the other away from him, hissing threateningly, shoulders and arms shaking in fury.

 

“Stay the fuck away from Felix!” The boy’s voice rang through the room, making Hyunjin flinch as his ears tingled uncomfortably.

 

Seojin stepped closer to the boy, no space left between them as he trailed his fingertips over Hyunjin’s cheek and down to his neck, rubbing at the fair skin. He went back to press his thumb into the boy’s plush lower lip, pulling at it harshly.

 

“And what will you give me for that?” Hyunjin tried to rip his head away and out of the other’s hold, but the fingers were digging into his skin now. He groaned in pain as sharp nails dug into his flesh, leaving red marks everywhere they touched.

 

“You are a sick fuck.” As those words left his mouth, he only had a second to regret them before his head snapped to the side, his cheek stinging from the force. Seojin was red in the face, an arm pressing into the boy’s neck, making him choke up loudly as he trashed around, trying to move away as best as he could.

 

“If you don’t want your precious Lixie to be hurt even more you will do as I say.” Hyunjin could feel foul breath against his cheek, a tongue licking at the flesh, licking the tears away as he could only see Felix’s smiling face in the back of his head.

 

“Now be a good boy and don’t fight me.” Hyunjin jerked away, or tried to, as one of the arms was still pressed into his throat, pressing him into the wall behind him. The other hand patted his cheek roughly, another tear rolling down.

 

“Such a pretty boy.”

 

 

 

 

“Chan I need to go to the practice room, Hyunjin’s waiting for me there.” The older boy tilted his head to the side, but after a few seconds of staring smiled at the boy, tugging him up and out of the room.

 

“Okay, but I’m coming with you then.”

 

The younger Australian could feel that something was terribly wrong as his arms felt numb as they moved down the hall and into the stairway. His left eye twitched for a few seconds before he felt Chan’s hand in his, calming him for momentarily before his stomach twisted again.

 

 

 

 

The hand pressed into Hyunjin’s mouth silenced him as a hand slipped under his sweatshirt, dragging against his lean muscles before stopping right at the waistband on his shorts. His heart fell onto the ground as those fingers slipped into his shorts, rubbing against his boxers.

 

The boy tried to jerk away but was met with a slap against his left cheek, eyes wide and teary as he looked straight into Seojin’s dark ones.

 

“Be a good boy and this won’t hurt that much.” Hyunjin could only let out a muffled cry as he felt like he couldn’t breathe, the hand slipping into his boxers now, tugging at him, at everything that shouldn’t be touched by the man.

 

He could feel the other man against him, filthy groans slipping from Seojin’s lips as he rubbed himself against the boy’s quivering thigh. Hyunjin trembled in fear. In fear of what the other could do to him, to Felix if he didn’t listen. To the other members.

 

 

 

 

Felix basically ran down the hall, Chan trying to keep up with him as the boy tried to open the doors of the practice room, only to figure out that they were locked.

 

“I’m pretty sure Hyunjin is supposed to be in here.” Chan cursed loudly as he told the other to stay there, that he was going to go get the keys from the security guard.

 

The Australian tugged at the handle of the doors, left hand digging into the pocket of his coat as he remembered that he always had the key he had made in secret with himself. With shaking fingers, the boy slowly turned the keys, the loud click of the lock ringing in his ears.

 

His heart shattered onto the ground into a million pieces as Hyunjin stood there, cornered into a wall, face flushed as he tried to gasp for air, eyes terrified and teary, Seojin’s hand down his shorts. The freckled boy let out a loud gasp, arms shaking as his knees wobbled and he crashed onto the ground, fingers clawing at the hard surface for leverage.

 

Hyunjin sank to the floor as Seojin let go of him, placing a kiss upon his cheek, his eyes could barely focus on Felix, his soul mate breaking down in front of him.

 

He couldn’t even move his legs as the manager stepped in front of the freckled boy, merely centimetres separating them.

 

Felix froze up as Seojin stepped into his space, his crotch right in front of his face, pressing into his nose and lips mockingly. His lips trembled as he could only let out a shaky sob.

 

“I’d give anything to have those lips wrapped around me while I have my way with Hyunjin.” This made the tall dancer let out a loud cry of despair as he was still curled up into himself, Felix trying to move away from the other.

 

“But I don’t have time because your meddling leader with be here in no time.” Seojin crouched down and pressed his lips onto Felix’s forehead for a few seconds before standing up and looking back at Hyunjin.

 

“We’ll finish this some other time.”

 

Felix let out a loud cry as he crawled over to his soul mate, arms wrapping around the other, letting Hyunjin cry into his shoulder.

 

“Lixie we gotta tell Chan this. We gotta.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin, Felix, bbies, please forgive me. Hyunjin’s being a brave boy for wanting to tell them tho.


	18. Let’s not go down tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunjin and Felix just need some help and Hyunjin just can’t seem to stop crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back with a very filler chapter. Drama hits on the next one peeps. No edits whatsoever because pain meds and sleeping pills are killing me.

Felix didn’t know what to do. He was lost between holding onto Hyunjin, trying to get him to stop crying, and sending Chan pleading glances as the blonde entered the practice room.

  
And Chan could feel his blood rushing through his veins and he could only see cherry red as he took in the devastated expressions the two boys were sporting. He was frozen by the doors, hand clutching onto the handle and his other hand was curled into a tight fist.

  
Hyunjin was a sobbing mess, clinging onto his soul mate as snot ran from his nose, the boy’s chest heaving up and down.

  
Chan joined the two of them, hands shaking as he placed one upon Felix’s head and the other around the tall dancer’s shoulders, trying to carry some of his burden.

  
“Baby, Jinnie, what happened?” The older boy could feel tears pooling at the corners of his eyes as he looked at his two boys, lips already quivering and voice shaking from fear. He knew he shouldn’t have let Felix enter the practice room alone. He knew that something bad was going to happen and now not only Felix but also Hyunjin was hurt.

  
The freckled dancer could only turn his head to look up at Chan as he tried not to cry, if only for Hyunjin’s sake, cheek pressed into the taller dancer’s temple.

  
“The manager.” Hyunjin could barely whisper out those two cursed words, his throat too dry and scratchy from the crying. Crying for him. For Felix. For the other members because the thought of what the manager potentially wanted to do to the others made him sick to his stomach.

  
“I knew I shouldn’t have left any of you alone.” The Australian squeezed Hyunjin’s shoulders a little bit tighter, trying to give him comfort.

  
“What did he do?” Felix bit down onto his bottom lip, tugging at it as he once again looked at Hyunjin, his mouth too dry for him to say anything. He held onto the other boy as tightly as he could without hurting him, making the dancer cuddle into him as he tried to stop his crying.

  
“Baby, what did he do?” The freckled Australian could only shake his head, eyes shaking and lips pulled into a straight line. Hyunjin shivered against him and Felix let out a low groan. He was such a fucking coward. He couldn’t even defend Hyunjin.

  
He almost wanted to hit himself as a thought that he deserved all of this passed his mind for the briefest moment.

  
“No. No no no. Chanie hyung he touched me. You gotta know this. I didn’t want it.” The leader let out a pained sob as his heart broke for the boy still on the ground and in the freckled dancer’s hold. Anger and bloodlust fuelled up his mind, knuckles white and hands shaking uncontrollably.

  
“Jinnie, shhh, calm down. Where did he touch you, what did he do?” Hyunjin only shook his head at that, gripping onto Felix’s arms as he continued on talking, ignoring Chan’s questioning and worried eyes.

  
“I’m sure he touched Lixie too. Oh God Lixie did he touch you too?” Now Hyunjin’s attention was fully on the boy wrapped up all around him, his heart sinking to the pits of his stomach as he realised just how many opportunities the manager had had to take advantage of his sunflower.

  
“Baby, did he touch you too?” Felix didn’t avert his attention from Hyunjin, the tall dancer letting out a loud sob of despair as the other’s eyes told him everything. Told him stories of fear and shame, of hurt and giving up.

  
“Oh sunflower.” Chan could only watch the two of them, heart in his throat and fists aching to burry themselves into Seojin’s face.

  
“This can’t go on. We have to tell the others.” The younger boy snapped his head up to look at his older soulmate, the usual shine and glint in Chan’s eyes now poisoned with black clouds and bitter determination.

  
“Chanie.” There was a warning edge to Felix’s voice, making Hyunjin let out a loud cry of Lixie you know this can’t go on as the boy tried to stop crying.

  
The leader gave the two boys a sorrowful look as he watched Felix dab at Hyunjin’s cheeks, trying to dry his tears. The dancer too tired to do anything else but to fall even deeper into the freckled boy’s arms, sighing in defeat as he was moved a bit by Chan.

  
“Come on, let’s go to the dorms, we’ll figure out what to do later.” Felix tried to protest and Hyunjin simply closed his eyes, exhaustion taking him over, making his bones feel like they were made out of metal.

  
“Up we go baby. Jinnie’s too tired to stay in here.” The younger Australian couldn’t really fight with that as he watched Hyunjin in his half asleep stage, hands clutching onto him tightly.

  
Chan didn’t waste any time before slinging Hyunjin onto his back with Felix’s help, the freckled boy gripping onto the pocket of his jacket for at least that little bit of comfort. The boy felt heavy against his back, but the curly haired Aussie simply bounced him up a bit and let Felix lead the way back to the dorms.

  
As the three of them entered the dorms, they were met with silence, only Changbin and Jisung being home while the other boy’s were out having their vocal practice.

  
Changbin tried to move over to Chan, but the leader simply shook his head, motioning for him to step back as Jisung watched them from the living room with furrowed eyebrows. He could feel that something was wrong, they way Hyunjin was plastered all over Chan was simply not right.

  
“Hyung, is everything okay?” Chan gave Jisung a tired and strained smile before looking Felix into his eyes, the two of them sharing a silent moment.

  
“We’ll talk about this later, when everyone will be in the dorms.”

  
“Is Hyunjin alright?” Felix ran his fingers over the dancer’s hair, making him lean into his touch as he tried to stay awake.

  
“He will be, but now he needs to sleep.” Felix gave Hyunjin’s hair one more stroke before Chan carried the boy to the shared bedroom, the tall dancer fully asleep before his back even hit the soft sheets.

  
Jisung disappeared into the kitchen, noticing the thick tension between the two still standing in the hallway, opting to avoid any conflict.

  
“Lix, can we talk?” The freckled boy stared down at the ground, too afraid to meet the other’s eyes as Changbin stepped closer to him, but still keeping a safe distance.

  
“We can’t keep avoiding each other and I noticed how weird you’ve been acting lately too.” The younger boy gulped audibly, arms starting to shake as he could almost feel Changbin’s fingers against his shoulders, rubbing so gently that he swore he was imagining the feather like touch.

  
“You’ve been flinching a lot more lately and Chan looks at you with such sad eyes.”

  
“He does?” The boy’s voice trembled as he finally looked straight in front of him and at the confused rapper.

  
“Yeah, he looks like a kicked puppy. But also like he is ready to kill for you.” And how those fingers were wrapped around his wrists, tugging him to follow the boy deeper into the dorms, into the living room and to sit on the couch.

  
“So Lix, who is Chan ready to murder for you?” The boy covered into himself, sinking into the couch, feeling Changbin’s hands working against his tensed up shoulders, not going lower than his biceps. He unconsciously leaned into the touch, only then realizing how affection and touch starved he was when it came to the rapper.

  
“You know I care about you so much, I’d kill for you, but you gotta tell me who is hurting you.” The freckled boy let out a soft cry as his insides twisted, the image of Hyunjin and their new manager still stuck in his head.

  
“Why was Jinnie like half dead when you came back? He’s never this tired after practice.” And that was exactly what broke Felix’s resolve, Changbin letting out a loud shriek as he had a lapful of a sobbing boy clinging onto him.

  
“Hyungie I tried to stop him I really did.” Changbin only frowned at that, running a hand through Felix’s hair while his other wrapped around the boy’s waist. The dancer froze up for a few seconds before melting into the other’s touch again.

  
“Lix tell me what’s wrong.” He was met with more sobs and Jisung now entered the living room, concerned about the distressed sounds coming from it.

  
“Bin hyung? Why is Lixie crying?” Changbin could only shush the boy in his arms as he tried to calm him down.

  
“Sungie, hyungie, I’m so sorry.” .

 

 

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Changbin and boi he will be angst in the next chapter get ready for it


	19. One of us is a killer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the truth comes out and Hyunjin and Felix just want to hold each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. Changbin’s angst will come in the next chapter. All the angst will come in the actual next chapter because the actual shitstorm will happen then. The truth will be out and blood will be spilled.

The silence in the dorms was deafening, making Felix almost want to bolt out of Changbin’s hold as both rappers stared him down, waiting for him to say anything else but those vague apologies that only messed with their heads.

He could hear Chan talking to someone on the phone while pacing through the kitchen, Hyunjin either still asleep in his shared bedroom or at least pretending to be so that he won’t have to face everyone.

As Chan entered the living room, the freckled boy jumped up and out of Changbin’s arms and lap, making the rapper let out a defeated sigh. The leader rubbed his fingers over Felix’s cheek, tracing the marks that glowed and let a soft yet sad smile spill over his features.

“The boys will be back in about an hour.” He could feel panic filling up his insides, hands shaking the slightest bit as his mind filled up with all the possible outcomes. What if one of the members was going to think that this was all his fault? What if someone will think that he actually wanted this to happen? But then the boy had to forcefully shake his head, he knew that the members loved him, loved Hyunjin, they were never going to do anything to hurt them on purpose.

“Maybe you should go and nap with Jinnie until the boys come back? It was a very stressful day for the two of you.” Felix could only nod his head at Chan while casting a glance at Jisung and Changbin who were still watching him like hawks.

He could feel three pairs of eyes burning into the back of his head as he basically dragged his body up and over to the room Hyunjin was in, knees weak and almost giving in. He had to grip onto the doors for a few seconds, stomach twisting and vision spinning from all the stress and exhaustion.

Felix poked his head in cautiously, seeing Hyunjin on his bed, curled up into a small ball, trying to make himself appear as small as possible as he trembled. He could hear barely concealed sobs leaving the other boy’s mouth.

“Jinnie?” The older boy let out a soft whimper and barely managed to whisper out Felix’s name, uncurling from his position and making grabby hands at the other.

“Oh Jinnie.” The freckled dancer could already feel tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. Or maybe the tears never really left? The boy crossed over the room, kneeling down onto the bed by the his soulmate’s left side, fingers carding through Hyunjin’s dark and matted hair.

The taller dancer started babbling, making Felix frown as he couldn’t understand what was leaving his parted lips. Felix shushed his soul mate, palms pressing against the boy’s cheeks to make him look up at him. Teary eyes met exhausted ones, splotches of red littering Hyunjin’s face randomly from crying, eyes puffy and lips swollen and red from being bitten raw.

“Sunflower I’m so sorry.” He ghosted apologies over Felix’s face as his lips brushed all over his cheeks and forehead, stopping right under his left eye as the boy’s marks started tingling and glowing.

Felix could feel himself falling into Hyunjin’s open arms, the two of them crumbling into the bed as his skin tingled and eyes prickled. He could feel a lone tear slipping down his cheek, being chased away by Hyunjin’s plush lips.

“Lixie, can I kiss you?” The freckled boy’s eyes widened, heart beating rapidly and mouth running dry as the taller boy looked at him with hopeful eyes, yet there was still that spark of fear of rejection hidden under all of those layers.

“Jinnie, what about Changbin?” Hyunjin simply gave the other a bitter smile, eyes crinkling up the slightest bit as tears clung to his eyelashes.

“Binnie doesn’t love me like that. He never did.” Felix let out a sigh as he could feel long fingers playing with his hair shyly, the taller boy letting out a nervous and shaky breath as he leaned his head a little bit closer so that their noses would be touching.

“I just want to feel something else but disgust.” Their eyes met, sharing the same hurt and fear as Felix glanced down upon the other’s lips for a few seconds before watching his expression and orbs again.

“”You are not disgusting.” Hyunjin could only let out a soft whimper as Felix pressed their lips into a gentle kiss, just an innocent press. The two boys stayed put like that for a few seconds, not moving, just taking each other’s warmth in.

The taller dancer tilted his head to the side to be able to move his lips a little against the other boy’s, pushing against him gently as he breathed in Felix’s natural scent. He shuddered as he tried to get rid of those memories of those burning touches and gropes, of those hands all over him, tugging at everything they could.

Felix could feel their tears mixing up together, tasting the saltiness as their lips moved against each other’s softly, barely touching, almost like the two of them were too afraid to do anything else, so afraid to touch each other.

Hyunjin could hear the other boys downstairs, it was clear that everyone was already there, waiting for the two of them. And Chan was probably stalling to give them more time to collect themselves. He had to force himself to separate from his soulmate, Felix unconsciously chasing after his lips, letting out a silent whine.

“Let’s just cuddle before we have to go down.” Felix pressed his lips against Hyunjin’s cheek as the two of them tangled themselves up in the sheets.

 

  
Chan could feel judging eyes upon him as he paced up and down the living room, six boys scattered all over the place, anxiousness and concern making the air thick and tense.

“Okay Chan, what’s going on?” Woojin had narrowed his eyes, standing up and grasping onto the leader’s shoulders to stop him from pacing around.

“It’s Felix, isn’t it?” Minho’s voice trembled and Jisung and Changbin gave him guilty looks, their hearts in their stomachs and tongues too heavy to say anything.

“Why isn’t Jinnie Hyung here too?” Chan gulped at that, glancing around as his mind was filled up with worry, turning to smile at Jisung nervously.

“Sungie, can you go and get them two from Hyunjin’s room?” The young rapper could only nod his head as he stepped around the couch on shaky feet and up the stairs, breathing irregularly as he stopped in front of the doors for a few seconds before knocking on them and peeking his head in.

Jisung let out a soft sigh as he saw the two boy’s cuddling on the bed, clearing his throat to get their attention.

“Chan hyung wants you down? Is it okay?” Hyunjin could feel Felix moving against him, trying to drag him up the bed into a sitting position.

“I, yeah, we’ll be down in a second.” Jisung bit down onto his bottom lip but didn’t say anything else, telling the two boys to take their time before slipping out of the room. Felix started shaking, anxiety running through his veins and Hyunjin pressed him into his chest for a few seconds.

“It’s now or never sunflower.” Felix could feel himself being lifted up, his shaky feet coming in contact with the hard floor as the two of them tried to shuffle around the room, Hyunjin wrapping a thick blanket around the two of them to keep the warmth in.

He could feel eyes on them as they waddled into the living room. All the talking stopping as his flight or fight instinct started kicking in. He could feel himself being tugged down and onto Hyunjin’s lap as the taller boy settled down on the armchair that was not occupied.

“Jinnie, why are you crying?” Minho’s voice trembled, making everyone flinch at the raw concern and worry portrayed in it.

“Wait, Lix, why are you crying too? Chan what’s going on?” The curly haired Australian couldn’t tear his eyes away from the crying pair, heart clenching in pain and anger.

“We tried to deal with it ourselves but it’s just too hard.” Woojin sat down near Chan, rubbing a hand over his shoulder and Seungmin placed his palm over the leader’s knee, squeezing it tightly.

“I really though I could protect Felix myself, but then Hyunjin got dragged into this and I’m just so fucking angry that I could kill him.” Changbin could feel his blood boiling as he started piecing everything together. All the times Felix flinched away when someone other than Chan or Hyunjin was a little bit too close. Hyunjin acting a little bit too jumpy lately. And the way their new manager had been watching the two boys a little bit too close lately.

“It’s Seojin, isn’t it?” Chan could only nod his head as he watched Felix and Hyunjin flinch by simply hearing that name, wanting nothing more but to wrap both boys up in his arms.

“Chan, what did he do to them?” Felix burried his face into Hyunjin’s shoulder as he could feel hands clutching onto him tightly, the taller dancer licking his lips before coughing and clearing his throat.

“He, Seojin, that bastard, he touched me. He threatened me to keep silent. And I’m pretty sure he threatened Lixie too. The way he looked at him just isn’t right, it’s sick.”

“What do you mean he touched you? Jinnie? Lixie?” Jisung’s whole body started shaking as guilt filled up his mind, disgusting and dark scenarios playing in his head.

“He had his hand down my pants, he said he would do anything to have his way with both me and Lixie.” Felix could hear loud gasps and curses all around him, he was pretty sure he could hear Seungmin crying out their names.

“I swear when I see that fucker I will kill him.”

The freckled boy let out a pained whimper as he could feel his body shaking and his heart breaking. He didn’t want the members to be told like this. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to them too.

“Lixie, Jinnie hyungs, can you tell us everything?”

Felix’s heart stopped for a few seconds, lips cramping and jaw clenching tight.

_How could he tell them everything without making everything worse?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for sinning and stalling on making them say everything. I just write a lot about feelings and less about conversations and I prefer shorter updates than longer too?


	20. It ends tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth finally sees daylight and hearts get crushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the angst is full on and not just for Changbin but for everyone? Lots of crying and really, what do you expect? As normally, no editing or rereading because I have no self respect left.

The young Australian could feel his body tensing up from fear and anxiety as Hyunjin pressed him into his chest a little bit closer, arms gripping him a little bit tighter. The only thing he could do was stare at the boy’s neck, too afraid to actually glance up at anyone except Hyunjin.

 

“Hyungs? Could you please tell us what’s happening?” Jeongin’s voice trembled as he tried to catch anyone’s attention, heart sinking into the pit of his stomach as his mind jumped from one possibility to another. 

 

There was pressure building up behind his eyelids, lips quivering as he looked from one boy to another, wanting to wrap his arms around them. Or to have both boys hug him so that he could feel that they were at least there. 

 

Hyunjin let out a muffled cry as he tried to nod his head while Felix whimpered out a weak apology. 

 

Chan pressed the heels of his palms into his tightly shut eyes, rubbing at them furiously as he listened to the growing panicky voices of the other members, his body heavy and mind filled up with guilt and disgust at what has happened. 

 

Woojin looked at the two crying boys who were clinging onto each other as if their lives depended on it. Hyunjin was shaking like a leaf and Felix was barely reacting to anything else but the crying around them. 

 

And then his eyes turned to look at the leader of the group, narrowing as he zeroed in on the cheek that once had a bruise that had healed up already. And he could feel a bile rising up his throat, remembering Felix’s frightened eyes and Chan’s guilty expression that night they both came back home from practicing. 

 

He had to fight back the growl that was threatening to slip past his lips, fingers clenched into tight fists and now fully glaring at Chan. 

 

“That night when you came back with your cheek bruised, it wasn’t because you were clumsy, was it?” It didn’t sound much like a question as Chan’s shoulders squared up and he could feel eyes on him, judging him. 

 

“What does hyung mean Chan?” Minho didn’t bother to check if the leader was okay as he showed his shoulder a little bit harshly, rage filling him up at the thought that Felix and Hyunjin got hurt and Chan didn’t tell them. That he knew and didn’t trust them enough to speak about something, someone, apparently their new manager, doing something to their boys. 

 

“It was the manager, wasn’t it?” The curly haired blonde could only nod his head as he felt shame fill up his insides. He should have protected the boys better. He should have tried to confront the manager more. God. He should have been in Felix’s and Hyunjin’s places. 

 

“What the fuck Chan!” Changbin shot up from his sitting position, shortening the distance between him and the leader, and even though he was furious, his hands on the other’s shoulders were extremely soft. 

 

“He fucking hit you?” The Australian managed to pull his head up, meeting the other rapper’s eyes for a few seconds, letting out a loud yelp as Seungmin was now in his lap, hugging him tightly. 

 

“Why wouldn’t you tell me? Us? We would have done something.” Changbin’s voice bounced around the room, Felix hiding his face into Hyunjin’s chest as the two boy’s shivered from mental and physical exhaustion. 

 

“I, you don’t get it. I couldn’t.” Jisung let out a scoff at that, gripping tightly onto Minho’s arm as he tried not to lash out when all he could notice around him was destruction and ruined happiness. He couldn’t help but to think that their leader, one he could trust with his life, has been so stupid. Chan, who usually looked so confident and sure of himself now looked so broken with guilt and worry. 

 

“Then tell us hyung. We won’t understand if you don’t tell us.” Seungmin, who was still sitting on Chan’s lap has turned around now, his eyes searching the room until they fell upon the freckled boy and his other soulmate. If Chan wasn’t going to talk then they will have to. 

 

Normally Seungmin would be more understanding, less pushy, but there was something ripping at his heart, something tugging at the heartstrings, playing around. 

 

“Lixie, Jinnie, tell us what’s wrong.” The freckled boy flinched at that, panic filling him up, overflowing and spilling out in the forms of tears, Hyunjin too stunned from fear and shock to do anything else but hug him tighter. 

 

Changbin cursed loudly again, turning around and storming over to the two boys he loved. He stopped in front of them, a few feet away, watching them for a few seconds. All the other members were silent, watching the three of them.

 

Woojin could barely sit in one place, wanting nothing more but to gather the boys in his arms and to take away their pain. He should have pushed harder and asked Felix why he had been so jumpy lately. He should have noticed the boy avoiding close contact with most of them. His eyes prickled as he thought about all the times both Felix and Hyunjin had been alone, practicing in the company. Anything could have happened to them and he wasn’t there for them. What kind of hyung was he? 

 

To say that Minho was furious would be an understatement. He had figured out just seconds ago that the manager that harassed the both boys. His brains were screaming at him to stop them. He figured out what had happened, but the moment one of them says it out loud he knew his heart was going to break. 

 

He hadn’t been there for Felix and Hyunjin. He should have figured everything out earlier. He had once promised them that he was going to protect them as their dance line hyung, that he was going to take care of them until they will be grey and old and will have their own families. Because Stray Kids is supposed to be a family too. But Minho couldn’t even protect his two brothers. 

 

Changbin couldn’t help but to grip onto the freckled boy’s shoulders tightly, making the dancer wince in discomfort and Hyunjin showed him away weakly. But that was all it took for the rapper to feel like a small part of his heart died. He couldn’t even comfort the boy he loved and his own soul mate was hurting too, making his heart break all over again for the two boys. 

 

He could feel his fingers going numb, his chest, right where Hyunjin had showed him was feeling numb and icy, the rapper fighting against himself not to clutch at his shirt. 

 

Felix had managed to somehow turn around in Hyunjin’s hold, finally finding the courage to face Changbin, taking notice of the tear filled eyes and shaking body. His heart prickled as he saw the usually strong and fearless rapper crumbling right in front of his eyes. 

 

“Lixie, what has the bastard done to you and Jinnie.” His lips parted as he could feel the tears drying on his cheeks, his chest feeling empty and eyes too dry. Had he managed to cry all the hurt out? Now his eyes just felt heavy, lids swollen and red. 

 

“You gotta tell us. We need to help you.” Hyunjin let out a soft whisper of the rapper’s name, everyone else holding their breaths as they watched their member fall apart in front of them. 

 

“Please.” Changbin could feel his knees shaking as both his soul mate and the boy he loved looked at him with pain filled eyes. 

 

Felix could feel something break inside of him as he watched Changbin finally let the tears run. Last time he had seen him cry was months ago and those were happy tears. He could feel his brains screaming at him to stop but his mouth had a mind of it’s own. The boy gave a mental apology to Hyunjin as he knew the boy was still shaken from everything. 

 

“The new manager has been harassing me. He won’t leave me alone and he manages to somehow find me whenever Chan isn’t there. Whenever I’m alone even for ten minutes he shows up.” Nails dug into his stomach and Hyunjin’s breath hitched, Felix tensing up as he could already hear Jeongin starting to cry. 

 

“Harassing how?” Changbin’s voice was weak, trembling and shaking, but the boy knew that he couldn’t back down at that moment no matter how scared he was. The freckled boy let out a frustrated sigh as he tugged at his hair while looking down at his feet, wiggling his fingers around. 

 

“Putting me down? He kept on telling me that I wasn’t good enough to stand out. He watched me train all the time.” Jisung could feel that this wasn’t it. This was not all that was happening. The two boys wouldn’t be this broken because of this. 

 

“There’s something else, right?” 

 

“I. When I confronted him, he just laughed at me. Said that Felix was so pretty and that I’d do well too. He groped me that day. I thought it wasn’t going to happen again. I though that I’d be able to keep Lixie safe together with Chan.” The leader let out a soft cry as he buried his face into his hands. What kind of a leader and hyung was he if he let them get hurt like this? He could feel an arm wrapping itself around his shoulders but he simply let out a pitiful cry. 

 

“Did, hyung did he touch you again?” Hyunjin covered into Felix, his throat too dry to say anything else and mind too clouded to give him enough strength to open his mouth again. 

 

“I, I walked in on him having his hand down Hyunjin’s shorts. He was all over him and Jinnie was crying and I just froze.” The freckled boy let out a soft cry as he could see Changbin crumbling onto the ground on his knees, a loud thud echoing through the dorms as the rapper let out a pained growl. 

 

I’m gonna kill him. I’ll rip his dick off and make sure he will never feel pleasure again.” Minho stared at Felix for a few seconds before he shook his head and uttered that one question he had feared the most. 

 

“Lixie? Did he touch you?” He could hear loud gasps around him and something falling onto the ground as he nodded head. 

 

“It wasn’t as bad as Hyunjin’s. He, um, he didn’t touch me there fully, only through clothes.” Minho growled at that, almost ripping his hair out as he kneeled in front of the boy. 

 

“How many times?” The freckled boy still stared at his socks, the fuzz irritating him, making him want to scratch at his feet. 

 

“Lixie, how many times?” Minho left no space for arguing as he pushed the boy for answers. He could feel his sanity vanishing as Felix finally met his eyes. 

 

“I, I don’t actually know. It happened randomly and I just lost count.” Seungmin had to press his hand to his mouth to stop himself from sobbing loudly. 

 

“How did he touch you Lixie? Jinnie was there another time when he touched you? Did he make you do anything?” The older boy could only shake his head at that, tears streaming down his face freely and Felix stiffened. It was now or never. 

 

“He, um, he mainly groped me? Like touched me all over my body and he would always grab at my thighs? He’d push himself against me a lot too. And I could always feel him against my ass.” Minho let his hands grip onto the boy’s knees, giving them tight squeezes. 

 

“Did he ever force you to do anything?” Felix shook his head, but then he bit down onto his bottom lip and nodded his head. 

 

“He kissed me forcefully? He also would always have his hands up my shorts to touch my thighs? I think he said something about liking the feel of them?” Felix could barely hold himself together, seven boys being filled up with fury and despair and Hyunjin simply giving up, his heart empty and his mind blank. 

 

“Why? Why wouldn’t you tell us? Why only Chan?” He could clearly hear hurt in Woojin’s voice, laced up so thickly. 

 

“Channie found out himself. I probably wouldn’t have told him if he hadn’t figured it out himself.” Minho’s hands gripped onto his knees tighter, making the boy wince in discomfort. 

 

“But why?” Felix turned his head to the side slowly, meeting Jeongin’s and then Seungmin’s eyes. And that was the moment it clicked in the maknae’s head that his hyung was threatened. He let out a pained wail as he hid his face into his knees.

 

“He told me he’ll do the same to Innie and Seungminie. And I just couldn’t let him do that. Not to them, not to any member.”

 

Seungmin could feel his heart breaking. He felt weak to his stomach as he could hear his name being called. 

 

This was his fault too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ignore the title of the chapter. Not everything will end, but things will get a bit better about a few things? Forgive me for making the boys feel so much pain. I swear I did not enjoy it too. 
> 
> Also let me clear something up. I do not think that the boys are abused in real life, at least I hope they aren’t. But there are stories of idols being abused physically, mentally and sexually by their managers, ceos and other people in higher positions. Yes, male idols too. My heart goes out to them just like it would to anyone in a situation like this. It does not matter if you are a girl or a boy, this is disgusting and I cannot understand how there are people who brush this under the rug as if it’s not happening. 
> 
> Yes I got very heated, but mostly because this shit happens around us so much and if it’s not fully rape a lot of people don’t think it damages you mentally. Because it does, so much.


	21. No good in goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last thing the boy heard before slipping into darkness was his name being shouted through the phone and people panicking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme just say I am very sorry for doing this to Felix, but this had been planned from the very start. 
> 
> For those who are sensitive to rape, just, fuck, don’t read this chapter. I am in no way trying to romanticise it and I tried to put it as less detailed as possible because it’s painful, but this was a part of the plot since the story was still in my head.

Felix could feel eyes on him, on his back, his face, all over his body. He could swear he was about to go insane, only the fact that Hyunjin was safe in Changbin’s arms was making him feel a little bit better. He could hear Seungmin and Jeongin crying on the couch, he could also hear Woojin trying to calm the two hurt boys down. 

 

The freckled boy could feel Chan right next to him, too afraid to grip onto his arm, but close enough to make his skin flush bright red. 

 

He could hear Jisung trying to say something, but the young boy was too choked up, too surprised to say anything but to stutter out weak apologies. 

 

“Why wouldn’t you tell us?” The boy stayed silent as he could now feel Chan’s palm pressed up against his lower back, radiating warmth. Minho’s voice was void of any emotions. Felix shivered as he ducked his head down, his emotions swallowing him up and bottom lip bitten raw, almost drawing out blood. 

 

“Do you not trust us?” He could hear a low Minho shut the fuck up coming from Changbin as the boy tried to comfort his own soul mate, Hyunjin being a crying mess after he listened to Felix talking. 

 

“You know we wouldn’t have let that bastard do anything to you if you would have just told us.” The boy could feel cold shivers running down his spine, body freezing over for a few moments before he flinched away from Chan’s grip, scooting away. 

 

“Lixie, why would you do this to yourself?” A hot flash of anger ran through the mentioned boy’s brains, his head snapping to the side as he looked at Minho with surprise and unmasked hurt written all over his features. 

 

The two of them stared at each other for a few seconds. Felix couldn’t help but to chuckle at himself darkly. This sounded a lot more like what he expected to hear. But that didn’t make it any easier for the boy. Of course if he would have said anything the members would have tried to help him. 

 

Sweet and protective Chan got punched because of him. 

 

Soft and loving Hyunjin got harassed, got touched just because of him.

 

Because Felix was too stubborn. Too much of a coward to stand up for himself. He had to get his members to suffer for something to be solved. The freckled Australian could feel pressure building up behind his eyes, lips pulled into a tight straight line as his face paled. 

 

“Hyung, do you think I wanted this?” A twisted expression of pain and shock mixed up all over Minho’s eyes, eyes widening in fright as Felix stumbled up to his feet, barely missing Chan’s hands trying to catch him and keep him sitting. 

 

Minho could only splutter incoherently as the freckled boy stumbled backwards into the hallway, hastily pulling on the first sweater he saw before he slipped on his worn out sneakers, the other members frozen as they watched the boy slip right through their fingers. 

 

Felix let out a broken cry as he bolted out of the dorms, his phone gripped in his hand as he stumbled down the stairs and out of the building. He caught a glimpse of Changbin peering out of the window, trying to shout his name out as the boy manoeuvred down the street, narrowly avoiding colliding with an elderly man who was walking his dog. 

 

He could feel his phone vibrating in his hand, already knowing from the ringtone that it was Chan who was calling himself. He was surprised that the older Australian didn’t run after him. 

 

His feet took him to the only place he knew could both make him feel better and worse at the same time. He stepped inside of the JYP building, knees feeling like jello as he tried to smile at the guard, the older man looking at him with furrowed eyebrows. 

 

With a quick bow, the boy flew up the stairs, too scared to use the elevator, what if Chan was actually running after him? He could catch up to him if he had to wait for the elevator longer. 

 

With shaky fingers, the boy struggled to open up the practice room all the way on the sixth floor, one the members have never used for the group practices. 

 

Felix let the doors shut tightly after him as he crumbled onto the centre of the floor, feet too weak to even help him crawl into the corner. He could feel his ears ringing as he remembered all the times Hyunjin used to drag him up here when they were still trainees, before Felix was eliminated, before he was brought back, before everything became too messy. 

 

He could feel his fingers drumming against his thigh as he pressed onto the sound system, one of their songs blaring loudly. The boy thanked JYP for the soundproof walls as he moved across the room, his skin tingling as his eyes glistened with unshed tears. 

 

Songs changed as the boy moved across the floor smoothly, feet gliding as he finally managed to loose himself into the music and rhythm. He could almost hear his blood pumping and his heart beating against his ribcage. 

 

He had been so lost in the music that he forgot to check his phone again, the device sitting by the mirror wall, still vibrating and beeping, the screen lighting up every few seconds. 

 

Felix let out a low growl as the doors of the practice room were slammed open, hitting the wall before they were closed and a loud click could be heard, making Felix let out a groan. 

 

“I want to be alone Chan.” His ears picked up a low chuckle and his stomach twisted painfully. This was definitely not Chan. 

 

“Guess again Angel.” His heart almost stopped, hands starting to shake uncontrollably as he stumbled backwards, away from Seojin who was grinning down at him cheerfully. 

 

“How?” Seojin simply tilted his head to the side as he took a step closer to the boy, fear written all over Felix’s face as he pressed himself into the wall, his eyes darting over to the doors for a few seconds, wondering if he would be capable to make it to them before the other caught up to him. 

 

“How did you find me?” Felix’s voice trembled as he flinched away when Seojin’s fingers grazed his left cheek, ghosting over his freckled skin, before those fingers wrapped themselves around his throat, squeezing the slightest bit. 

 

“You should really have a better lock code for your phone Angel.” The freckled boy’s lips parted open in surprise at that, brows furrowed and body frozen. 

 

“It was so easy to track all of your movements. Just had to wait until everyone else left to get to you.” Felix could feel the bile rising up his throat and he tried to gulp it down, trying to hold the tears in as he glared at the other. 

 

“Yeah, well, now the members know and you won’t be able to get away with this easily.” There was surprise and fear flashing through the manager’s eyes briefly before his face twisted up into a sadistic grin again. 

 

“Well then, how about we have fun for the last time then?” Before Felix could say anything else, he could feel fingers all over his frozen up body, trailing from his chest to his stomach, gripping onto his hips as the manager tugged him closer, so that their bodies would be pressed into one another. 

 

He could feel Seojin’s erection pressing up into his thigh, the older man rubbing up against him as he started trying to fight back, arms pushing at the other weakly, the lack of sleep making it almost impossible to do anything else but turn his head away when lips pressed up into the side of his neck.

 

His head was tugged backwards, Seojin grinning down at him widely as a hand made it’s way into his sweatpants, rubbing against his limp cock. 

 

“Get off of me you fucker!” Seojin only chuckled at that as he slammed the boy back into the wall, Felix’s vision swimming as his head smacked into the hard surface, making the boy feel like his brains jiggled for a few seconds. 

 

“Now that wouldn’t be that fun, right.” Felix couldn’t answer as he tried to focus his vision onto anything, but everything he looked at was blurry. His head lolled to the side, making him feel like it was being split open as Seojin tugged on his hair again, making the boy hiss in pain. 

 

“This is what happens to boys who don’t listen.” 

 

The freckled boy’s hands pushed at the other weakly as his body protested against the touches, head still too cloudy to do anything else, eyes unfocused and lips parted to let out a painful cry as he was pushed down to the ground to lay on his stomach. 

 

His body spasmed in protest as Seojin pressed up into his backside, Felix letting out a painful whimper as he could feel more than hear the other laughing at him, his sweatpants being slipped down, forcing his hips up slightly, exposing him to the other. 

 

The manager chuckled cruelty as Felix let out a loud scream of help and tried to trash around as he heard the zipper of the other’s pants being undone. 

 

“I want you to look at the mirror. Watch yourself as I fuck you.” The freckled boy tried desperately to push the other away, but his brains were fuzzy, vision barely focusing on the other and his body was on the verge of shutting down. 

 

His nails dug into the ground as he watched the other slick himself up with his own saliva. 

 

Felix clenched his eyes shut for a few second before he felt a pressure against his neck, making him choke for air, nothing entering his lungs. 

 

“I told you to watch the mirror.” 

 

Broken cries and pleas left his chapped lips as pain exploded in his lower back and going even lower, his reflection giving him nightmares as he was forced to watch the older man break his body. 

 

At some point Felix could feel his stomach twisting again and he emptied everything he had eaten onto the floor of the practice room, the vomit mixed up with his tears and mixing into his hair. 

 

“You are so disgusting.” With a final grunt the man finished and pushed off of the young idol. He waited for a few seconds, simply watching the boy before he tugged his head back. 

 

“You don’t even look that appealing now that I’ve had you.” 

 

Felix was left on the floor with a final slam of his head onto the hard surface, Chan’s oversized sweater he had worn hurriedly before leaving the dorms barely covering up his exposed backside. 

 

He could feel something slimy and hot being mixed up with something sticky, a metallic scent filling up his nose.

 

His vision swam as he managed to crawl to his phone, shaky fingers pressing against the screen, unlocking it after the fifth try. 

 

He could only whisper out a weak “Help me” before his vision turned black. 

 

The last thing the boy heard before slipping into darkness was his name being shouted through the phone and people panicking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again. Rape is not okay. It is never and will never be okay towards anyone. I am sorry if this chapter triggered you, I’ve tried not to focus on it too much but the manager has to go out with a bang and the members will avenge Felix. I tried to not put too much mental image of it up in here because I know how much even the thought of rape can fuck you up, even more so when you’ve went through it. 
> 
> If you are still sticking with this story, thank you bubs.


	22. He's drinking tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Changbin was barely holding back his anger as he could only stare at the ugly bruises already forming upon his boy’s skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A filler chapter about Felix being found and just boys panicking and suffering and yeah, that's really the whole chapter.

There was a commotion in the dorms, Jeongin and Seungmin already crying loudly, the maknae chocking up and mumbling how this was all his fault, if his Felix hyung hadn’t been trying to protect him then maybe he wouldn’t be God knows where at this point.

 

Seungmin wasn’t doing any better, he had long curled up into a small and tight ball, not even Woojin’s gentle touches and pats could bring him out of his head. He could feel ice covering up his heart, threatening to pierce and break it into tiny uncountable pieces.

 

Hyunjin was trembling and trying to call out Felix’s name, but all that slipped through his lips were weak whimpers and pleas for the other to come back. Changbin couldn’t do anything else but to press his lips against his soulmate’s temple, mumbling out gentle encouraging words as he ran his trembling fingers through the other’s hair.

 

“Shh Jinnie, Chan and Minho hyungs will find Felix, Jisung is also with them.” Hyunjin only let out a muffled cry as he buried his heavy head into the other’s shoulder, clutching onto him tightly as dread filled him up.

 

“What if something happened to Lixie?” The tall dancer barely had the strength to whisper it out, Changbin’s heart breaking at how weak his soul mate was. Oh how much he would give up just to be able to take the other’s pain away.

 

“Shh, nothing will happen to him, they will find Felix safe and sound.” The boy shook his head at that, one of his hands clutching onto Changbin’s side and the other clutched at his own chest, his heart starting to feel like it was being prickled with thorns.

 

“Then why does my heart hurt like this Binnie?” Woojin turned his head to look at the boy as he heard that, his brows furrowing even more if that was possible. He knew that your heart feels like it’s being ripped when something happens to your soul mate. That time Seungmin fractured his wrist he could almost feel it in his bones.

 

 

 

The boy plastered on the ground could feel his brains starting to turn, vision blurry and fingers barely working as he tried to grasp onto the phone next to his face. He had been slipping in and out of focus for the last he would say fifteen minutes and he could see his phone glowing at random moments.

 

Felix knew that it was his members trying to call him, probably texting him, but his fingers trembled too much for him to even unlock the screen.

 

The boy couldn’t even remember the passcode at that moment. His mind was a mess of memories and all he could think about were those hands all over him, that voice filling up his existence, haunting him. And it didn’t help that his head felt like it was being ripped apart.

 

With uncoordinated movements, he tried to stand up for the first time, only to crumble back onto the floor, naked thigh slamming into the ground, making him groan in pain.

 

For a second Felix’s brains shut down and he was confused. Why was he in the practice room and why was he not wearing any pants? And why was his head aching so badly?

 

The moment he caught the phone’s screen flashing again with Chan’s name, he let out a loud cry because everything came crashing down too fast. The repeated slams of his head upon the ground and wall, his body being used and broken.

 

The now crying dancer tried to move up, but ended up on his side, clutching onto his head, feeling crusted up hair.

 

As the phone kept on flashing with his soul mate’s name, Felix managed to somehow pick the call up after about ten tries, his hands shaking as he somehow succeeded in holding the phone up against his ear.

 

 

 

Chan let out a loud yelp of surprise, startling Minho and Jisung who were by his side, the two boys looking at him with hopeful eyes as the blond Australian pressed his phone to his ear, letting out a shaky breath.

 

“Lixie, baby, thank God you picked up.” He could hear Minho letting out a curse word and Jisung basically clinging onto him so he would be able to hear what Felix was saying. But the boy was silent apart from the sobs that reached his ears through the phone.

 

“Baby, where are you?” He could only hear sobs as Minho tried to get to his phone but Chan simply slapped his hand away, still glaring at him. He knew that the dancer was stressed and felt extremely guilty, but he definitely was still angry at him, Felix ran out of the dorms partly because of him.

 

“Practice room.” Cham could barely figure out what the other was saying and his eyes flew to both Minho and Jisung.

 

“Which practice room Lixie?” A moment of silence swallowed him up, making him start to feel that spark of panic building up.

 

“Felix? Felix are you still there?” He heard a soft whine and he could already feel his eyes prickling. He knew that something bad had happened. His heart throbbed non stop and the buzz running through his veins made him feel uncomfortable.

 

“I, yeah. The one I used with Jinnie sometimes.” Felix’s voice slurred noticeably, almost like he was drained out physically, Chan turning to stare at Minho for a few seconds, the dancer staring back at him in fright.

 

“Do you know where Felix and Hyunjin used to practice?” The dancer started chewing on his bottom lip, chest empty as he ran through his memories. And Chan and Jisung were getting frustrated as silence once again swallowed them up.

 

“Minho fucking answer me!” The mentioned boy jumped up in surprise, wide and scared eyes meeting Jisung’s for a second before he let them travel to Chan.

 

“I, I’m not sure, but I have a feeling which one it is.”

 

 

 

Felix slumped against the ground as he heard the boy’s arguing through the phone, tears slipping down his cheeks and fingers digging into his hair. He tugged at the roots as he started to panic. His members were coming up and they were going to see him in this state.

 

Sluggishly, the freckled dancer started moving around, his body aching all over as he tried to tug his boxers and pants up as best as he could, wincing as the material brushed against his abused thighs and backside.

 

He could hear Chan asking the guard for a key to the practice room, knowing that he had two minutes at best before he was going to have to face them.

 

Felix turned slowly to look at his own reflection. Disheveled and pulled hair, deep red and until they were raw bitten lips, tears clinging to his lashes and bruises already forming around his neck and arms, all over his chest.

 

With swimming vision, he managed to tug Chan’s sweater he was wearing down, the soft material now irritating against his skin.

 

Trembling fingers combed through hair as the boy started staring at the ground, counting in order to try and get his breathing to even out.

 

Time seemed to stop as keys were inserted into the doors of the practice room, the boy’s heart falling to the ground, feeling like it stopped beating for those few seconds.

 

 

 

Chan held his breath as he turned the key, trembling finger pushing against the handle of the doors, Minho and Jisung right behind him.

 

Jisung let out a loud gasp as the doors opened and they were met with their freckled dancer sitting on the floor helplessly, one hand cradling the side of his head while the other clutched at the sweater he was wearing, right over where his heart was.

 

Minho was the first one to move as he heard Felix let out a heart wrenching sob, shoving both boys to the side as he sprinted to the young Australian, falling onto his knees within seconds. He didn’t hesitate before he wrapped his arms around the other, an arrow piercing his heart as Felix flinched away noticeably.

 

Chan slipped into the room together with Jisung, the younger rapper already crying as he stared at Felix with wide and fear filled eyes, taking notice of all the bruises littering all over his neck and wrists.

 

“Felix, can you stand up?” The freckled boy nodded his head and winced at that, thighs shaking as he pushed at the ground with his hands, Minho catching him when he was seconds away from crumbling back onto the floor.

 

“I’m calling a cab.” Chan hurriedly and with a hushed voice called a cab, informing the boys that it should be there in about ten minutes.

 

He cautiously wrapped his arms around Felix, the boy groaning in pain as he was lifted up, the leader whispering gentle apologies into his ear. The younger Australian flinched as air hit the back of his neck, letting out a cry as he tried to claw at his wrists.

 

“Shh, baby calm down, you are safe.” But all he could feel were those hands all over him, all over his skin, wrapped around his neck, around him, draining him from his sanity and life.

 

Jisung pressed Felix’s face into his neck, trying to muffle out his cries as the cab driver looked at the boy with worry.

 

“He just had a very bad day sir.” The cab driver nodded but glanced at the boy again, something familiar to sadness crossing over his features momentarily.

 

Chan thanked the driver as Minho paid, pulling Felix up into his arms, trying to ignore the flinching of the other as they managed to get into the elevator. Jisung counted up the floors as he was too afraid to turn around and look at his freckled friend. He was too afraid of the heartbreak he was going to experience.

 

The freckled dancer’s heart jumped to his throat as the doors of their dorms were slammed open, Seungmin’s scared face peering at them, the boy letting out a relieved shout of Felix’s name the moment he saw him.

 

He couldn’t stop trembling as he was still in Chan’s arms, the other boys all looking at him with concern and pain, noticing the state Felix was in.

 

Changbin was barely holding back his anger as he could only stare at the ugly bruises already forming upon his boy’s skin.

 

The leader helped Felix down onto the ground, the boy’s thighs and knees shaking as he gripped onto the backrest of the couch.

 

The boy saw movement from his left side, turning his head a little bit too fast, black dots dancing all over his vision.

 

He heard his name being shouted as he fell forwards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the big reveal of what happened to Felix to the other members, buckle up for the real angst and crying. I, just. Minho bby, I am so sorry for what I will do. You too Hyunjin. And Chan. Fuck. Everyone I am so sorry. Especially you too Changbin.


	23. It’s not loving (if it’s not you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minho gaged loudly and emptied everything he could on the floor in front of him, guilt eating him up. 
> 
>  
> 
> This was all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this emotional train wreck because my emotions are all over the place. As always no editing because I have no control over my brains.

Felix could feel thin arms being wrapped around him, holding him up and keeping him in place as he slumped forward. His legs couldn’t hold him up anymore as he simply fell into those arms, a low groan ringing in his ears. 

 

“Jeongin just put him on the couch.” He could feel another pair of arms wrap around him as he was placed on the top of the small couch, his legs dangling off as his head was placed in someone’s lap. His vision swam, making it impossible to focus on the members. 

 

Something cold was pressed up against his forehead and the boy tried to move around, tried to tilt his head to the side. 

 

A hiss of pain slipped through his bruised lips and he could hear several gasps around him. Did he actually sound that pitiful?

 

“Lixie can you open your eyes for me?” He could barely recognize Woojin’s worried voice, ears ringing and head pounding terribly. The freckled dancer tried to crack his eyes open, hissing in discomfort when light flooded in. 

 

“There you go baby, nice and slow.” Teary and unfocused eyes darted all around the room, trying to find some comfort in anything. 

 

Felix could feel arms on his shoulder, rubbing the sweater clad flesh, and he flinched away, rolling off of the couch and onto the ground with a loud thud. Loud and worried yells surrounded him as he could feel someone trying to pick him up.

 

But all the boy could feel was panic. 

 

Seojin. Seojin. Seojin. Seojin. 

 

Felix couldn’t do anything else but to repeat that name as a mantra, whole body shaking and tongue too heavy in his mouth, brows furrowed and cheeks covered with wet tears tracks. 

 

A hand tugged at him and the boy flinched away, letting out a loud whine of protest, curling into himself in order to get at least some kind of protection. His hand snapped to push the person away as someone tried to pull him into a warm chest. He could only see, hear and feel Seojin around him. 

 

His dirty hands. Dirty words. Dirty actions. Everything made the boy feel like he was tainted, flesh too grim and sweaty. 

 

The young dancer scrambled backwards as Hyunjin tried to pull him into his arms. A flash of hurt and confusion crossed the taller boy’s features, Jeongin barely holding himself together as he stood by the side and watched everything.

 

Minho watched the injured boy, lips curled into a frown as he took in the blood matted hair and the bruises littering his body. The purples and blues swirling all over the boy. He took in his trembling form and something snapped inside of him. 

 

This was all his fault. If he would have been just a little bit more gentle with the boy, maybe Felix wouldn’t have ran. If Minho would have been a more understanding and warm hyung maybe then his members wouldn’t be suffering like this. 

 

This was all Minho’s fault and a heavy rock settled upon his shoulders. He watched the way Chan had tried to calm everyone down as Felix simply stayed curled up into himself. He watched Changbin crying for his two boys. And sweet and clingy Hyunjin was staring at Felix as if the dancer had just ripped his heart out and stomped on it right in front of him. 

 

Chan could only stare at his soul mate with fear and shock filling him up. His vision was touched with red as anger ran through him, every part of his soul and body screaming at him to paint the manager’s body bloody. 

 

Seojin was an idiot if he actually thought that Chan was going to do nothing. 

 

His eyes followed Felix’s movements, the way the boy seemed to have a hard time breathing and the way he tried to shuffle backwards as Seungmin moved a little bit closer to him. 

 

No one was talking and the older Australian could feel his body fill up with anxiety. He tugged at his bottom lip as he noticed the heavy way Felix’s eyelids fluttered. The heavy drag of his limbs as he moved backwards. 

 

Tears were already clinging to his eyelashes as he could only stare at Felix, body frozen in place as the tiny boy tried to avoid any contact with the members. 

 

Changbin let out a loud and painful growl as he tugged at the stray ends of his hair, skin tingling from the anger and embarrassment. 

 

Anger, because he couldn’t believe that anyone would go this far, that anyone would dare frighten another human being like this. Especially someone like Felix and Hyunjin. 

 

Embarrassment at the knowledge that he did nothing to help his boys out. He had been blind to their suffered and he had even snapped at Felix a few times. How could he think that he could ever have someone like the young Australian as his soul mate when he couldn’t even protect him? How could Hyunjin call himself his soul mate proudly when Changbin can’t even protect him. 

 

Hyunjin let out a loud gasp as he couldn’t help and stare at the ground near Felix, right where he sat a few minutes ago. 

 

“L-Lixie, why is there blood on the ground?” Felix shook his head rapidly, knowing exactly why there was blood and where it came from. His pants were still sticky and everything hurt too much to move fast enough to avoid Minho’s arms. 

 

Minho tugged at the boy gently, making him stand on shaky feet as he looked him over with eyes clouded with fear and guilt. 

 

The freckled boy shut his eyes close tightly, afraid of the gazes on him and the familiar arms gripping onto his forearms. He trembled as he could hear someone making their way over to him, Minho keeping him in place as he started trashing in his hold. 

 

He could feel a bile rising in his throat as that voice once again haunted his mind. 

 

Useless. You are so fucking useless. He could hear the manager’s cruel laughter, making him gag at the memory of those fingers pressing into him, his flesh, the fresh memory of his cries and pleas being ignored made Felix gag again. 

 

“Felix, what exactly did he do to you?” The boy let out a shaky whine as he tried to move back, Minho’s hands on him now burning, his skin feeling too hot and his chest feeling too tight. He didn’t want to be touched. He just wanted to be alone. To wash everything away and to sleep for a day. Or maybe a week. 

 

If he slept for a year maybe everyone would forget that this had even happened. 

 

Arms gripped onto his wrists tightly, making the freckled boy hiss as his arms were tugged forcefully to catch his attention. His flesh burned and so did his eyes. 

 

Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. If you’ll cry you’ll just make it worse. 

 

The grip on his wrists tightened and Felix could swear any tighter and his bones would snap. He was sure there were going to be marks left. His heartbeat picked up, lips parting as he tried to breathe, tried to scream or whisper to be let go, but only panicked wheezes left him. 

 

One second there was silence, only panicked and worried glances being exchanged, and the next second Changbin was growling in anger as he stood over the hunched over boy. 

 

Chan let out a loud shout as the other rapper tugged at Felix’s frail wrists. 

 

“Don’t stay silent! What did he do to you!” Felix could feel his heartbeat ringing in his ears, mouth too dry to say anything else but sorrys as he tried to step back, but Changbin’s grip was too tight, until it was gone, Chan standing over Changbin who was now on the ground, holding onto his cheek that the leader had punched. 

 

“Don’t you dare talk to him like that ever again.” Chan was glaring at the rapper and Felix let out a painful cry, Minho still gripping onto him tightly. 

 

Jisung looked at Felix with a heartbroken expression. He had an inkling of what had happened, but the Australian had to say something to confirm it. 

 

Felix squirmed around as he could feel his pants sticking to him, his boxers sticking to his skin, reminding him of everything that had happened. The boy started clawing at his hips, his thighs, trying to get the material away from his body. 

 

Minho panicked as he thought that the boy was trying to hurt himself and locked to boy’s arms between his in a tight hold. This made the young dancer let out a cry of distress and he continued squirming around. 

 

“Gotta get these off of me please.” Felix clawed at his clothes, feeling the blood seeping into his skin, the crusty boxers making him let out a loud cry. 

 

Chan stepped over to the boy, Changbin still on the ground out of fear and embarrassment of what he had done to Felix. He couldn’t raise his eyes up from the ground, hands burning from the tight grip he had had on the boy’s wrists. 

 

He hated himself. He hated himself so much. All he could ever do is hurt the boy while he tried to help. 

 

“Do you want to go to the room to change?” 

 

“Can I take a shower please?” Chan exchanged glances with Jisung, the younger boy shaking his head with a frown, mouthing out a silent he can’t, just get him changed. 

 

“Let’s get you changed and then we’ll see.” Jisung silently watched the two as Chan kept a hand on Felix’s back, the boy flinching at the touch. 

 

Minho could only crumble to the ground as guilt swallowed him up. This was all his fault. Everything was always his fault. He’d hate him if he was in Felix’s place. 

 

Chan left the doors open as Felix stood in the middle of the room, shaking out of fear. 

 

With trembling legs, the leader stepped closer, cautious to not scare the other more. Felix watched all of his movements silently. 

 

The freckled boy’s hands shook too much to tug down his pants, looking at his soul mate pitifully to silently ask for help. Felix, even though his chest felt empty and skin buzzed with anxiety and fear, knew that Chan would never do anything to hurt him. He wasn’t like him. None of them were. 

 

The curly haired blond gulped loudly and with shaking fingers tugged at the boy’s pants, letting them slowly fall and he had to bite down onto his bottom lip to keep the gasp of horror in. 

 

Felix’s thighs were covered in red bruises, and there were two thin lines of red going to the middle of his inner thighs, then the blood was smeared all over the flesh of his thighs. 

 

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he tugged the boy’s boxers down, Felix not being able to hold his cries in as his fingers gripped onto Chan’s sweatshirt tightly. 

 

The older boy could feel his heart physically breaking as he watched where the blood had lead upwards, disappearing into Felix, making him cry outloud. 

 

He knew that he couldn’t wipe down the blood, he can’t do anything else but to tug clean boxers and sweats up, pulling the boy into his arms gently. 

 

Felix let out a broken sob as he burried himself into the other, skin feeling too hot and fingers too twitchy. Strong arms tugged him closer, cradling him to a strong chest, making the boy cry out loudly again. 

 

Chan was too afraid to leave the boy alone, Felix half passed out in his arms as he carefully stepped back into the living room, Minho and Changbin in a heated fight and the other members too scared to do anything else but watch them, Woojin cradling Seungmin and Jisung into his sides while Jeongin and Hyunjin cried while hugging each other tightly. 

 

Jisung snapped his head to look at their leader. 

 

“You aren’t one to talk! Felix is nothing to you, he isn’t your soul mate, you can’t even take care of Hyunjin, why do you think you can take care of Felix too?” 

 

“Well at least I didn’t fucking blame him for everything and make him run away!” Minho let out a loud gasp as he stumbled back.

 

“If you wouldn’t have fucking blamed him Felix would have been safe in here!” 

 

“Everyone shut the fuck up.” Chan’s voice rang through the room, effectively shutting everyone up and Jisung cautiously made his way over to the leader and the boy still in his arms. 

 

“Did he?” The curly haired blonde could only nod his head as angry tears slipped down his cheeks, Jisung letting out a loud and painful gasp. 

 

“Chan?” 

 

The boy could only stutter out a shaky and broken rape as he cradled the now passed out boy in his arms, heart broken into tiny pieces. 

 

Minho gaged loudly and emptied everything he could onto the floor in front of him, guilt eating him up. 

 

This was all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minho and Changbin are very self destructive so it will go downhill for some time. Chan’s hurt and Hyunjin is hurt too and everyone is crying and Felix is just exhausted from life.


	24. Paint the sky red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe if Felix has them, then not everything is lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back with an update, I managed to break my foot so hey, that’s going well for me now. As always no proof reading because I have no self respect and enjoy.

Minho sat on his bed, chin tucked into his knees and eyes puffy from crying, throat too sore from sobbing and him and Changbin yelling at each other. He tried to stay silent as he watched Felix sleeping on Chan’s bed, curled up into a small ball and snuggled into the thick blanket. Hyunjin had passed out from crying, Changbin carrying him to his bed to sleep with him. 

 

Chan and Woojin were in the kitchen, talking in hushed whispers to each other and Minho couldn’t help but to want to slam his head against a wall. 

 

They needed to take Felix to a hospital, why were they even questioning this? Wasn’t Chan supposed to be his soul mate? Wasn’t he supposed to think about his well being first before everything else?

 

Minho knew that if something like this would have happened to Jisung the first thing he would have done is go to the hospital. 

 

A whimper caught his attention, eyes drifting down a bit to look at Felix’s clenched fists, knuckles white and fingers curled into a ball tightly. 

 

The dancer knew that the boy was having nightmares, who wouldn’t have them after everything? Minho couldn’t even sleep and he wasn’t even the one who was hurt. And with a cautious heart, he stumbled out of the bed, almost falling as his knees almost gave in under him. Fingers trembled as he stood over Felix’s bed, eyes already glassy with unshed tears as he watched the boy curl up into himself even tighter. 

 

Soft and pitiful whimpers left the freckled dancer’s lips, making Minho let out his own whimpers as he became heavily distressed. 

 

If only he would have been a little bit smarter then maybe Felix would be safe right now. Maybe then he wouldn’t be hurting. 

 

The whimpers grew louder, Minho wanting to plug his ears because his heart was breaking into tiny pieces, Felix tossing his head side from side as if he was trying to get away from something. And without thinking much, the older boy gently probed the other’s shoulder, trying to get him to wake up. 

 

And Felix woke up. Woke up with a terrified scream ripping through the room, eyes wild and heart slamming against his chest. The freckled boy went up the bed until he was pressing himself against the wall, eyes watching Minho’s movements but all he saw was a dark shadow looming over him. His lips quivered as he let out soft pleas for the other to get away from him. 

 

The older dancer’s eyes widened as the frightened boy tugged at his hair, burying his face into his knees and letting out loud cries. Without thinking, he stepped closer, arm outstretched to touch the crying boy. 

 

One second Felix was crying, and the next one he was screaming at Minho to get away from him, to stop touching him. 

 

The freckled boy’s face was painted in fear and hurt, lips quivering and cheeks already wet from tears spilling over them. Minho was frozen in his place, thoughts a jumbled mess and body shaking as he could only look at the boy on the bed. 

 

Another scream ripped through the room, Felix’s wild and frightened eyes darting around as hurried footsteps filled up the hallway, a body slamming into the doors. 

 

“What the fuck happened?” Chan stood with wide eyes, searching the room until they fell upon his soul mate, taking a cautious step closer. The leader briefly glanced at Minho, a bile rising up his throat when he noticed the clear hurt and guilt the boy was drowning in. 

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to. I just wanted him to stop crying.” Minho’s voice trembled as he backed himself up into the wall farthest away from Chan’s bed. Felix was still curled up into a tight ball, rocking himself back and forth as the bed dipped under the weight of the older Australian. 

 

“Please stay away from me.” He could barely recognize his own voice at that point, too raw and broken from all the crying and shouting. 

 

Jisung and Seungmin were peering through the open door, Seungmin crying while Jisung held him protectively. 

 

“Ssh Lixie, baby, it’s me, I’m not gonna hurt you.” Felix shook his head at that, heart in his throat and tongue too heavy to speak again. He could only let out painful whimpers as he dug his nails into the thick blanket, the familiar smell of his soul mate filling his nose up. 

 

He trembled as a hand was placed on his foot, cautiously, far away from any place of his body that would trigger him badly. The boy tried to shuffle away, flesh burning from the touch even through the blanket, making the blood in his veins turn to a cold blue as he clenched his eyes shut. 

 

Seojin. All he could feel and think about was Seojin. And Minho crying because Felix can’t get himself under control. Changbin and Minho screaming at each other. Hyunjin crying himself until passing out. Chan and Woojin panicking but also trying to not break down for the others. Seungmin and Jeongin begging him to forgive them, begging him to not think that any of this was his fault. 

 

Sweet and loving Jisung, who figured it out the quickest and has been staring at him with the saddest eyes possible. Felix couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t look at any of them without bursting into tears, without pleading for them to forgive him. 

 

The hand moved up to rest on his knee, squeezing it to get his attention and Felix snapped his head up in surprise, staring into those beautiful, once full of happiness but now drowning in sorrow, eyes. The charming dimples were gone, plump and inviting lips pulled into a straight line, skin too pale and eyebags too dark. 

 

The freckled boy let out a cry of regret as he watched his soul mate, watched how Chan’s cheeks became wet with tears. Watched how the older Australian had to cautiously shuffle closer to him in order to not spook him. 

 

It took Felix minutes of watching Chan move closer to him slowly, flinching away a few times until they were close enough, him burried in Chan’s arms, to finally notice that all the members were in the bedroom. 

 

Hyunjin, Jeongin and Seungmin were sitting on the dancer’s bed, watching him carefully as if he was a wild animal that could run away at any moment. 

 

Jisung was curled around Woojin as the vocalist bit down onto his bottom lip, trying to hold back from talking. 

 

Changbin and Minho were standing by the doors, too afraid to come closer to the freckled boy, too afraid to scare him again. 

 

Chan’s hands rubbed at his arms, making him shiver and Felix had to fight back the urge to flinch away and hide in the bathroom. He knew that the other would never hurt him, but the tiny voice in the back of his head kept on laughing at him. 

 

Who’s to say that Chan won’t do it too? That the members won’t ever do it too?

 

And Felix hiccuped as he burst into tears again, burying his face into his hands. He felt disgusting for thinking like this. He felt horrible for the voice implying that the members, his friends who had stuck to him during the darkest times, would ever do something like that. 

 

He could feel hands wrapping around his shoulder blades tightly, pulling him into a strong chest. The boy gasped painfully as his muscles ached, thighs quivering and back aching, head pounding with every single breath he took. 

 

His brains screamed at him to get away, but his body was too heavy, too tired to do anything else but tense up in the other’s hold, seven pairs of eyes watching the two of them with sorrow and anger for the freckled boy and what has been done to him. 

 

Changbin could barely hold himself back, his body buzzing, wanting to run out and search for Seojin until he will have him pinned to a wall and beaten to a bloody pulp. 

 

He could feel lips being pressed upon his forehead and then temple, lingering there for a little bit too long. Momentarily he relaxed in the hold of his soul mate, warmth filling him up, before he moved minimally and the aching came back. 

 

Chan growled under his nose as he watched Felix be in pain and discomfort, listening to the other members pleading him and Woojin to do something about this. 

 

“Chan hyung you gotta take him to a hospital please.” Minho was never one to beg but he would do anything for Felix. This was all his fault and he needed to fix everything. 

 

“I, I’m sorry.” Chan could only stutter as he squeezed Felix a little bit tighter, his stomach turning and mouth too dry to actually proceed with speaking. 

 

“Manager, we are calling our manager.” Jeongin let out a loud cry at that simple word, whispering a soft no. Jisung cursed when the word manager brought him memories of Seojin looking at Felix weirdly. How could he have not noticed?

 

“No. No no no. Please no Chan.” The curly haired blond whispered soft apologies to Felix as he rocked him side to side while sitting. His fingers stroked over the boy’s shoulder before moving to stroke his jaw softly. 

 

“I’m sorry Lixie, the manager has to know, we can’t just leave this.” Felix shook his head at that, clawing at Chan’s biceps to get his mind away. 

 

“No. Channie no. What if people will find out?” Changbin growled at that and moved closer to the bed, sitting down next to the two boys and nervously placing his right palm on Felix’s knee, stroking it softly. 

 

“Whatever happens, we’ll always love you Lixie, no matter what.” The freckled boy looked at him for a few seconds, calculating the emotions in his eyes before his attention shifted to Hyunjin who had been staring at him all this time. 

 

The tall dancer parted his lips as a bitter smile played over his features. 

 

“We’ll make that bastard pay, and we’ll love you even more every single day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will focus more on Changbin and Minho and their thoughts and actions, I am happy I included lots of Minho in this one. The boys will start coming up with a plan how to actually get back at Seojin so you’ve got that coming for you.


	25. Here comes the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Chan really doesn’t deserve Felix. Or maybe he’s just being stupid. And maybe Jisung stresses too much about Minho and Felix, but when you love someone you will give them everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back with an update wow, I have managed to get back to my venting ways, let ya’ll suffer a bit more with me. Again, I never ever edit the chapters so if you see some jumbled up mess just know it’s my brains @3 am on four cups of coffee and one red bull.

Chan couldn’t sleep. It was four in the morning and all he could do was lay on the mattress he and Woojin had dragged and placed near Felix’s bed. The blond Australian knew that he wasn’t going to get any rest if he wasn’t going to be by his soulmate’s side at night.

  
Hyunjin has insisted on staying too, but Chan shook his head, it was enough that both Changbin and Woojin were also crowding around the freckled boy in case anything else happened.

  
He had been awake since two, woken up by Felix stumbling to the bathroom, following after him, only to have to rub his back for comfort as the young dancer emptied his stomach out.

  
Chan hissed at himself. What kind of soulmate was he if he couldn’t even take Felix’s pain away just a little bit?

  
He tangled his fingers into his hair, tugging at the bleached locks, eyes trained on the wooden legs of the bed next to him, his mattress feeling too hard for him. Or maybe he was just too tense to do anything else but worry.

  
He could hear soft groaning coming from Felix, checking up on the boy every few minutes, worried that he might need to puke again. He had noticed how pale the dancer has gotten, how disoriented he looked no matter what time it was. He had caught the boy swaying on his feet and shielding his eyes away from light too many times during the last twelve hours.

  
The sound of sheets rustling made him snap his head to the side, seeing the outline of Woojin and if he didn’t know him well enough, he would have believed that the boy was sleeping. But the problem was that Chan knew him too well and Woojin was definitely not sleeping.

  
And from the looks of it, neither was Changbin.

  
The leader could hear the main rapper of the group sighing every few minutes, turning in his bed as if he was also trying to check on Felix to make sure he was still sleeping.

  
“Chan, what are we gonna do?” The mentioned boy sat up as he turned to look at the vocalist, Woojin already sitting up and searching for his eyes in the darkness. He could feel the desperation and fear rolling off of the older male, the tension in the room so thick it could be cut with a dull knife.

  
“We’ll have to talk to the manager, he’s coming in the morning.” A loud groan traveled through the room, a bed squeaking under someone’s weight as the person finally sat up and rubbed at his face to get the tension out.

  
Changbin could barely stay in the same room as Felix, his stomach turning and mind reeling at the thought of the broken boy.

  
He knew that he was just as much at fault as Minho, if not more. The darkness in the room only adding to his thoughts as he had to fight back the tears threatening to spill over his cheeks. He had tried to not break down into sobs, if not for himself, then for Hyunjin and Felix, for everyone else. But it had been so hard when all he could think about was his two boys crying and suffering because of a sick man who didn’t know what he should and shouldn’t do.

  
“I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep.” Chan gave the other rapper a soft yet bitter smile, eyes full of understanding as the three boys looked at Felix’s sleeping form.

  
Woojin managed to crawl out of his bed and curl up near Chan on his mattress so that he would be closer to the sleeping freckled dancer, Changbin following him after a few moments. The three could barely fit together as they listened to the boy whimpering and whining in his sleep.

  
Changbin had his face buried in Chan’s shoulder, his own shoulders trembling as he couldn’t really hold the tears and hiccups in anymore. The Australian’s fingers were buried in his hair, trying to sooth him and Woojin curled his arm around the two of them, pulling them almost impossibly close to each other.

 

 

 

A loud groan of pain left his almost rawly bitten lips, Felix could almost feel the hammers striking against his brains. His head was pounding and stomach turning, the boy had to fight back the gags in order to stay silent.

  
Even the simplest movement of his limbs made him almost hiss in pain, body aching all over and eyes pricking with that familiar feeling.

  
His fingers balled up into tight fists, gripping onto the bed sheets under him as he turned onto his side, eyes softening as he saw his three hyungs sleeping while wrapped up in each other. He hasn’t actually seen any of them having proper rest and it tugged at his heart, knowing how much they were willing to sacrifice for him.

  
Moving into a sitting position seemed to be one of the hardest moves he had ever done. His stomach turned as his jaw clamped up, trying to get up as fast as he could so that he wouldn’t spill his guts on the bed or the ground.

  
He somehow managed to wobble out of the bed, barely avoiding the stray water bottles on the ground. The world seemed to tilt by the axis as his vision swam, his hands pushing against the walls of the hallway as he stumbled closer to the bathroom.

  
A painful groan left his lips as he crashed into the bathroom door, barely keeping himself on his feet as he stumbled into the room. A loud bang echoed through the room, and the whole dorms, as his knees hit the ground in front of the toilet bowl.

  
There was barely enough time for him to throw the lid open before he emptied his stomach out, the measly dinner Hyunjin has forced him to eat last night ending up pitifully in the toilet bowl. Felix couldn’t help but to stare at the contents for a few seconds, his stomach turning as his fingers gripped onto his thighs, knuckles turning white.

 

 

 

Jisung hasn’t been sleeping all night, he could only stare at the wall in front of his bed, thinking about Felix and how the boy is suffering in the other room.

  
How could he sleep when Felix was probably fighting off a nightmare only to wake up to another nightmare?

  
He glanced to his side, seeing Hyunjin, Jeongin and Seungmin snuggled up against each other, trying to get at least some sleep.

  
The rapper wasn’t stupid, contrary to the belief of some others. He saw that Chan and Woojin had mixed up a sleeping pill into each of the water cups they had given for the boys to drink before sleep.

  
Jisung has avoided drinking the water. If Felix was going to suffer through the night, he was going to suffer with him. And he would only feel even worse if he would manage to sleep, he’d wake up feeling even more guilty for everything.

  
Minho was curled up to his side, he cried himself to sleep, Jisung stroking his hair and whispering that this was not his fault.

  
The dancer had felt to guilty and responsible over everything that he had almost had a panic attack as he tried to explain to Jisung that he really didn’t want this to happen to both Hyunjin and Felix. And the younger male could do nothing else but hug him tighter and whisper sweet promises to him.

  
It broke his heart. He could feel Minho’s pain, he drowned in it. The ugly blues and purples seeped from the dancer’s skin like ocean waves and crashed into Jisung. He had worked himself up so much that he had scratched his wrists raw, Jisung kissing the red lines when his boyfriend and soulmate fell asleep, tears slipping down his cheeks.

  
No matter what happens, he was going to make him pay for everything he has done to his friends and brothers.

 

 

 

Felix slumped against the toilet as he tried to wipe his mouth clean, the foul taste still lingering around in his mouth.

  
He could hear someone walking down the hallway and he pressed his eyes shut tightly, counting until the doors of the bathroom creaked open slowly, a head popping in.

  
It took the rapper two seconds before he was wrapped around Felix from behind, arms wound around the freckled boy’s waist as he let out a soft whine of despair.

  
“My poor little baby, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I promise that I’ll try to make everything better.” And the Australian would have let out a bark of laughter if he was any healthier, Jisung was only a day older than him and was a baby himself, but something in his tone made him melt the slightest bit.

  
“Come on Lixie, let’s get you cleaned up and move to the living room.” The freckled dancer could only nod his head, hissing in pain as his brains once again felt like they were being scrambled.

  
Jisung had an arm wrapped around him, Felix fighting back the urge to flinch away, as he helped the boy brush his teeth and drink a glass of water. He had to basically carry the boy to the living room, the dancer’s legs too heavy for him to walk.

 

 

 

  
Chan had bolted out of the room when he had woken up while being wrapped in both Changbin’s and Woojin’s arms, yet seeing that Felix was not in the room.

Tears had clung to his eyelashes as he stumbled on his feet, eyes darting around the dorms, every single room. He had to make sure that Felix was okay, and his heart slammed against his chest painfully, throat dry and tongue heavy.

  
He stumbled into the living room, heart falling to his knees when he saw Jisung and Felix, wrapped up around each other while sitting on the couch.

  
He could see streaks of tears on Felix’s cheeks, Jisung barely holding himself together, and his brains started shouting at him. He was unworthy. So useless. There Felix was, needing him as a soulmate and he slept. And there Jisung was, barely an adult, yet taking care of the freckled dancer.

  
Chan fell to his knees in front of the two boys, Felix gently placing his hand on top of his blond hair, stroking the strands in a comforting way as the older boy let out soft whimpers and apologies.

  
“Chanie you did nothing wrong.” And Felix’s voice sounded so weak, trembling and barely above a soft whisper, making the leader let out a silent sob in response.

  
“When’s the manager coming?” The Australian dancer’s voice became colder as he asked that, Jisung giving him a tight squeeze in order to calm him down. One panicking and sobbing Australian was already bad enough.

  
“In about an hour.” Felix could only nod at that, his eyes following the way Chan’s chest heaved up and down as he tried to calm down.

  
“Do I have to be in the same room when he will be here?” While the dancer liked their main manager, would usually cling to him, he didn’t actually want to tell him what happened. It would only push him into reliving everything.

  
“I’m so sorry Lixie.”  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is again like a more what they feel chapter? I have tried to go a bit more in depth with some of the other members because they are a huge part in this. Next chapter is the talk with the manager and it’s going downhill from there on for some time for Felix and Hyunjin and probably everyone else except Jeongin because I could never ever dare make Innie suffer, he is my child.


	26. Sea call me home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But Felix was a broken boy who couldn’t even love himself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back at it again with a half assed update. But yeah, the plot’s moving slowly and as it should be mentioned, the burn in here is very very slow, it’s quite unrealistic to jump into a relationship after abuse and rape, so the ships are moving very angsty and slowly, but they’re moving.

He could feel pairs of eyes fixed on him. And he had to fight the urge to curl into himself and the sofa so that he could disappear. Jisung was sitting by his side, while Hyunjin flanked his right. 

 

He had to give Chan a soft small smile in order to calm him down. 

 

The manager had come quicker than Felix wanted him to. If it would have been his place to decide, he would have avoided this talk all together. 

 

But the man was standing in the middle of the living room, right next to the glass table, and Felix could feel the stress rolling off of him. Their manager was not stupid, and the fact that he would usually take care of the freckled boy just intensified everything. 

 

“Will someone tell me what’s happening?” He could almost hear Chan stressing from across the room. And all he wanted was to go over and somehow calm him down, but his own heavy stomach made him feel as if his limbs were made out of metal. 

 

A loud groan sounded through the room, drawing everyone’s attention to their manager, the man’s eyes softening as he looked at Chan. 

 

“You know I only want the best for you, right? You are like my family at this point.” The leader could only nod his head at that as he parted his lips in surprise. 

 

“So tell me what’s wrong, I can feel the tension in here.” Felix closed his eyes shut briefly for a few seconds, feeling Jisung’s palm pressing into his back, coaxing him to calm down and breathe deeply. He could also feel how tensed up Hyunjin was next to him, wanting to wrap his arms around him.

 

But Felix was frozen in place, too scared to move and to draw even more attention to himself. His chest felt too tight and his skin bothered him, he just wanted to scratch himself raw because he could still feel him everywhere on him and inside him. 

 

The manager let out a loud sigh of defeat as he watched the nine boys. They were all tensed up and kept on glancing at each other, the most obvious being Changbin, Chan and Minho. He could see the clear battle that was going on within them. 

 

It was easy to read the air in the room. Sparks of anger, regret, pain and guilt mixed up into one ugly heap of emotions. 

 

“Let’s start with this, did someone get hurt?” The boys tensed up even more at that, Seungmin letting out a soft whimper as he curled up even further into Woojin’s embrace. The warmth made the boy relax for a few seconds before Felix’s beaten up and crying face came back as a momentary flash. 

 

“Okay then, let me ask this again, who got hurt?” And the boys still stayed silent, Chan and Changbin gripping hands as they debated which one of them should start talking. With everyone being anxious, no one knew what they should and shouldn’t say anymore. 

 

Felix could feel his body shutting down on him momentarily, Jisung’s hand slipping away from him and Hyunjin letting out a soft whisper of Oh God. 

 

The manager knew that pressing for information was going to damage some of the boys, but something was pawing at his stomach and brains. Something was definitely terribly wrong if none of the members knew how to even start explaining. 

 

The man’s eyes focused on the three boys on the couch next to him and his eyebrows shot up to his hairline. How could he have missed this?

 

Felix and Hyunjin looked frightened and the tall dancer was clinging onto the Australian as if his life depended on it. And Jisung was holding onto them as best as he could while shaking from the anxiety. He could recognise the guilty expression eating at the rapper. 

 

With furrowed eyebrows and narrowed eyes, the man turned his gaze to only focus on the two dancers. And within seconds his face softened, worry and exhaustion lines showing as he took in the appearance of the two members. 

 

They looked tired. Done. As if they just wanted to give up. 

 

“What happened to Felix and Hyunjin?” He could see the Australian flinching and curling into Hyunjin, the tall dancer burying his face into his soul mate’s shoulder for some comfort. 

 

“They, um, the other manager, we couldn’t.” Chan was stumbling through his words, not making any sense, but the man picked up manager and that the other members were guilty over something. And the two boys curling into each other and trying to find comfort screamed that something bad must have happened. 

 

He could only rub his temples in frustration, already feeling the headache coming from everything. And then he glanced at Chan again, the leader watching Felix like a hawk. 

 

And momentarily, a smile marred his features. He knew that no matter what happened to Hyunjin and Felix, the two dancers will always have the members to look after them. They all cared about each other too much to just throw someone away. 

 

But then his eyes narrowed again and he hissed in frustration and disbelief. 

 

“Wait, back up a little bit. Did you just say manager?” He could only watch as Minho nodded his head shortly because Chan was too dazed and confused too. And his fingers curled into tight fists, lips curling into a frown. 

 

“What did he do?” No one answered him, the members looked at Hyunjin and Felix in fright and pain, not knowing if the boys will freak out on them or not. Too afraid to spook them again. 

 

“Okay then, he did something to Felix and Hyunjin, right?” He watched Changbin nod at him, letting out a low and painful that fucker. And he couldn’t even scold the other for disrespecting his elders, he had a bad hunch that the new manager did in fact deserve to be called like this. 

 

“How badly?” Hyunjin let out a loud sob as his head was full of everything that both he and Felix had to go through. And he was already traumatised from his experiences, so just thinking about what his soul mate went through made him sob uncontrollably. 

 

Felix could only let out a whimper of distress as he remembered everything that he had tried to hide away, eyes flashing with pain and he squeezed Hyunjin a little bit tighter. 

 

“The bastard should be in jail at this point.” The manager’s eyes widened at that, watching as the two boys shivered and tried to hold each other closer. 

 

Chan knew that it would be better for the manager to hear this from the two boys, but he also knew that they were in no condition to actually talk about what happened to them. So he made a decision he though as a leader he should have done earlier and kneeled down in front of Felix and Hyunjin. 

 

“Baby, why don’t we get you and Jinnie up to a room so you two can rest?” The older Australian had his arm on Felix’s thigh, rubbing it softly in a reassuring manner. He needed the two boys to feel safe and loved. 

 

Something crossed the manager’s mind and he watched Chan and Felix a little bit closer. His eyes widened when he saw the Australian dancer’s freckles glowing beautifully, his mark screaming loudly at the contact. He took notice of the silver line around the leader’s neck, sitting prettily as if it was wrapped around a fragile present.

 

The room was filled up with pain and suffering, but the manager was happy that at least something good came out of this. He questioned why he didn’t know about the bond earlier, but at least both Felix and Hyunjin had soul mates who would take care of them now. 

 

“Chan, just stay with them, I’m sure I can be filled in by the other members.” The leader gave the manager a quick glance before looking at Changbin. And the rapper looked back at him for a few seconds, wanting so badly to go together and take care of the boys. 

 

“Just go.” Chan let a bitter small smile cross his features as he looked at Changbin for a few more moments before turning his attention on the two hurting boys. 

 

“Come on baby, let’s go up.” Felix glanced at the manager as if asking for permission, his muscles relaxing a bit when he was graced with worried eyes yet a soft smile from the older man. And without any other words exchanged, he tugged Hyunjin up with some difficulty and let Chan hold his hand gently as they went down the hallway. 

 

Chan watched from the doorway, holding the door open for the boys, his eyes still holding unshed tears. 

 

The visible exhaustion in Hyunjin’s limbs and the tension in Felix’s muscles made it hard for the leader to hold himself together. And with his fingers clenching around the door handle, he shook his head. He had to be strong for them and himself, this was just the start. 

 

The freckled boy watched as Hyunjin settled in the bed, hand outstretched for him to come closer. 

 

His stomach turned painfully and chest ached as a sudden though of fear went through him. He had to hiss at himself, embarrassed that he would ever think that Hyunjin or Chan, or any member would ever hurt him. 

 

As he placed himself on the bed, just centimetres shy from Hyunjin’s touches, he turned his head to look at Chan who was watching the two of them carefully. The corners of his lips turned downwards as he noticed the dark bags under his soul mate’s eyes. 

 

“Can Channie join us in bed?” And Hyunjin looked between Felix and Chan for what felt like an eternity, calculating the risks, before he nodded his head shyly and watched as the leader cautiously walked up to them. 

 

Felix moved so that he was pressed back into Hyunjin, feeling the boy’s arm wrapping around him tightly and a nose being buried into his shoulder. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m just so sorry about everything.” And Felix let out a soft sigh as he felt Chan melting into him, exhaustion finally kicking in. 

 

“I know you are, and you shouldn’t be.” You’ve been nothing but loving and understanding. But that was left unsaid, the freckled dancer opting to shyly press his palm upon Chan’s cheek to make him meet his eyes.

 

His chest tightened painfully as he took in the love and adoration in his soul mate’s eyes. Oh how he wished he could give everything to him too. 

 

But Felix was a broken boy who couldn’t even love himself anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is gonna hit harder, a build up was needed. Some heavier angst is in front and I’ll probably have to put trigger warnings. But venting on here as a form of writing helps and hey, it’s something at least.


	27. Hold me while you wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan could do anything for his boys, and that’s exactly what he was planning to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back and ready to serve you a very half assed update after 2+months of nothing, so have fun and don’t burn me for no editing.

Silent arguing could be heard from the living room, even the tightly shut doors of the bedroom couldn’t drown out the sounds. Felix tried to pay attention to what was being said, but he could only make out separate words and not sentences. 

 

Long arms were wrapped around him, Hyunjin breathing deeply, having fallen asleep minutes after laying down and having Felix trapped in his hold. The freckled dancer could feel his shoulders aching from being constantly tensed up. 

 

With every puff coming out of Hyunjin and hitting the back of the boy’s neck, Felix had to fight back the flinch. 

 

He could feel another pair of hands pressed against his hips, rubbing soft and gentle circles. And normally he would melt into the touches, but now all he could really think about were those hands on him and that voice filling him up to the brim. 

 

Felix shuddered at his memories. 

 

He felt disgusting. 

 

He felt so dirty. If only Chan would have let him have a proper shower instead of just cleaning him up a little bit. Felix could still feel some blood crusted on his legs and backside, a bit of blood under his nails from when he tried to scratch the manager in defence. 

 

The arguing grew louder and at this point he was sure that someone was yelling all the way from the living room. Felix’s bet was either on Minho or Changbin, the two of them were always so vocal when they were frustrated and wanted to protect someone. And momentarily, warmth filled the boy’s chest up, making him remember how Minho would take care of him and Hyunjin when they were still trainees. 

 

Or how Changbin would make sure they had learned their raps and would gently coax them into practicing with him when they weren’t perfect and couldn’t pronounce something right, couldn’t put the right emotion in. 

 

They had always stood by his side, no matter what, and quite frankly, Felix felt like complete shit for putting them through something like this. 

 

His stomach turned as fingers started pressing a little bit harsher into his hipbone, making him hold his breath as blood rushed to his head. Body stiffened as he felt Hyunjin unconsciously pressing into his back, breathing in his scent. 

 

And Felix flinched at that. His hair was still dirty, Chan not letting him wash it. And the freckled dancer had an inkling on why. But his skin buzzed uncomfortably as he thought about the fact that he will need to go to a hospital. Because going to a hospital meant being questioned and being questioned meant that he will have to bare all of the hurt and the secrets. 

 

A hiss left his parted lips as the fingers dig in a little bit harsher into his flesh, Chan automatically letting go and apologising frantically. And Felix didn’t mean to freak him out, but at that point, it was only natural for him to flinch at any more questionable touch or contact. 

 

He could hear Chan whispering soft apologies into the air, his ears barely picking the words up and Hyunjin mumbling something incoherent too. So Felix let out a soft sigh and turned his head a bit so he would be looking at his curly haired soulmate. He was met with warm honey eyes, full of guilt and pain, watching every single move he made. 

 

The two of them stared at each other for a few seconds, and it felt like hours had passed, before Chan averted his eyes to the sheets and had to bite down onto his bottom lip. Felix could see the way his shoulder trembled and his heart fell to the pits of his stomach. 

 

Chan, his leader, his best friend, his soulmate was crying while laying next to him. And Felix didn’t really know how to react to that. His body was frozen in place as he could only watch the other break down, feeling the warmth of his body and feeling guilt that that managed to calm him down. 

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Chan’s voice cracked as he tried to gather his thoughts together, tried to make sense as he now clung to the sheets, Hyunjin waking up from the commotion and lifting himself up on his elbow to peek from behind Felix and watch the blond in concern. Felix tried to move over as his brains started working but Chan flinched away, almost falling out of the bed. 

 

“I keep on hurting you all the time. I can’t even take care of you, both of you.” Chan didn’t say everything he wanted to say. He didn’t tell them how his heart broke every time one of them flinched away from him or any other member. How it hurt to the core when Felix couldn’t even look him in the eyes. And that he wanted nothing more but to hug the two boys and keep them safe, that he wanted the bastard who did this to burn in hell, but not before burning on earth. 

 

The curly haired Australian didn’t even notice he was sobbing loudly until he felt two pairs of arms wrapping around him cautiously, his eyes flying open to look at the two boys by his sides. And his heart clenched painfully as Hyunjin squeezed him tighter and Felix buried his face into his shoulder. 

 

Chan let tears fall down his cheeks freely, letting himself break down as his body shook, being held by the two boys he cared about so much. 

 

“Chanie hyung, please don’t cry.” Hyunjin pressed his lips upon Chan’s cheek softly, lingering for a few moments and whispering gentle words to soothe him quicker. The leader’s arms shook as he tried to gather the two boys closer, only making them cling onto him tighter and for Felix to press his forehead against his collarbone. 

 

A soft whine left his lips as the two dancers tried to keep him warm and give him comfort, another sob escaping him as he was swallowed up by guilt and anger. Guilt, for being this weak, this pathetic, for needing comfort when others were hurting and suffering way more. For having the two boys trying to comfort him when he should be the one taking care of them. And anger, at himself, and at the bastard who did this. 

 

“Please stop crying hyung, you did nothing wrong.” Please stop crying because it hurts me even more and I can’t stand seeing you cry and break down like this. But Hyunjin didn’t say that, he just let his lips press into Chan’s cheek again, Felix lifting his head up to watch his soulmates. 

 

It was heartbreaking, but also warmed his insides up, watching his two soulmates being so gentle and loving with each other. And even if Chan and Hyunjin weren’t each other’s soulmates, it didn’t mean that they couldn’t love each other and couldn’t share their love for Felix with each other too. 

 

The Australian’s eyes snapped to the doors as he heard footsteps coping up, recognising Woojin and Jisung talking in hushed voices. The doors cracked open and only Felix took notice, Hyunjin and Chan now crying into each other’s arms. 

 

“Manager wants to talk to you three.” Felix still flinched at the word, hate filling his stomach up as he thought about the other manager. Hate and pain swirling all over him and mixing up with his blood. 

 

Chan and Hyunjin could barely comprehend what was happening as they were pulled out of the bed, Jisung sending them an apologetic look as the five of them made their way into the living room, the manager standing up quickly and storming over to the three boys who had been absent. 

 

But the man stoped in front of them, too afraid to touch Hyunjin and Felix to make sure that they were alright, so he let his eyes fly over their features and bodies, taking notice of the clear exhaustion and trauma written all over them. 

 

And the manager’s expression darkened even more as took in the bruises covering Felix’s neck and collarbones, the ugly purple bruise over his right temple and his lips being split over. There were still clear streaks of blood in the boy’s hair and the man let out a pained groan. 

 

“I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you from a monster like him.” Felix let out a soft whine at that, always having felt like the man had been like a father figure to him after he debuted as a part of Stray Kids. There has never been a day where the man hadn’t taken care of him and made sure that he was as healthy as he could be. 

 

The freckled boy stepped over to the man, standing close to him and letting him put a hand over his shoulder, pulling him into a strong chest. They stood like that for a minute or so, Felix relaxing a bit in the familiar fatherly warmth, not noticing Chan and Changbin looking at him with eyes as sad as the day he had been eliminated in the dreadful show. 

 

“We’re going to the hospital.” Felix stiffened up at that, trying to look at the man as he tried to speak to him. His heart was slamming against his ribcage painfully and he could feel panic setting in, thoughts buzzing in his head and the voices around him sounding like he was underwater. 

 

“I’m sorry, but we have to take both you and Hyunjin to the hospital, this is too serious.” Hyunjin gasped at that, gripping onto Changbin’s and Minho’s arms as Felix tried to whisper something out, but the manager only looked at him with concern and cradled him into his arms. 

 

“Chan, get their coats, we are going now.” The leader troubled his bottom lip between his teeth but did as he was told, gently placing jackets over the two boys as they slowly made their way out of the dorms, putting hoodies over Felix’s and Hyunjin’s heads so that the fans wouldn’t be able to see their faces and expressions. 

 

The manager sat behind the wheel and Chan had Felix and Hyunjin by his sides in the back seat, Jisung slipping into the passenger seat at the last minute. 

 

“I’m not letting you go there alone, I need to know how everything will go too.” The manager sighed at that but nodded his head, looking back at the three sitting in the back, a tired smile marring his features.

 

“Everything will be alright.” Chan furrowed his eyebrows but still tilted his head in agreement, feeling the two boys clinging into him, even Felix searching for his warmth at that point. 

 

“How are we not gonna get noticed?” 

 

“It’s inevitable, but I have contacted the ceo and for now told him that both Felix and Hyunjin have been feeling extremely sick and they need to be checked. We’ll figure out later how to deal with everything, now we need to make sure the boys are okay physically.” Jisung let out a soft whine at that, feeling pain for the three in the back. 

 

Felix could only clench his eyes shut tightly as his hand gripped onto Hyunjin’s fingers, Chan in between them, trying to calm them down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll be updating this story on a weekly basis now that I am in a better mindset and thank you for everyone who still reads still story.


End file.
